Learn from the Sadness

Today was a sad day to top a sad week. It was the memorial for Bunny Lepowski. She was young, full of life, love and felt and did everything fiercely. That is what did her in. The league came together as a family to say farewell to a beautiful person. One of her many talents was making someone she hardly knew feel welcome - a great friend. She did not like to see anyone left out or sad. She had an energy, laugh and smile that lit up a room and had you like a moth to a flame wanting to be near her.Her team especially is having a horrible time trying to cope.

I was dreading going to the memorial today. I did not want to feel a heavier sadness than what I had this week since hearing the news about Bunny. I must live in a bubble because I realized at my age I have not really lost a friend. Some elderly relatives but not any family close either. It seems weird to me. I was scheduled to work at the call center job from 12:30-8pm. Not only can I not allow myself just take the day off but they were counting on me as we have a sale going on that ends Sunday. I asked not knowing what the reaction would be if I could come in earlier and leave for the memorial but come back to work after. Not only were they instantly agreeable but told me if I needed more time to just call in and say so. If I did not want to come back after that was okay too. Whatever I needed. What I always liked about this place is that family, respect and caring is this company and the people who work here! They consider me one of them and hired me back from me calling and asking for a job. No fuss just saying what hours do you want. Being back here has made me understand that the hospital I work in is not a healthy environment. Most of the people are back stabbing, mean hearted bitches. I have made some nice friends of other on call folks that feel just as out of place and stuck as me. Given the economy I am stuck there for now but they would not have been that supportive in my needing to go to a memorial on short notice. I would have to find my own replacement or be at work.

Bunny was devastated by the ending of a long time relationship. I can totally relate. I did not know how I would go on without "Big Man". I was hurt beyond measure and humiliated on top of that. I can see the need to end the pain than to feel it in every fiber, with every breath not knowing if it would ever stop cutting like a knife. Bunny had many people in her life and many that were close but did not have the strength to reach out to them. I am thankful that I had Deeg. We grieved together and I found my feet again and remained standing. I have my insane stubbornness that wont let me give up.

Coming back to work after the memorial was the right thing for me to do. I'm the only one here in my corner. I have had some wonderful calls from people appreciating my help and even made me laugh. I needed to do that and not stay in the sadness. I am feeling very fortunate today. Being touched by this type of tragic loss makes you reflect on your own life. My financial troubles are difficult but now in the scheme of the world I'm doing okay. Nothing is ever that bad.

I went through my nicer than everyday jewelery for today's memorial. Maybe I'm old fashion but I think you should pay your final respects dressed a little nicer than usual. I was surprised to find the ring "Big Man" gave me for my 40th birthday. I took it off May 3rd 2002. Seeing it made me think about the pain Bunny must have been in because she loved and lost. It cost her dearly. I put on the ring today to mourn Bunny but also to remind myself that though I may loose the love of someone and hurt deeply I will always have the love for myself more and remain standing.