Why are we all so scared to be ourselves?

I have been thinking a lot the last several days about the way people communicate with each other. Why don't we just say what we want, need or feel? We are scared to be out of place, getting hurt or worse to hurt someone. Sometimes we keep the truth to ourselves thinking it would be better or easier unsaid. Wouldn't it be so much easier to be able to say "I really like you and hope you to feel the same for me." Instead we feel anxiety waiting for that phone call, text, e-mail or next meeting. We wait for the other person to say the things we want to hear or are too afraid to say. I am thinking about dating specifically in this rant but really in all of our relationships we don't say what we mean. Trying to date and put yourself out there is scary! I really have had some strange conversations via the e-mail. One guy says we are getting to know each other but in the last 3 weeks it has been a sentence or two of nonsense but no real information. I guess I scared him off anyway. We would answer each other every couple of days but he is MIA. God, I hate the looking for a normal person to hang with! I was fortunate in the past as far as a DB. We had a wonderful relationship except for the long distance thing.

I have run out of steam for this (continual) rant so I will leave it for now. "I don't want it all" just a person to share time with.

Thinking hurts

I have been thinking about things a lot lately. Trying to understand things in my life I feel are not the way I want them to be to help me move forward. I have looked in some dark places and felt that pain again. I have had some thoughts suddenly pop into my head and said "duh!" All in all the deep thinking is exhausting and painful. I hope I am not just beating myself up but learning by my mistakes and choices. I will get back to that thought train in a later post when I can write in a way that makes sense not Marta speak.

As for dating. Hot dude from work turned out to be a game playing dick. Honestly I would have slept with him cause I wanted to but it never worked out. I'm okay with it except I really wanted sex!

Last weekend I had a stomach bug that kept me down through Monday. I really could not do much but sleep, sit or lay watching TV. A commercial came on for a new free dating site. Yup, I was bored enough I signed up. So far it seems that every strange geek, Grizzly Adams, ZZ Top wanna-be is on this site. I don't see myself on the back of a hog doing road tours with the Hells Angels hanging onto a guy that has more hair than me. That seems to be who they think is my perfect match. I am trying to be open minded but come on! The other frustration I have faced repeatedly is the majority of the dating sites make me choose a sex to date or worse don't let me choose. They just assume that everybody is hetro. The lesbian community tells me to get off the fence too. Most lesbians will walk away if I say I am bi. I ask why do I have to choose a side if I like everything? I am attracted to the person and don't see them as a man or woman.

I was an open book with the world until I got into pharmacy. Most folks in pharmacy are conservative, left brained thinking republicans. I learned early on that while they might not be homophobs they don't understand it and think it is disgusting so I have kept my sexuality quiet. It has been weird to not quite be who I am with people. I went through a lot to learn who I am and to not be true to myself is confusing.

Currently I enjoy my new pharmacy team of gals. They naturally assume I am straight like them. I feel like I have a cover over part of me and it feels strange. I don't see what coming out of the closet would accomplish. It would change they way they see/feel about me. That is a sad train of thought. Why does it have to be this way? I try not to judge people. Does it make people feel superior if they judge and put you down?

I'm going on a bike ride now to clear my head and enjoy the cooler more normal summer Sunday. Prepare yourself for more mental vomit that includes insight on Big Man/Bobby, DB and self portrait discovery. Neat.

"I follow the heart, not the anatomy."
Alice "The L Word"

Christmas tells the truth

I watched the movie Love Actually recently. I had never seen it before even though it is a movie from 2003. It was a very cute movie. In the middle of it I thought I would get very sad since I am not in a relationship or even see the hope of one but was not the case. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I recommend it to all to watch this holiday season. Let me know if you liked it.

One thing from the movie I liked was the theme throughout the movie. Christmas time is the time to tell the truth. I liked the idea a lot and it got me thinking. I always tell you how I'm feeling but I don't always have the time to elaborate on it. I will take the time now in the spirit of the movie.

Things did not really go the way I had planned for them to go this year. I was so optimistic and full of goals at the beginning of the year. I was going to conquer the world Diva style. I did not reach most of the goals I had for myself this year which is disappointing but I am proud of my forward fighting motion. Given the economy I'm really proud that I am still standing! So, I am still not permanently employed but (as usual) working on that. It is a little scary that I wont have the second job to save my bacon but I'm ever optimistic. Not sure how I'm going to pull this out of the new year's still down economy but I gotta keep going, right?

As for the dating. Hang on to your hats cause here comes a big roar of honesty. (I am a Leo) This has been a frustrating journey this year. The people I seem to be attracted to are already in a relationship, don't want to just date but want to be in love NOW or I got matched up on e-Harmony and cant figure out why. Let me just say I really hate e-Harmony. I know hate is a strong word but if the shoe fits. I find it a waste of (my Dad's) money. All of you out there that insisted I go with e-Harm vs Match.com I wont listen to you again on this point. Match may be a dating vs relationship site but I probably would have gone out on more than 2 dates. e-Harm seems to attract the desperate I want to be married now guys. I get the feeling that they don't want to try to get to know you but think once you are matched you just hook up and done. I was "matched" with several but most really did not spark my attention. Honestly I could not see why I was matched with most of them. (a member of a Harley gang that "typically spends his free time" on Harley rides, three wheeling and camping. Oh, he looked like a member of Zz Top) I really want to meet some folks that have a low drama meter and get to know them. It sounds simple enough but it has not worked out that way at all. I miss a lot about dating. The touching, silly text messages, getting dressed up to meet someone, talking for hours about everything and nothing, feeling my heart flutter when I see them coming down the street, the dreamy feeling of a first kiss with someone you are attracted to and so much more. I'm not sure why it has been so hard for me to meet someone but it is disappointing. I would love to get past the first date and feel the excitement of a second date.

So, that was my Christmas honesty. Maybe if I'm lucky the Christmas Fairy will grant my wish. Merry Christmas to all.