a long path traveled

I have had a tough time of late. I have been doing retrospection of the last few years. I have had some awesome success and some tough breaks. Overall I would have to say its a wonderful life . . . .

The hormones have been tough on me especially this past month. I have just not felt myself. The perspective phrase I say to myself has been "I know it's the hormones" but sometimes knowing that isn't enough. I feel restless, agitated and anxious in my own skin and mind. It becomes easy to see the "glass half empty" and not be comforted by the simple things. Usually a bike ride, walk in my neighborhood or working on a project gets me focused and calmer but that has not been working the last few weeks. I have felt really "blue" and unmotivated. I make myself keep going in everyday things but it has taken a lot of effort. I know this will pass but it still hurts. I don't like feeling like this! Small things that I would normally brush past and not be troubled by now bug me. I need to keep going - not give in. I don't want to pop a pill or use this as excuse for bad behavior but to remain "me". The folks I would normally lean on in this type of situation are having issues of their own right now and don't need my burden. I have tried to be there for them recently as they have for me in the past. If this sounds like whining that is not the intent. I feel like if my feelings are typed out they are real. I can validate them and see the positive.

Going to the memorial last weekend hit me hard given my state of mind. I did not know the person very well but had such a pain in my heart that they could not see a better solution! I have been in some tough spots in the last ten years. Some I did not see a way out of or how to "fix" it but ending my life has never been a real option. Like I have said in the past I don't know if I'm too stubborn or not smart enough to give up! I cant imagine being in such a dark place that I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. Bunny had many people she could have turned to as did the young man of the last memorial. They just turned inward until there was no where else to go. It is so sad to think of them so hurt and alone.

Like I said it is a wonderful life. I have a lot to be grateful/thankful for. Sometimes things don't mesh but I need to keep-on-keeping-on knowing I will turn a corner soon. Thanks for reading my rant. No worries - I'm still standing . . . . .