Thinking hurts

I have been thinking about things a lot lately. Trying to understand things in my life I feel are not the way I want them to be to help me move forward. I have looked in some dark places and felt that pain again. I have had some thoughts suddenly pop into my head and said "duh!" All in all the deep thinking is exhausting and painful. I hope I am not just beating myself up but learning by my mistakes and choices. I will get back to that thought train in a later post when I can write in a way that makes sense not Marta speak.

As for dating. Hot dude from work turned out to be a game playing dick. Honestly I would have slept with him cause I wanted to but it never worked out. I'm okay with it except I really wanted sex!

Last weekend I had a stomach bug that kept me down through Monday. I really could not do much but sleep, sit or lay watching TV. A commercial came on for a new free dating site. Yup, I was bored enough I signed up. So far it seems that every strange geek, Grizzly Adams, ZZ Top wanna-be is on this site. I don't see myself on the back of a hog doing road tours with the Hells Angels hanging onto a guy that has more hair than me. That seems to be who they think is my perfect match. I am trying to be open minded but come on! The other frustration I have faced repeatedly is the majority of the dating sites make me choose a sex to date or worse don't let me choose. They just assume that everybody is hetro. The lesbian community tells me to get off the fence too. Most lesbians will walk away if I say I am bi. I ask why do I have to choose a side if I like everything? I am attracted to the person and don't see them as a man or woman.

I was an open book with the world until I got into pharmacy. Most folks in pharmacy are conservative, left brained thinking republicans. I learned early on that while they might not be homophobs they don't understand it and think it is disgusting so I have kept my sexuality quiet. It has been weird to not quite be who I am with people. I went through a lot to learn who I am and to not be true to myself is confusing.

Currently I enjoy my new pharmacy team of gals. They naturally assume I am straight like them. I feel like I have a cover over part of me and it feels strange. I don't see what coming out of the closet would accomplish. It would change they way they see/feel about me. That is a sad train of thought. Why does it have to be this way? I try not to judge people. Does it make people feel superior if they judge and put you down?

I'm going on a bike ride now to clear my head and enjoy the cooler more normal summer Sunday. Prepare yourself for more mental vomit that includes insight on Big Man/Bobby, DB and self portrait discovery. Neat.

"I follow the heart, not the anatomy."
Alice "The L Word"