A New Day a Different Light

Yesterday was a hard day. Actually it was The hard day in the string of nagging days. The fear really creeped into me and upset me to the point that I was tearing up at thoughts. The Kill Bill marathon the night before helped but I am scared. I got off work early yesterday since it wasn't busy. I went home and at first was paralyzed by the helpless feeling. I just wanted to veg in front of the T.V. and zone but I knew I would regret doing that and probably wouldn't sleep well. I started out little by taking care of some small chores I had been avoiding. I got a phone call I couldn't get out of so I continued to putter and got the clutter of my bedroom cleaned up. I still had the tearing and panic but I felt a bit of accomplishment trying to brighten the dark. Nick was spending the day at his girlfriends again (with adult supervision) so I planned a dinner Wil and I would like that Nick doesn't. I had to finish the pots from the night before but it felt good to move and do something that felt positive. Much better than TV spaceout. I knew I was not in a social mood and in fact would start crying if I went out or talked on the phone. I have some funky stuff going on with my body that isn't helping. I decided that after getting some things done that would give me a better feeling I would watch a show and work on my knitting. I have not had the chance to do much knitting. It felt good to have that feeling of accomplishment be it small. The knitting helped some of the feelings to drop away. I enjoyed the silliness of Coupling then went in to work on the computer some and see if there were any new job postings. All in all yesterday I think I applied to 6 or 7 jobs so that was a positive move forward.

After making dinner I remembered the new season of the L-Word was starting. I finished all the the 3 seasons earlier this week so I was excited. It was a good episode with some wild things happening.

Mia Kirchner plays Jenny who is a confused Bi-gal that has trouble in love relationships. I have an issue with how insensitive she is with past lovers but that is another rant for another post. What got my attention during this episode is Jenny has had a tough time (and made bad decisions) in her life. She is a writer and wrote her story that is going to get published as a memoir. She met with the editor who told her she wouldn't publish the story as is because Jenny was still a victim even after overcoming some tragic things. Jenny was surprised to be told that and mildly disagreed. What got my attention is being called a victim after coming out the other side of hard times. Does that make me a victim? I wouldn't want to be perceived that way. I have a tough time sometimes on repeated things but but I don't feel a victim. Does having a hard time finding your way make you a victim? If you are strong enough to get past the tragedy and move forward how is that a victim? Food for thought. It sure made me think.