Should not be surprised

I really should not be surprised by now the way things turn out in my World. Sometimes I forget and don't have faith in myself and my ridiculous determination coupled with the family stubbornness I cant turn off. I have had some difficult challenges that have made me very stressed! Money has been a big factor. Almost getting evicted from our apartment did not help. Lastly perimeno is really pissing me off anymore!

Wil lost his job soon after Kel arrived in February. She did a job transfer but works less than part time. The place she works at is cutting hours on all folks. It has added the burden on me to not only work full time but take any over time I can. It is not putting me ahead at all but barely keeping us afloat. I just cant keep this mad pace up especially when I just seem to be spinning my wheels! (chasing my tail, walking in circles, beating my head against the brick wall. You get the image.) I should be saving to retire one day, saving for a house, getting a new (to me) car or even taking an f'ing vacation! It did not help that me rent (and parking space) went up. I want to get a life! 

Almost two months after getting Abby the property management of my apartment building denied her living here. My doctor would not sign the compliance form they sent her. She said she wrote a note and that was all she was going to do. I was not willing to part with Abby so we had a stand off I could not win. The management company harassed my doctor but she would not budge. She could not read past "disabled" in the form. Nobody especially me was saying I was disabled. If she read the two paragraphs it went on to say almost the same verbage as the damn note she wrote for me in the first place! After two months of back and forth I was three days from getting a 30 day notice of eviction! She finally circled the verbage she agreed on and initialed it. They decided that was good enough and we are okay to stay! The whole process was soooo stressful! I work the mid shift most often so when people would return my phone calls I would be at work. All the over time made it difficult to make time to deal. I am glad that part is over!

I have been looking for a new place since Kel got here and have not found a better, bigger place that is not super far from the downtown area. I am willing to leave my beloved neighborhood (for now) to get some of the things on my wish/need list. I would like to be closer to my parents for multiple reasons. They are getting closer to elderly. I should be closer to help out more. My dad is getting more like an old man. He has had some health issues that is taking its toll on him. The mini mall near my parents is the classroom location of the pro school I want to enroll in for realty. It is online courses but they have a store front class room where you can go for help and testing. The area is not too far out and close to the freeway. There are  two places we really like out there but it is not what I can afford on my own. I feel I need to keep it in my budget as a safety net.

Wishlist 
outdoor space
good walking area close to transit and grocery store
two bed two bath. A third bed room would be good for working projects. 
laundry area in unit
good flow in the common living areas 

Have really tried I to go with the flow as far as the peri meno goes but it is spiraling out of control! The migraines are not worst in intensity but they are coming more often. It has gone from 2-3 a year to once every other month! I have more space in between my periods but the length and intensity is painful! I really thought I was going to throw up this last one. I felt horrible, achy, bloated, puky, headache  migraine later. Not cool with all the hours I work. It lasted 2 weeks instead of 4-5 days! I am soooo ready to be barren - bring it on!

Hopefully summer will arrive soon so I can put away the polar fleece and break out the shorts! Rose Festival is over so the weather should turn better now. :) 

Piece of mind

This winter was fairly dry but cold early on. I was able to bike a good amount. Since mid January it has been exceedingly wet and cold! We had snow in April!  Add to that my many life changes and I have not been on my bike much. I am trying to tweak my daily routine as well as my obligations so I can fit in my rides again. It is extremely important to my all around well being. I have been able to get in a ride at least once a week but I really need more. I have to find a better balance of ride/work/Abby and family. I hope to carve in project time too. Working the mid shift has been a harder adjustment than I thought it would be.

Currently I start work at 11am so it leaves little time in the morning. If I ride I don't spend time with Abby until after work. I have tried to go to bed earlier and get up earlier but it is an adjustment. I really like my Abby morning routine. I get up and go through our 5 minute greeting of petting, jumping, silly noises and kisses after which I grind the beans to start the coffee. Next we go outside for Abby to do her thing. When we get back upstairs is where the silly begins. She likes to dash into the apartment and run down the hall to the bedrooms. She then dashes back by the living room window where her dog bed and toys are kept. She will grab one and will usually run back at me to greet me still taking off my coat and putting away her leash by the door before she dashes back down the hall to Wil's closed bedroom door. She will stop and listen at the door, play with her toy briefly before running back up the hall and onto the couch to meet me or beat me to it. I used to think that she was hoping Wil would magically appear when she ran to his door but now I think it is to make sure he/they are still asleep so she can have me all to herself. After I change from shoes to slippers and grab the coffeepot we settle on the couch for a few cups of coffee and TV. She does not like it when the routine is changed. She used to jump up and greet anyone that finally woke up but now she (who is usually dozing or asleep) will snug in closer to me. Yup, she is my silly girl. I love my bike ride but would really miss that.

Monday Monday

I have had quite the roller coaster ride the last few weeks. Getting our place ready for Kel's visit, finally getting a dog (Wednesday), looking for a new place to live, prepping for moving, family time and hormones. Um wow.

The hormones are wacky. (Understatement) I have not had a period since (Jan) Friday the 13th or the 17th when it randomly came back for a few days. I have been emotional, anxiety ridden, crampy and generally trying to keep hold of the hormone triggered rage. I would rather stop having them all together! When I go longer than the 30 day cycle and don't start its like my body is at war. My mind creeps into it too. That is why I bike and DIY. Having Abby around will help with the "blues" that can grab hold.

As usual I have way too much going on in my world that I am in charge of . . . As usual I keep plugging along. Photos of Abby tomorrow!

Feeling more like Diva again

As I walked to my break (at work) today I was feeling more like myself than I have in awhile. My legs feel strong, I have more energy and the personal routine is helping get "Me" back on track. I looked at my Google Calender and noted that it has been 2 weeks to the day since my last "period". So far I don't feel "the nasty" coming on so YEAH! I even broke out the Crock Pot Monday night. I have not been cooking much but eating frozen meals at work. I wanted to change that so I hit TJ after work for meats, veggies and other assorted things. I made "Steak tip" stew that was delish! Wil dislikes stew beef so I got a better cut of meat for cooking. I got a serving yesterday for work lunch and today but Wil demolished the rest! I also bought chicken, yellow curry sauce and veggies to make a dish to go over rice. Wil might be making that now since the stew is gone. I might even make pizza tomorrow on my day off.

I went biking again today. It was short but I wanted to get out there in the "some" sunshine. It is supposed to be rainy for most of my day off but that is fine. I have home organizing projects to keep me busy. If the rain let's up by the afternoon I will bike. I think I will take my camera with me. I am most excited that I ended up with 5 (working) days AND a weekend! It is supposed to be sunny and 50! I am a happy Diva.

Bike today and then again tomorrow!

Today I finally got to go on a bike ride. I have not been able to go of late with the pouring rains that caused flooding. Understand that I will ride in the rain (I live in the Pacific NW!) but a driving rain with close to freezing temperature and wind to boot is a no-can-do-situation for this Diva. It is too hard on the body. I have most of the proper gear but not all. I have a good over coat but it does end up soaked through in a good downpour. I don't have a full helmet (has sizable vent holes) or a rain cover for the helmet so my head can get dripping wet. All in all I do pretty well and certainly not complaining. It is my "therapy" of my choice.

Today I was still tired but need to get back with my personal schedule. Biking in the mornings before work and as I can on my days off. The weather has not been the only factor in not being on my biking schedule. Most of January has been family matters, lawyer stuff (which was beyond stressful- jury trial!) , peri-meno making me soooooo tired and having way too many periods in short order! I have been sleeping up to 12 hours-WHAT! I just want to get back to my personal schedule since it also gives me more energy and fights the evil peri-meno! I also have more time and energy for the creative and isn't that what its all about for this Diva?

I am very proud of myself for going on my ride this morning. It was starting to rain lightly but I made myself go. I am so glad I did! I started to head my usual route but a freight train was blocking my path. It was long and at that moment blocking the city street and stopped. I will sometimes ride back and forth (a long route) where I can see "what's the 'haps". This looked like a long dilemma so I headed off towards the industrial area but some what along the river I love. I ducked onto water front paths I have not explored before. I really enjoyed my tour and even went over a street viaduct I had not gone over before. It was the only way to get back on my side of the tracks and get to work. It was a relaxing and happy ride especially with a wandering mind. It was just what I needed.

I look outside now and feel especially smart that I went in the gentle rain earlier. It is raining hard, very wet and blustery. Yeah Me. Here is hoping tomorrow is just as good for a repeat!

Friday the 13th

My plans today (on my day off) were many leading up to a family "Christmas Birthday Friday the 13th Party" My Auntie She She from Cali is in town! I have been looking forward to this all week! I have been dragging everyday not getting the things done I want cause all I want is to sit on the couch. That is not the usual me and more importantly not how I want to be. Anyway, I got up and tried to keep moving forward. Did some stuff on the comp and got ready for my day. My comp has been squirrelly of late but got a weird. "You have a threat" on your comp message before I shut it down. I bagged it up to take for my Auntie to check out after the party.

I was most annoyed but it "kind of makes sense" moment when my period started 2 weeks and 4 days after the last one. (that was 2 weeks to the day from the one before that was the same) I really wanted to climb into bed and do nothing but did not allow myself. Maybe I should of. . . . .

I was on my way to Lake Oswego to the New Balance Store. I had to pick up the next pair of shoes Will (the Manager) had on hold for me. They are updating the model I wear and selling out the old one for half off so Will is hoarding 3 (now 2) pairs for me. It's good to be Diva. My oil warning light blinked on while driving to LO but did not stay on. That worried me so I wanted to find an Oil Can Henry's to have it checked. There is one farther down the freeway but I had to go back home to pick up my Wil for the party. He worked the morning shift. I remembered there was one in my 'hood so I finished my shoe biz and headed that way.

There was a line since we have a snow alert in the area. I was 20 minutes from starting my oil change. I went with that option since the last change was early October. I don't drive much so I go by the three month rule not miles. Turns out I was 2 out of 4 quarts low! I have a major oil leak out of my valve gasket - pooh. I called a couple of Volvo shops from my parents house and Swede 1 is the best price by $50! I have (despite snow on the Valley Floor by Sunday into Monday) an appointment for Monday morning (my next day off) to fix my Ethyl MeRM. I also had to get one headlight fixed during the oil change before a cop pulled me over and gave my a hefty ticket.

I suppose that was enough in a day for one Diva. The up side is my Dad's present and card arrived today. A vintage light up stained glass rooster. He loves it.

Surprise to me

I guess it's been a bit of time since I logged on to my laptop. I did not remember changing my desktop photo for the fall. The good and bad of having a semi smart phone. Well, I have been busy trying to get my parents house decorated for the holiday, cleaning for their annual holiday cocktail party and getting my place cleaned up and decorated for the holidays as well. Throw in a hormone migraine (3 days) that I had to keep moving during and working I have been busy! Did not even have time to work on the chair on my days off because of the migraine.

As for Christmas I almost have all the presents got and hope to wrap this week. I felt way ahead of Christmas in October but now feel behind again. I got some brain storms on what to get people this year so that is the bright side. I am working Christmas Eve and part of Christmas day. I actually had them off since I am on call and don't have to work any days I don't want to but Wil got more days to work recently so now he works both! Wil has to work shortened hours on Christmas Day so I picked up part of a shift. I had less days this week so this should make it right. We are heading to my parents for a short Christmas Day celebration that eveing.

Tomorrow on my day off Wil and I are making a day of it. We are going food shopping then to the Muppet Movie. Should be a nice day.

I did not know

So I have been stressed lately but really? I have to work with a unstable person almost every night. Nobody else can stand her and they wont pick up the third shift if it is open because they don't want to be around her. Yes, that bad. I went to bed last night after the news at 11:30pm. I did not set an alarm (8:45am) thinking I might sleep in until 9:30 but I have not done that for awhile. I woke up at 11:00am - what! This is my only day off until the following Wednesday! I wanted to work on the chair project today but am taking "the day off". I am going to catch up on things, putter and of course bike. There is a huge storm front coming in the next few days that may dump up to 6 inches of rain in the Metro area. It was down near freezing with a freezing level at 1000 feet but with this storm coming in it is 47 currently and to get slightly warmer. Anyway, I don't think I will have the opportunity to bike after today so I must get my butt moving. Well, I could if I had scuba gear. I hope to get some unfinished posts done later today. Stay tuned!

One step closer

Well, It went well at the Docs office this morning. She totally agreed with me about pet therapy vs drug therapy. It works for Senior Citizens, right? As I was telling her my reason for the visit and some of my peri-menopause symptoms that seem out of control I truly recalled all my mental weight and how hard I have worked to stay positive and keep moving positively forward. I told her I have been through a lot in the last 11 years but I am proud of what I have survived, worked through and accomplished! She agreed and told me I am a strong single woman with a lot of responsibility going through menopause and it is demanding. Why does it take a near stranger to tell us what we already know about ourselves? She took some blood to check on my thyroid (again) and hormone levels. She wants to see where we are and what we might need to do for me to seek some emotional relief. That seems to be my menopause hell. Instead of hot flashes I almost weep on a dime which is beyond frustrating! I have never been an emotional nightmare but now I cant watch a Hallmark commercial without tearing up or worse - Jesus Fuck!

Ken is on board to help me find my new dog. He is watching OHS and said if I wanted a second opinion on a dog outside of OHS he would go with me. He really does a lot behind the scenes with the dogs at OHS so I figure he was a good guy to have in my corner. I am excited to start seeing what is out there. I don't want to rush into anything since I want to get this right but knowing my new companion is out there waiting for me is very uplifting. I am excited to meet my new best friend.

It is about Me (in my head)

I have been mulling some thoughts and wants around in my head for sometime now. I have put some things important-to-me on hold while I still have Wil living with me. I thought it would be short term when we moved here 5ish years ago! I thought the boys would get through high school and move on. It looks like it will still be a few more years for Wil. I told Wil he could live with me until he finishes school. I want to be a supportive parent and give the push he needs to start his grown up life so here I stay for now.

One thing I need is living in a more suitable place for me. I want one that has actual outdoor space with garden , a work area that has space to store tools and projects in progress. I need to be able to start a project and not have to finish and clean up in a short amount of time like when I work at my parents garage/yard. The type of projects I like to do require dry time and several days of adding layers or what have you. I have tried to work on things at my parents or in the parking lot of my building, Nells (before they opened) or Comedy Sportz (before the Oregon Jewish Museum opened) but it isn't enough! I have soooo many projects busting out of my head and not enough time to work on them the way I need to. Some have been bashing to get out and done for a bit. It is beyond frustrating to my creative side.

The other important thing I have put on hold since moving here is being a dog owner again. This is the longest period in my life that I have not had a dog in my life. I have had some great close relationships with my dogs through the years. They were always there for me and "on my side" but more importantly my companion. Henry was a golden retriever stray I had for many years. She was a great companion that was so in tune with me. She got me through tough times and brought me great joy on a daily basis. I still miss her and that was over 20 years ago! Right now in my life I need that special bond. I have a lot going on in my life that is scary and hard. As always, I have tried in my own "Marta way" to keep moving in a positive way but need a little help. I have elderly parents (don't tell them that) I am starting to worry about, two sons that need to grow up some more, work is wonky and dating is not working. The creative is still moving forward but stifled. I really want and need a dog that is my steady friend. My building is a no pets - "unless you have a special note from your doc zone". I'm not wanting to break any rules but honestly feel that at this point in my life I really do need this for me to help me help myself cope. I feel like I am turning into a little old lady weighed down by the mental weight I am carrying about. This can really take a lot out of you physically! I come home in the winter and chill at home all lazy like. I need a purpose and meaning to get out of this funk I'm settling in. Cycling therapy has always helped but it has been too chilly/wet this winter to "work it" soooo . . . I have my projects but the frustration of lack of space and cold temperature has put a hold on a lot. That adds to the mental weight I am feeling. I can only plan and make ready with so much on my projects until the weather turns. Basically instead of therapy and zombie drugs to (not) cope with "life's up's and downs" I want pet therapy instead. The peri-menopause is really clamping down hard on me too as well as my feet pain acting up. I'm not feeling sorry for myself but the opposite - I'm trying to pick myself back up! I am still standing but want a four legged friend by my side to find my spunk fire again. Doesn't everyone want a side kick? I am going to my doc on Monday to discuss this with her and see if she agrees with my thought train. I feel hopeful having written my thoughts down, made the doc appointment and even started looking online at adoption sites. I even gave Ken the heads up so he can give me the inside track at the Humane Society. I know the whole process will take some time if it moves forward but feeling proactive in the process is very uplifting.

Thank Gosh for Fucking Fridays!

I am soooo glad to be to Friday this week! It has been a crazy work week. I still had my migraine Monday and Tuesday and meanwhile my boss got the horrible cold (that Wil also has) that is going around. We had short days since Jennie felt like death warmed over. Once the Pharmacist leaves the building I cant be in the Pharmacy. My migraines are never bad like some but I am the walking wounded when I have them. Anyway, I had to make up hours Wednesday and Thursday after leaving early earlier in the week. Jennie stayed until 4-4:30 but after she left I went to another part of the hospital and worked on paper work. I worked 9-10 hours Wed and Thursday. Even though it is Friday (TGFF) I do have to work 4 hours tomorrow. Usually the part time gals cover our Sunday shift but our weekend Pharmacist could not work Sunday this week but Saturday. The gals had plans to go out to dinner and dancing so I took the shift. My Pharm has to work her regular shift at her full time gig so I start at 4pm. It will make up the last of my missed hours this week so I cant really squawk too much.

Today after work I had my first dentist appointment in a few years. (so glad to have health care again!) I was a bit nervous that there might be some work that needed done. The appointment was 2 hours long! They checked everything out, did a cleaning, x-rays and the outcome is beautimous! I have a small not cavity between two teeth (one is a crown) that they want to fill. I am pleased and relieved!

Happy weekend to all and to all a great Sunday!

Sunday Sunday Sunday!

Is it Sunday already? I started out this weekend with energy for a change! I got off at 12:30 on Friday and had plans with my mom. I met her at her house (very close to work) and we got going! We started by dropping my car off at Smart car to get my oil changed. They do an oil change for $19.99. Ken told me about it since he now works at Smart car as a salesman. If you need a cute, safe car call Ken. We went to lunch at a Chinese restaurant my mom had wanted to take me to for awhile. The three times we tried to go for lunch they were opening late, remodeling or closed! She thought I would like it better than my fav Canton Grill in SE. The BBQ pork was excellent in my combo but the chow mien did not hold a candle to Canton. I liked the place (The Golden Dome by Target at 217) but Canton is tasty.

Mom wanted to give the shoe hunt thing another try again. Since getting my orthodontics 3ish years ago I have only been able to wear the stabilization New Balance running shoe as prescribed by Doc G. We have tried looking before but the criteria from the doc made it impossible to find any other shoe. I can honestly say for the first time in years my feet are pain free!! I still follow all the doc said to do including ALWAYS wearing my shoes. Get out of bed in the morning straight into the shoes, out of the shower I dry off and put on the shoes, never barefoot or in slippers or flip flops. It has been a hassle and weird at times but now that I am pain free I guess it was worth it. I never really thought I would be able to say that. I am diligent in what doc said now since I never want chronic pain like that ever again.

We started at Macys we looked at 7 shoes and I found a shoe I thought was cute and super comfy but they did not quite have my size. We were a bit bummed but felt hopeful so we hit the mall. At the Shoe Mill we worked with a salesman that knew my doc and how difficult his criteria of a shoe and fit is. We were there about an hour and a half. I tried on 14 different shoes (the most hopefuls ever in our searches) and I found 2 I loved and even a new type of slipper that adapts to your feet like Birkenstocks! They are boiled combed wool top and lining then cork bottom. This idea so excited me! Slippers instead of tennies like a normal person. As for the other shoes one is a mary jane slight wedgie shoe and the same one I saw at Macys. I wish I had $350 to spend on shoes but had to pick one at a time. So, did I pick the uber comfy bowling looking shoe in black that would be cute with jeans and skirts? Maybe the allure of "normal" person slippers won out? The girlie girl in me won out with the cranberry colored mary jane Dansko shoes - they are sooo cute! Best of all they will look good with skirts and they are not tennis shoes!!!

Like I said the weekend started out well but Saturday before my parents got here around noon for more errands (my mom wanted some of those slippers) I realized I had the start of a migraine. I get about 2 a year and they are never severe I don't always understand right away why I feel "off".

Anyway, we went to Ling Garden for spicy food (that and saki help with a migraine but noon is a bit early for drinking in my world) then to the mall for mom to get slippers and to Macys for long sleeve t's that finally came in. The Macys "Style" Every Day Value t's have a bit of lycra in the cotton and really wash and wear well and for only $12 each! It was good to be out but I gotta make sure I don't bend over too much or turn my head a lot as that brings on the nausea. We sat and had coffee as that helps with a migraine, then home by dinner time. By the time I had changed in to jams and got pillows to lean back on for the couch I was feeling queasy so I sat and watched TV. I did end up eating crackers with cheese and a glass of red wine. I was good if I did not move too much til about 10pm. The best thing to do with the nausea increases is sleep. I have only thrown up once with a migraine but that makes the headache triple so I go to right to sleep when it heads that way!

Today I am better but still in migraine-ville. I'm going to get dressed, add a hat and shades and take an easy walk outside. The light does not hurt me but it can egg on the nausea. I'm hoping the fresh air in the beautiful fall day helps the headache and the movement calms the legs. Stupid DVT messed up the circulation in my lower legs. Biking and my life style of movement usually keeps the legs happy. No couch potato life style allowed!

I seem to be on an upswing energy and mood wise except for this migraine. Enjoy the day and love the sunny fall days!

a long path traveled

I have had a tough time of late. I have been doing retrospection of the last few years. I have had some awesome success and some tough breaks. Overall I would have to say its a wonderful life . . . .

The hormones have been tough on me especially this past month. I have just not felt myself. The perspective phrase I say to myself has been "I know it's the hormones" but sometimes knowing that isn't enough. I feel restless, agitated and anxious in my own skin and mind. It becomes easy to see the "glass half empty" and not be comforted by the simple things. Usually a bike ride, walk in my neighborhood or working on a project gets me focused and calmer but that has not been working the last few weeks. I have felt really "blue" and unmotivated. I make myself keep going in everyday things but it has taken a lot of effort. I know this will pass but it still hurts. I don't like feeling like this! Small things that I would normally brush past and not be troubled by now bug me. I need to keep going - not give in. I don't want to pop a pill or use this as excuse for bad behavior but to remain "me". The folks I would normally lean on in this type of situation are having issues of their own right now and don't need my burden. I have tried to be there for them recently as they have for me in the past. If this sounds like whining that is not the intent. I feel like if my feelings are typed out they are real. I can validate them and see the positive.

Going to the memorial last weekend hit me hard given my state of mind. I did not know the person very well but had such a pain in my heart that they could not see a better solution! I have been in some tough spots in the last ten years. Some I did not see a way out of or how to "fix" it but ending my life has never been a real option. Like I have said in the past I don't know if I'm too stubborn or not smart enough to give up! I cant imagine being in such a dark place that I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. Bunny had many people she could have turned to as did the young man of the last memorial. They just turned inward until there was no where else to go. It is so sad to think of them so hurt and alone.

Like I said it is a wonderful life. I have a lot to be grateful/thankful for. Sometimes things don't mesh but I need to keep-on-keeping-on knowing I will turn a corner soon. Thanks for reading my rant. No worries - I'm still standing . . . . .

Duh, now it makes sense

Men who don't like TMI stop reading now. My negative mood makes more sense now. My period started early again. While I am excited at the "end" of my baby making days it does reek havoc on the body and mind to get there. Hormones are too powerful. Since I have been and still am sick there has been no bike riding. I really miss my "Zen" moments.

Still no tree up in the apartment but hope to get that started by Saturday. Today after work I have to grab Wil and head to Costco for my glasses, food shopping and hopefully small Christmas shopping.

Happy Joy

You never know what is coming

I'm pretty psyched today! My period is two weeks early. Do you know what that means?!? I am on the final descent into barren town! I have actually been cold and needed a jacket or something of late. I know I'm not there yet but am very proud of myself and learning some zen-like techniques on coping with the emotional roller coaster. Being able to bike has really helped tremendously! Not only the weight loss and muscle tone but it truly takes the anxiety edge away. The final thing I have to do is go inward and talk and breath myself through some intense emotions. I have learned to keep them in and let them rage to fizzle out but not spew forward at people. My hope in (over) sharing my experiences it might help another.

Go forward and enjoy! I'm going to bike instead of clean (again)