From beneath you it devours

I have tried to live as positive existence as I can muster. I don't see what wailing and moaning gets you. At my worst I still made myself try - not give into the big bad black. What I mean by that is I kept doing things with my friends even when I didn't want to or clean my apartment when I didn't have the energy. I didn't go to all this trouble of starting over just to give up to the dark side.

Sometimes with all that is going on in my world I stumble and maybe go down on one knee but I always will myself back up. I have been having a tough time. I don't seem to have much in the way of control in my world. The hardest part is everything seems temporary which makes me goofy. I need some stability in my world but I seem to keep building on the same crumbling terrain. I need some calm time to take some deep breaths and rest from the constant workout I seem to live. This is fact not whining. I just need to make the right choices and changes to get pointed in that direction. The problem is I'm trying to read a map but I seem to be doing it in the dark.

It was nice to get some good news yesterday. I can get full health insurance through my temporary employment agency. Now, I cant afford a payment but I qualify through a state program. I need to fill out the paperwork this weekend and I will be able to use it right away. I have not had insurance since July of '04.

I got my weekly pay check and it had 39 whole hours! I was able to come home and pay some bills. A bit of permanence in my temporary world. It felt really good. I will continue doing what I need to do for now but keep striving for a comfortable permanence.