Not what I expected

So I just paid rent and a few bills and feel poor already! I cant completely complain though. I did not use the "half of rent" I had saved from the last pay check. I hope I can leave it untouched and keep the rest if my spending to $300 I have left. We shall see.

I received an e-mail from the guy I briefly dated this summer. He said he felt "no spark" so we agreed to be music buddies. Anyway the whole kiss at the end really through me. After he moved to Washington DC I asked him what that was about. I never heard back until this last week. Imagine my surprise when he said such things like "The last time, yes I wanted to make out very much. Want to go somewhere and be alone and smootch for a bit. I did not get that vibe from you. Kind of got a bit of buddy thing there from you. Just an awkward situation." Um, okay. You said there was no spark . . . "And with you not driving it seemed tough to have you visit me in Vancouver." What? I guess when we met in my neighborhood or DT I walked or took the Trolley so you assumed I had no car? Have you tried parking in my neighborhood? "So who knows, had we spent sometime watching a movie or some such quiet time it might have played out differently." Really? Don't you think it would have played out differently had you communicated your feelings with me in the first place? I had no idea! You were the one too busy to hang out anyway. You even blew me off on your last weekend after you asked me to save Saturday night!

There endeth the rant.

Living my life

I have been so busy living life I have not had time to write about it! I will go down the list in my brain (that I remember) and catch you up. I can’t rely on the internet to remind me where I left off here so bear with me. I am at my parents watching the place while they are at a funeral. Working on my laptop but no internet. Worker guys are ripping up and replacing flooring in their kitchen/pantry/family room.

About three weeks ago my dad changed the 5 gallon water bottle on the way to bed. The next morning the panty floor was squishy. . . . The bottle was faulty and caused a lot of damage. It also set in motion a decorating nightmare for me. Why? Cause I am the grunt labor minion for my parents. I do enjoy the decorating part but can only do so much manual labor! (I seem to be the decorating minion for a few.) So you have to change the floor, now the paint needs freshened and the cabinet knobs are old and the counter and cabinet doors need updated . . . . . *sigh* Like I said. I don’t mind helping (and by helping I mean doing) but where is the fire people! Can I have some time now and again to work on my stuff and my place? I started painting my bedroom around the time of this disaster but have not had time to work on my room! I cant start it and leave it for a day or two as there is no where to leave things!

In other remodel fun I have been bartering Jewelry for interior painting with t. I feel I am getting the better end of the deal but she feels the same so win-win. Last week when they were out of town I finished the woodwork in the bathroom. I don’t think the former owners of the house stripped the varnished wood work before painting. I spent about 4 hours sanding down everything in a smaller bathroom before I could even paint. I did the best I could but am still not convinced it was the best job I could have done. Some of the old paint came off in full sheets like it was never stuck to anything! I was limited on time to do the job and communication with the vacationing folks so I continued. t had said in the near future the bathroom vanity would be replaced and that was where the iffy paint was so I made it look pretty for now. I still need to paint their master bedroom and touch up on the ceiling where others did not have a steady hand. (I am so anal when it comes to painting! t says I am detail oriented. Same thing, right?) The painting is on hold at her house until the replacement windows get installed. I will be painting the windows inside and out. They will come primed from the factory. I will be quite pimped out with t jewels by the end of the summer.

Dating and Robert. Notice that I said them separately. Last I checked we decided to be music buddies. We did go to one concert . . . with his grabby friend. It took too long to get my CD’s back from him. Here is the rest of that story. I had e-mailed and texted him a couple of times to get my CD's back from him I lent him the night of the concert. This was after waiting for a week and a half after he got back from his long weekend camping trip. His excuse for forgetting me was his life changing news. He got a promotion and transfer to Washington DC. He was leaving on the 26^th to drive there to start his new job on the 5^th of July. He asked if I wanted to meet for a beer in my neighborhood. I picked Deschutes Brewery because I like the beers and the walk from my place. I had a busy day leading up to meeting (which will be another installment in this catch up saga novel I am writing.) so I did not have time to make dinner. We ended up eating there at the bar since it was so packed (with hipsters that Robert dislikes) even after 7pm. I was surprised that two hours went by! My plan was to browse/people watch at Powells on my way home but Robert insisted on driving me home. Last time he drove me home he dropped me around the corner from my door and gave me a hug with his seat belt still on. That is what I expected this time but nooooo. He practically killed the transmission slamming it in park. *huh?* He ran around the truck and opened my door . . . okay. . . *very puzzled* He waited while I thanked him for dinner then swooped in for the usual hug. As I was pulling out of said hug he planted a kiss on my lips along with pulling back into the hug – WHAT? Is this how music buddies say good bye because that is not how he acted last time – just his friend. I was stunned to say the least. Anyway this was on Wednesday and he asked to see me that weekend. I told him it was Pride (no, I had not told him about being Bi since we were not dating. We had not really had any big conversations about ourselves.) and I was going to different venues during the weekend. Did he want to go to a dance party? He seemed interested. By Friday morning he sent me a text that he was having a garage sale that weekend (Fathers Day weekend is a bad weekend for a garage sale but whatever) but we would talk soon. I did not expect to hear back after that and I have not. He was so passive/aggressive! Bottom line is he was a nice enough guy but no spark. He was unreliable in our short time and I felt like I scolded him for his lack a manners more than anything. I honestly don’t expect to hear from him again but anything can happen. Stay tuned.

Wil had asked me if his friend from high school could stay with us a few days. He moved to Louisiana last year with his parents. They moved there because of the college their kids could go to as residents. Anyway, Wil forgot about the dates until he got a call from said friend while he was at work the night before. I did not find out until after noon. I made Wil clean his room and I vacuumed. The “Boy’s” bathroom needed some attention too and the kitchen. That was why I did not have time to make myself dinner before meeting Robert. Wil and his friend went out to have pizza and meet some friends after the friend arrived early. I finished cleaning up. The next day I had to get up early to work at t’s so when I came home that afternoon I took a nap. During my nap Wil’s friend found out that his only friend in his new home town and his apartment sitter shot himself in the head on the couch. His parents were also out of town on vacation. That is hard news to receive but when you are back in the area where all of your friends are and where you would rather be I imagine it to be even worse. They went out with some friends that night who could not go out the next night for his birthday. At least it did not happen on his birthday? I was dead asleep when they came home that night. Wil had to work the next morning so he went to bed. The friend came into my room “to see if I was awake”. He said he wanted to talk to me. It went from talking to him to his being next to me on my bed. He asked if he could stay with me that night. Are you kidding me? First off, no! Secondly, you are my son’s friend and turning 23! I thought there was a guy code that deals with this. Not cool. Then he asked if he could kiss me. *What the fuck is wrong with you?!?* Anyway, I talked to him a bit about the friend and then sent him on his way. *shakes head* Why do these things always seem to happen to me? I acted like nothing happened the next day and he left that night as planned. I did not tell Wil what happened. Weird thing to have to deal with.Welcome to my world.

Pride started off with a block party in the sunshine! Friday was the first sunny day we had. I got a couple gals to go to the opening block party with me. There was a nice mix of folks there. The bands were good and the well drinks cheap and strong. After playing a couple rounds of pool we went outside (where the bands where sit up and playing) to the lounge area in the sun. I was walking in to use the bathroom when a cute, young gal looks at me and tells me how hot I am. She follows that with another statement or rather confession. She had recently broken up with her boyfriend and she is straight. I said thank you and kept walking. When I came back she told me again how hot I was then grabbed my face and appeared to be looking for my tonsils with her tongue. I don’t think she was a doctor so it was a confusing moment. My friends witnessed the exchange and thought I found a love connection. She did not examine anyone else but got me a couple more times. No digits, no name and still confused. Who goes to Pride to make out with a straight girl? Okay, I guess that is how things happen in my world. The only other connections I made at Pride were guys but not bi.

When I was going to the Pride Parade Sunday morning I walked by some floats queued up to go and heard a voice I knew. I said hi to a gay guy that used to help out at Derby. He told me to get on the float since others never showed up. It was a Salem group with the “Queen” of drag from the Salem pageant. “She” was dressed up but only one other out of 3 guys were "Dragged out". I am not sure why the two committed lesbians were there since they would not do drag. The guy I knew in this group had been drinking since 8am and it was 11:45. Aaron soon lay down on the “float” (long trailer towed behind an extended cab truck) then started throwing up. Good times. There was a Starbucks a block away and I had to go to the bathroom anyway so I went to get water and something to feed Aaron. The float was gone when I got back but only a few blocks away. When I caught up Queen Loni demanded I stay and wave to the crowd. Seeing as “she” was about 7 feet tall with heels and hair not to mention the 5 foot tall metal, blinged out septer I agreed. Instead of watching the parade I was in it. It was actually kind of fun. I got to be silly, flirt, jump off for hugs and see people I knew. It was also interesting to be part of the drag entourage once we got to the water front and Pride. Very interesting experience and I enjoyed living in the moment.

So yes, I have been busy living and doing stuff. I have more to say but out of time for now. I am still looking for "Lobster Todd". If you see him send him my way.

Why are we all so scared to be ourselves?

I have been thinking a lot the last several days about the way people communicate with each other. Why don't we just say what we want, need or feel? We are scared to be out of place, getting hurt or worse to hurt someone. Sometimes we keep the truth to ourselves thinking it would be better or easier unsaid. Wouldn't it be so much easier to be able to say "I really like you and hope you to feel the same for me." Instead we feel anxiety waiting for that phone call, text, e-mail or next meeting. We wait for the other person to say the things we want to hear or are too afraid to say. I am thinking about dating specifically in this rant but really in all of our relationships we don't say what we mean. Trying to date and put yourself out there is scary! I really have had some strange conversations via the e-mail. One guy says we are getting to know each other but in the last 3 weeks it has been a sentence or two of nonsense but no real information. I guess I scared him off anyway. We would answer each other every couple of days but he is MIA. God, I hate the looking for a normal person to hang with! I was fortunate in the past as far as a DB. We had a wonderful relationship except for the long distance thing.

I have run out of steam for this (continual) rant so I will leave it for now. "I don't want it all" just a person to share time with.

This is all I am asking for

All I am asking for is someone to see me for who I am and love me. I don't think it can be that hard, right? Lobster Todd where are you?!?!?!

Dating hurts my brain

So I had another "date" with the guy talked about in an earlier post. We went to a concert so I don't think it was supposed to be a date but "music buddies." He was going out of town with a friend the next morning (road trip) so the guy friend was going to be there too. He is from the Seattle area. The guy friend was very into me. Notice I did not say I was into him. He tried to put his arm around me, told me I was hot, asked me "Did I know I was hot?" He was also busy getting pretty drunk. By the end of the night when we were heading back in dude's truck friend was trying to turn my cheek (from the back seat) so he could kiss it. He would not stop trying. After I got out he jumped out trying to put his arms around me and kiss me. Lets just refer to him as octopus from now on. Dude's reaction? Told his friend to get back in the car. That's it. Normally I would have put an end to the shenanigans early on by a well placed knee to the groin area. Silly me, I thought my guy friend would put a leash on octopus. I have not heard anything from dude. The concert was Thursday night.

As for Dude I am confused. Part of my dating problems is I am a communicator. I want to get to know someone when I meet them. I ask questions and listen. I am thinking like a woman. Guys don't look at dating that way? He does not seem to be trying to get to know me. Maybe I should go back to ladies. Dating sucks.

update Diva style

How about a quick update?

I have not heard from Martin for well over a week. At first I was giddy when I got new e-mails. It really made me smile. The thing is he wrote with a lot of "..." instead of finishing sentences and thoughts. The subject of the e-mails never got very personal so it was not getting to know each other. There was sweetness but not really any moving forward. I answered him last and have not heard back. I was getting frustrated anyway so . . .

Had a job interview yesterday. It was with a fancy spa-like retail/Pharmacy. I don't have any retail Pharmacy experience which includes 3rd party insurance billing and compounding. I was hoping that my lack of experience would be over looked because of my shining customer service skills and current licenses in Pharmacy. I think there were 8-12 of us interviewing for 2 openings. I should have already heard back from them if I was in the running. They said they wanted to move quickly and hire by today. Since it is 4:30 I am not so hopeful. Honestly the only reason I got into the career is I was supposed to always easily have a job. It is interesting but not very creative. Which brings me into my next subject.

Anyone that knows me knows I love to watch HGTV. I love the design shows but equally enjoy the real estate shows. A couple times in my life I wanted to (or did) work in design and (almost) real estate. I met with a realtor in my neighborhood this morning. I wrote to her last week stating I was interested in learning more about being a realtor. I got a lot of information and things to think about. When I got home on CL there was an ad from the Company she was talking about (not hers) that is a great "group style" selling atmosphere - good for newbies. The ad is about how the company will cover the up front costs of the classes and license fees. I called the number and made an appointment to get more information on Friday. Don't get all worried people! I am not rushing into anything but getting information. I wrote her and sent her a link to the ad and she thinks it's a great opportunity. Her dad works at that branch.

I have a new re-purpose idea that would be storage too. I want to find a "free" kitchen cabinet that is free (so not an upper) standing so I can add locking wheels and possibly a counter space and "park" it next to the end of the kitchen. I can hide all the clutter that is behind the screen and not visible in the "Living room" but it sure is when you are in the kitchen! I think it will be useful when I move but for now I can put the micro on top and hide some of the small appliances that are currently on the limited counter space. It may take some time hunting in the free section on CL but it is part of the fun.

Not really having any luck selling my items on CL so far. After I posted my table 4 others popped up using a lot of my ad verbage and priced less - bitches! The only bites (but no follow thru) I have had is on the cabinet and the chandelier. I will re-post them Friday and hope to get new interest.

So you have been Diva'ed for the day!

update: online dating-or is it?

I have received e-mails that have really left me shaking my head in disbelief. I actually deleted one of my free dating site profiles last night. It was the only one that let me register as Bi. I never got very far with anyone on that site and it was where I received the bulk of weird e-mails. Some examples are (from a lesbian) "Would you consider having sex with someone before getting married." A creepy guy told me what a hot well endowed lover he was and was I okay with the string of lovers he and hi Bi wife wanted to experiment with. Wha? One e-mail I got yesterday was from a 38 year old Bi that said she never really breaks up with anyone. She would always consider sleeping with an "ex" anytime. Doesn't everyone feel this way? This morning I got an e-mail from a guy who lived in the f'ing forest and is looking for a BBW!?! First off if you had read my profile at all it clearly states in the header and within the profile that I am an URBAN girl and yes I have put on a few pounds but I am not a big girl! A transitioning "straight" man (soon to be woman) figured since I was Bi I would want him/her period. Really? In the photo he sent me he looked like Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie. Was I on a dating site or at a sexual circus?

Do any of you remember my excitement about a guy I met on the more "normal" dating site? His "handle" is SweetPDXguy. He had marked me as one of his favorites but never wrote to me. I had written to others back and forth but no real connection. When I was going through the site one day I looked to see who had marked me as their favorite and that is how I found him (again). I had read his profile a couple of months before when he first "marked" me but did not to write him. When I found him again I liked the profile so I wrote to him. We hit it off and wrote at least once a day back and forth asking and answering all sorts of questions for a few weeks. The flirting was fun and when I would get a new e-mail from him it would bring a smile to my face just opening it. He was making some life changing career choices at the time and decided it was not a good time to start a relationship. I was pretty bummed and would measure any potential dates to him. Last Friday I was almost done with a bike ride and saw a tall cute red headed guy walking into a building. Definitely got my attention but at the same time there was something familiar about him but could not seem to bring it to the front of my brain. I kept biking since I was not looking my best (stinky with greasy hair in my helmet pony-tailed up) to introduce myself to a hottie. About 1/2 mile later I thought I had figured it out - SweetPDXguy! We had e-mailed off the site so I had a real e-mail address. I e-mailed him that night asking if it was him. Since then we are e-mailing back and forth in that same puts-a-smile-on-my-face flirting fun. If nothing else I hope we meet this time so I am not left wondering "what if?" That was one of the harder aspects of our "ending." Stay tuned . . . .

Did I do the math right?

I was looking at my blog here and realized it has been over six years of my ramblings! That seems so long yet so short. I have done a lot of living in that time and shared it all. Re-reading some posts bring back good memories while others bring pain. I hope in all my typing that you, devoted readers, have got something positive out of it. I know that in expressing the good and the bad I have learned more about myself and the inner strength I did not know I had. I have survived, cancer, injury, heart ache, homelessness but have experienced love, triumph, joy and success. I am proud of who I am.

So I had a date this morning. I know I'm still sick but felt like I need to at least try to do something in life. I contacted this guy at the end of summer. We seemed to hit it off and decided to meet for a Happy Hour on Friday. That was on a Tuesday but then he disappeared. I saw he was online this last Friday and e-mailed him asking what happened. He said he had some bad experiences meeting gals from the site freaked and bailed. We typed back and forth Friday and then Saturday. He asked to meet and said he had tickets to Pittock Mansion. The last time I was at PM I was still married and the kids were in grade school. It sounded like a good time. We met for coffee and then headed out. Via e-mail he was a nice funny guy. In person he was okay looking but I felt no spark. The more we talked I wondered what we had in common. Strike one - He does not understand why people want to own pets. Strike two - He does not like to go to things with crowds (concerts, sporting events, downtown, DISNEYLAND) strike three - he has never understood the reason for parades. There is a lot more but it is disappointing to re-cap anymore. I like dating someone I just hate the finding them part.

Scooby Doo please leave!

I must be living in confused land today. I even took a nap but came right back to confused. My confusion began first thing in the morning. The huge house across the street from me has had a team of painters coming and going this summer. They started with a lot of prep and repairs. The home owner had them paint several colors on a huge piece of plywood that was propped up against the house. They also painted big samples on random spots of the house. Some colors were just horrible! I was excited to what they would pick. Earlier this week "the team" rented a high lifter and finished scraping and taping for paint. They started with a slightly more blue gray than what is has been on the house. They sprayed the whole thing! I was disappointed but hoped for a great two-toned trim combo. Yesterday I came home to a not very attractive bold brown trim going up. I felt so let down! I went out and about with a new gal in town (don't get excited for me. she is straight and living with a guy-one of Wil's best friends) We came by around 5ish and the local paint store van was in front of the place delivering more paint. Next time I come around it's almost midnight so I'm not paying attention.

This morning I wake up to the high lift beeping around. I don't look out right away because I am making my coffee and generally waking up. When I do I am shocked to see the front of the house is brick red! They sprayed the front and slopped over on the trim of the windows so they are some of the gray-blue and some brick red. I turn away in confusion. I peek out through out the day wondering what else has happened. A couple hours later I look out and the brick color is now the whole place! They left the little bit of brown trim on they had done. Next time I look out is just f'ed up. BTW The house has lap siding with shingles on the dormers. One guy is on the ground while the other guy is near the top of the house on the high lifter. Ground guy is spraying more of the brick color on the house side to side while the high guy used a roller up and down? Roller on the outside of the house . . . . going opposite the siding . . . using a roller . . . . change the color . . . . . . What the fuck?

I went on the dating site today as you probably know from my earlier post. I looked at the profiles of some who had viewed me, the ones who had e-mailed me and the ones who had tried to IM me. Just so you know I hate the imposition of the IM on the dating site. It reminds me of guys using cheesy lines at the bar. Anyway, I responding to an IM that I did not see when I was on and off the computer Tuesday night. I was being opened minded (nothing ventured not gained) so I wrote back. The message I got back made me roll my eyes. I'm sure it was sincere but it was annoying and cheesy. He said "Well I am truly blessed today.. You have reponded back to me. I would like to take a moment of silence..................................................................................................
.............................................First off I am not one of those player type of men who surf the dating sites looking for a booty call . . " It went on but the biggest irritation to me was I wrote back and told him I was not religious (important to him) , thanks and good luck. He wrote back saying he hoped to hear back from me? Dude! I just gave you the goodbye e-mail! Is it me or is the world spinning through confused town?

The other annoying thing about the guys that respond to my profile is how they instantly share personal info. I don't want to e-mail you with my personal e-mail or call you giving you my phone number. So far 4-5 guys has given me phone number and/or e-mail. I don't know anything about you and more importantly I don't want you to have mine. Later if we meet and I see you are not a serial killer or angry freak I will share. As a woman I am trying to be safe/smart to protect myself.

Puzzled

I am looking through the dating site profiles with an open mind but at times it is tough! I don't think it's appropriate (or necessary) to tell me how well endowed you think you are 2 sentences into your profile. That is a fact I should find out on my own and at a much later time. Attraction is important but to say only fit attractive people need apply is closed minded. What I think is attractive is not necessarily another persons cup of tea so you are blowing it from the get-go. What is up with a marital status "not single\not looking" - WTF?

It is weird online shopping but it isn't for a purse or necklace but a person you want to get to know. Weird concept. *shakes head in confusion*

Thinking hurts

I have been thinking about things a lot lately. Trying to understand things in my life I feel are not the way I want them to be to help me move forward. I have looked in some dark places and felt that pain again. I have had some thoughts suddenly pop into my head and said "duh!" All in all the deep thinking is exhausting and painful. I hope I am not just beating myself up but learning by my mistakes and choices. I will get back to that thought train in a later post when I can write in a way that makes sense not Marta speak.

As for dating. Hot dude from work turned out to be a game playing dick. Honestly I would have slept with him cause I wanted to but it never worked out. I'm okay with it except I really wanted sex!

Last weekend I had a stomach bug that kept me down through Monday. I really could not do much but sleep, sit or lay watching TV. A commercial came on for a new free dating site. Yup, I was bored enough I signed up. So far it seems that every strange geek, Grizzly Adams, ZZ Top wanna-be is on this site. I don't see myself on the back of a hog doing road tours with the Hells Angels hanging onto a guy that has more hair than me. That seems to be who they think is my perfect match. I am trying to be open minded but come on! The other frustration I have faced repeatedly is the majority of the dating sites make me choose a sex to date or worse don't let me choose. They just assume that everybody is hetro. The lesbian community tells me to get off the fence too. Most lesbians will walk away if I say I am bi. I ask why do I have to choose a side if I like everything? I am attracted to the person and don't see them as a man or woman.

I was an open book with the world until I got into pharmacy. Most folks in pharmacy are conservative, left brained thinking republicans. I learned early on that while they might not be homophobs they don't understand it and think it is disgusting so I have kept my sexuality quiet. It has been weird to not quite be who I am with people. I went through a lot to learn who I am and to not be true to myself is confusing.

Currently I enjoy my new pharmacy team of gals. They naturally assume I am straight like them. I feel like I have a cover over part of me and it feels strange. I don't see what coming out of the closet would accomplish. It would change they way they see/feel about me. That is a sad train of thought. Why does it have to be this way? I try not to judge people. Does it make people feel superior if they judge and put you down?

I'm going on a bike ride now to clear my head and enjoy the cooler more normal summer Sunday. Prepare yourself for more mental vomit that includes insight on Big Man/Bobby, DB and self portrait discovery. Neat.

"I follow the heart, not the anatomy."
Alice "The L Word"

Dating rules are stupid

I may just be the only person on the planet that does not know or follow (cause I don't know) the dating rules. I am penalized for being an honest person that does not play games-stupid! I have been told that all people play games but I truly try not to. Anyway, I am being played to "the guy does not call and see how clingy you will be" rule. I had numerous beers with Mr.t after the dragon boat races yesterday afternoon. He and then t (when Master t woke up from his afternoon nap) brought me up to speed in the retarded rules that guys follow. Really if "we" all know why play the games? So I don't know them but seriously. God, I hate dating. Can I just have really great sex?!?

A Wednesday

I have some pleasantries and a rant. I suppose I should I should rant first so I can enjoy the rest. No that is settled . . . This is one of the many reasons I am glad not to be at my old job. The bitches gossip and over embellish to the detriment of others! I did not want a (fake-we-are-sad-you-are-leaving) party so I asked the boss not to make an announcement so I could just slip out. Okay, it does not sound like the gal most of you know but there I got very private. I did not talk about my kids, my sexuality, dating really anything. They would take something and turn it into bullshit lie! I made some great friends there I will miss working with but sadly too many other "mean girls" I am sooooooo glad to be away from! Weeping Gashes! So, They made up that I disappeared because I was fired! Fucking bullshit you small lived/minded bitches!

As for the new job - I really love it! Real people hours, weekends - a life! I like my boss and my fellow tech. We laugh a lot while we are working hard. It is like walking into the sunshine for the first time after a long dark winter-really. The folks outside of Pharmacy are nice too. I enjoy going to work. I have brought a few folks with me that I enjoy working with so some old with the new. Oh, I used a few swear words I enjoy and people had never heard of them. I used Fucktard, Fuck Stick, Weeping Gash to name a few. Now they want a word of the week - weird and unusual. Sheesh.

I had Nick come in on his way back to school to apply for a job. He impressed them so I'm guessing he is hired. He has come so far in this six months. I am so proud.

Now for the cute guy I am in lust with. I thought maybe he was not interested after all until today. I think he is going through some stuff and working back-double- backs. Anyway, I asked him if he wanted to go to Derby on Friday. He said he had his son this weekend but the following weekend he was wide open. . . . . . yum

Ah, yummy . . .

I am pleased to say that the feeling is mutual. I hope to be on a date with my crush sometime soon. How cool is that. Makes me feel giddy and goofy at the same time. I can feel awkward when I really like someone until I see if and where it's going. We are still trying to exchange digits but keep getting interrupted . . . . grrr!

Stay tuned :)

Am I 17 again?

I am in a serious lustation! I don't really know this guy but I want to have my way with him! It is embarrassing how lusty I am over this guy! I don't want to even ask him out since I know nothing about him. He does not wear a ring but he is too yummy to not have a girl friend! I do see him about 10 or more times a day since it is a small hospital. He is always nice and smiles a dreamy smile at me and we talk but I don't want to embarrass myself but thinking he feels the same. I wish I could stop undressing him in my mind and seeing that thought flash at odd moments. God, am I 17 all over again? This is crazy.

Flying Monkey's could not distract me

It has been some time since I have had time to write! I have been busy working, looking for a job, getting Nick ready for school and generally catching up. I did miss the whole month of December being miserably sick. I still cant believe I truly missed the whole month! It has really been in the last week that I have felt back to myself. Sure, I wasn't coughing and sneezing but I was sure tired and sluggish. That was one bad-ass cold!

We have a yearly inspection in our building that comes before a federal inspection. It is used by management to come in and see if you live like pigs. :) Actually, they do make note of any repairs that would ding them in the federal inspection and come back in to make said repairs. They also have a check list of things you missed last time as well as a list of no--no's. As an example you cant block windows, have cords across doorways that could be a tripping hazard or too tight of a squeeze in hallways in case of emergency. This year they gave more than 1/2 days notice so some of us can get busy. :) I have not been the best house keeper since October when I took a second job. Wil seems to think I'm cleaning just for the inspection but really it soooo needs done. I'm using the inspection as a goal date. I have really got a lot organized, sorted, tossed, dusted and cleaned. Some of the organizing projects I have wanted to do for a long time but was too focused on two jobs and missing the month of December. I have more I want to do and some of the organizing is temporary since I came up with an even better idea after the fact but it will have to wait. I have some other things that need taken care of before I can re-do.

My next project is to get my tax stuff together for my wonderful tax man. He always takes such good care of me. I want to get things together so I get my refund back fast. I have my info from the employers as of today so I just need to go through all my papers savied throughout the yearand make an appointment. I have to pay my parents back for EM and pay off some over due bills. I will be happy to catch up and maybe even save some. I was hoping to have some money to get Wil a 21st birthday present. I will have to wait and see.

My 6 months is up at eHarmony. I will say I was disappointed at the whole process. I answered the questions for the profile as honestly as I could really thinking them through. I was matched to some guys that I saw no reason why they matched me with them! There were no connections, second dates and hardly any first dates. I got the sense from reading the write about yourself profiles that some of these guys just wanted to be married but not have to work at it. It was not a site I would recommend or use again. I really think I should have ignored all the (helpful) folks that insisted on eHarmony instead of Match.com. I wanted the chance to meet people (preferably men and women) and go on dates. I'm not looking for a soul mate or to be in love NOW! eHarm wont let you select to be matched with both sexes. Back to the old fashion way of meeting people. Run them over with your bike/car, blind dates or . . . . . I have no idea.

Fall, I'm in love

I am in love with Fall this year! Fall is my favorite time of year but this year it is even better. It is more of an "Indian Summer" especially since it has only rained twice in the last week. I'm enjoying biking in the beautiful sunshine. If I had PTO I would totally use it! The colors have not really changed yet but the smell of Fall is intoxicating! Add to the Fall smell the smell of the ocean when the tide is coming in (via the river) It feels like home to be by the river and just be.

I think about everything and nothing while I'm biking. Like I said before my biking is very therapeutic on many levels. I see things clearer when I'm not in the heat of the moment or the answer to a problem I've been mulling over suddenly pops into my head.

Few days out of Chemistry Dependency

I have had a few days for my head to clear from the intensity of my crush. The upside of the whole thing is now I remember what it's like to feel that way. I would love to find that with an unattached person. I'm still getting the random flashes in my head (a hand, hair, eyes) that get the heart pumping. Do they make a pad for over active female wetness? They should. I have no doubt now that I wont settle. Hard lesson to learn but gave me the right perspective going forward dating. So glad they live out of town! That would be too painful and hard to heal. All in all the Diva will be okay.

Have a great weekend!

Dating (and life) goes on

Since I last wrote I've been busy. I was communicating with four guys in the online dating site. I went on a date with one last week. He said in his profile he was 5'7" but when I stood up at the end I was taller. I am 5'51/2. There was no chemistry for me. He had mannerisms that were too much like my ex-husband. The guy I went out with yesterday gave up smoking to meet me. Sadly there was no chemistry here either. He has been living in or near the same small town for 30 years and has worked the same job. He does not like his job but work is all he does. At least I'm out there trying. Another has showed via e-mail he is very personally conservative. No can do.

This weekend was Derby Daze. I had signed up to go to the Ref workshops and see how I felt about Derby. Couplesk8 assumed I wanted to Ref. I ran the Penalty box all weekend and for the WoJ bout. It was fun to have Ref's from other leagues as well as girls. The scrimmages were fun to help with on Saturday and Sunday. Met some fun people I hope to stay in touch with. I also met someone that really sparked for me. It isn't often I meet someone that I'm instantly highly attracted to. (twice in the last ten years) I notice mannerisms and certain things I like. I was in full on crush before we even had a conversation. When we did speak there was something there and when we touched it was electric. It wasn't just on my side. All great, right? They live out of state and are married. That really bites. My heart hurts and I cant get them out of my head! Random thoughts pop in my head like their hands (yes, I like hands) and how they move around in a conversation, their voice, (again a voice can be very sexy) eyes, smile, principles and a confident patients and knowledge-FUCK! I'm hooked. Don't think less of them. They did not do anything untowards. We both felt it but did not act on anything. Okay, we had no personal space but it just seemed natural and yes when we touched there was an electricity .God it just hurts. Thankfully they live out of state so I can slowly get over this. It will take time. It would help if I could meet someone else. Anyone know anyone out there that would be perfect for a Diva? Help!

My life

Having a wonderful time with the Aunties! They are a fun loving bunch of ladies. I have gotten to know them a bit this summer. I even given them all nick names. They love it.

Finally a real update on dating. I have four dudes in open communication right now. I think I scared one away when he seemed personally conservative. The fourth fellow just went to open communication so we will start e-mailing and getting to know each other. I have one date on Wednesday at a happy hour. I'm trying to fit in another fellow this week but he works days this week and I am evenings. My only day is Tuesday but I already invited my dad for pizza and a movie. Other dude took my day off. Dad is a "maybe" so if he cancels I can meet the other dude. I would go for a quick bike ride either way. It seems to get the blood going and then I'm good til 9pm or later. If I don't do a ride I'm cross-eyed tired!

The thing is I'm not thrilled with any of these guys. I don't know if it's not meeting face to face yet or what. Stay tuned.