Thinking hurts

I have been thinking about things a lot lately. Trying to understand things in my life I feel are not the way I want them to be to help me move forward. I have looked in some dark places and felt that pain again. I have had some thoughts suddenly pop into my head and said "duh!" All in all the deep thinking is exhausting and painful. I hope I am not just beating myself up but learning by my mistakes and choices. I will get back to that thought train in a later post when I can write in a way that makes sense not Marta speak.

As for dating. Hot dude from work turned out to be a game playing dick. Honestly I would have slept with him cause I wanted to but it never worked out. I'm okay with it except I really wanted sex!

Last weekend I had a stomach bug that kept me down through Monday. I really could not do much but sleep, sit or lay watching TV. A commercial came on for a new free dating site. Yup, I was bored enough I signed up. So far it seems that every strange geek, Grizzly Adams, ZZ Top wanna-be is on this site. I don't see myself on the back of a hog doing road tours with the Hells Angels hanging onto a guy that has more hair than me. That seems to be who they think is my perfect match. I am trying to be open minded but come on! The other frustration I have faced repeatedly is the majority of the dating sites make me choose a sex to date or worse don't let me choose. They just assume that everybody is hetro. The lesbian community tells me to get off the fence too. Most lesbians will walk away if I say I am bi. I ask why do I have to choose a side if I like everything? I am attracted to the person and don't see them as a man or woman.

I was an open book with the world until I got into pharmacy. Most folks in pharmacy are conservative, left brained thinking republicans. I learned early on that while they might not be homophobs they don't understand it and think it is disgusting so I have kept my sexuality quiet. It has been weird to not quite be who I am with people. I went through a lot to learn who I am and to not be true to myself is confusing.

Currently I enjoy my new pharmacy team of gals. They naturally assume I am straight like them. I feel like I have a cover over part of me and it feels strange. I don't see what coming out of the closet would accomplish. It would change they way they see/feel about me. That is a sad train of thought. Why does it have to be this way? I try not to judge people. Does it make people feel superior if they judge and put you down?

I'm going on a bike ride now to clear my head and enjoy the cooler more normal summer Sunday. Prepare yourself for more mental vomit that includes insight on Big Man/Bobby, DB and self portrait discovery. Neat.

"I follow the heart, not the anatomy."
Alice "The L Word"

Growing within the Music

Music has always been an important part of my world. Music can take me back to a place, time, person, feelings or all the above. It can be subtle reaction that makes me smile or like a body slam when you hear a song and are back to a painful place. It has always interested me how strongly these elements are intertwined. I wonder if others have this bond. Even more interesting to me is how we (I) deal with this.


A good example is when I hear The Smiths song on the radio (vs Psychedelic Furs cover for the series) and am reminded of Charmed. It fills me with good happy feelings. It's how you feel when you see an old friend. It amazes me how you can go from an ordinary day to smiles and cheer just from the feelings revived by a song. I have been in the car having a bad day when I hear a favorite or forgotten song that can put a smile on my face and a happy memory in my head.


A example of a bad experience is the fall after Big Man It was a beautiful fall day late in the afternoon. I was doing pretty well learning how to be the beautiful independent Me. I had been out to a movie with a friend. I had a fun time and when he started his car the radio was on. It was an all 80's weekend on KNRK and I had enjoyed hearing some of my favorite songs. The next song came on as my friend an I were talking about where to get dinner. I was paralyzed and the pain in my chest - whole body was incredible. I couldn't move, talk or breathe. All I could think was pain. The tears sprang forward and I could not help from sobbing. It was a song that was so closely tied to Big Man and how he said he "felt" for me. The first time I heard it with him we were in his car talking about "us" The song came on and he crumbled into tears. He said that this was how he felt now then he told me he loved me. When I heard that song on that late fall afternoon I felt it all. I wondered how I could be so happy one second but the next in hell, relieving pain.

I recently heard this same song while at open knit. I was talking to Melissa about a project I was working on. I didn't come unwrapped, in fact I commented to her that this song used to upset me greatly. It amazed me how it is just a song now. I guess I've grown more in the last year or two than I realized.

Rising from the ashes

I have traveled a long hard road since 1) leaving my husband and 2) finding myself standing at ground zero after Big Man. I have learned a lot and grown tremendously in that time. I've shared the stories of my parents, Ex - husband and Big Man. Now it's time for my story.

When I left my husband I began a much needed journey in finding myself again. I disappeared into what was expected of me and who others thought I was. When I had my epiphany it's like I woke up from a long sleep. I know my husband didn't like the subtle changes. It set a panic that turned into a major control freakout. I couldn't stop changing once it started and didn't want to. You have to be yourself . If you aren't your whole life is a lie. You will eventually get caught.

I started out in a rental house that he rented for one month. He told the kids it was just for a month while I got my plans together to go to school.(all along he told everybody it was a month to make plans then I would be back) That was a lie! I told him we were getting a divorce. From the beginning he has me as the bad guy. He plays the martyr and innocent victim to all who will listen.

For the first time in my life I was on my own and trying to make a living. I may be forty three but in terms of knowledge of getting on in the world and skills that apply to jobs I'm more at early twenties. I have surprised myself in a lot of ways and made (lots of) mistakes. All in all I'm proud of myself and my willingness to try.

I started to write this last march but got busy. Since then I have had to repeat myself to all the individuals that try to cut my world down. They don't listen to me and don't respect me or my decisions. They expect to have me bend over backwards so they can walk all over me and are completely miffed I wont play.
~ My ex husband is furious that he can no longer control me but more importantly my boys. He does everything he always yelled at me about and more. He claims I am keeping the boys from him. No, you did that all by yourself.
~ My ex, that has a bizarre recollection of our parting and the rules of relationship decorum, thinks I would want a friendship (or more) with him - WTF?
~ The family that left me all alone to find my way in the world now expects me to join back in the fold and suck it up for my kids. They don't know the person I am now and don't make any apologies for believing my ex- husbands lies. They left me alone when I needed them the most.

What I need now is for the unwanted folks to leave me alone and stop projecting your freakout on me. I am too busy trying to take care of life and have already had "that" conversation with you. Buh bye.

Good things come to those who wait but ex's never go away

I am not sure what I just saw but after coffee I'll know more. Be back soon.

So, the ex (Big Man) has been sending (via e-mail) me odd things and including me in mass mailings of things he thinks are funny enough to forward. Mostly I just think to myself WTF? and keep going. He really wants my address and phone number which I wont give to him. I told him I wanted him, given our ending, to respect my personal space and just let me be. I'm afraid he sees this as a challenge so he will spend loads of scheming time to get it then say something like "You should have just given it to me in the first place when I was playing nice . . "

This morning before I was truly awake I got an e-mail from him via LiquidGeneration that is a f'ed up Valentine. It professed of missing me and love until an angry Leprechaun breaks through and says "I want to bite your ass and have sex with you ya prostitute, I love ya." (insert BIG WTF here) That's what I get for doing anything before coffee. Good morning to me.

Big Man and Me ; Part III of the trilogy of badness in Marta's World

We met at Comedy Sportz. His was class after mine but 3 months later. His class was the first class to have level 1.5 available right after level one. The original name was "Stun Gun" and was taught by Kent. It was made available to all in level two. I thought it was a good idea to take it .

He said when I walked into the arena it was love at first sight for him. Later when he found out I was married and had two boys he vowed to be the best friend he could be. I guess it was obvious I was troubled, at least to him.

For Me I was still married but waiting for the summer. I tried to get my husband to work on stuff-our marriage and himself but it was inevitable the outcome. He was checked out of the relationship and family. It wasn't until after I told him I wanted a divorce did he go crazy. That's when he started writing love letters telling me he was head over heels in love with me. I knew things wouldn't change. Actually for me they already had. It was two years too late.

Big Man and I became fast friends - best friends. He seemed to know me as well as I knew myself. He would finish thoughts and sentences for me and I for him. He was the only person I told about my decision. We had many long talks with him playing devil's advocate on my husband's behalf. He had selfish motivation but really did help me a lot. I don't know if I would have made it through all that without his help. I still didn't know of the strength within me. I sure didn't have anybody else to turn to. I never dreamed he would be my only support.

I realized my feelings for him had deepened and changed. I didn't know what to do or who to talk to. I didn't want to lose my best friend by falling in love! I felt a bit awkward around him so I thought if I tell him we can have a good laugh and move on. He looked at me with an intense stare that seemed to look through me and listened. There was a brief silence then he let out a big breath almost as if he had been holding it . He said "Oh thank god! I have been in love with you from the moment you walked into my class" It was my turn to be silent. Not the reaction I was expecting. I had no idea where to go with this. He said lets call it a night and talk tomorrow. I was dumb founded!

I went home with so many thoughts going through my head I couldn't make out a single one. The next day I knew one thing. This wasn't the time to start a new relationship. I tried to stand firm on this for a long time but he just kept after me with all the reasons we should be together. He told me he was in love with me and wanted to (for the first time) get married. He even saw us having kids. What?!? He had never wanted that before. He is a great salesman. He said things I wanted to hear from someone. I was starved for attention I believed it all. What he was saying sounded so good I finally stopped fighting.

I will say this one last time for the record. I, Marta, did NOT have an affair with anyone before leaving my husband! I'm tired of having to say this . Sure I did some things "wrong" and wish I could have a do over but I would have still left "for Me." There wasn't anything good left in that relationship except our boys.

Big Man helped me get my own apartment and the job as Asst. Manager of the complex so I could get a break on my rent. He didn't make much money as the manager but paid for everything I/We needed until I got a job. We settled into a nice life together despite my husband (I was separated from and had asked for a divorce ) and my parents harassing thw both of us.

Unfortunately the manager/asst. mgr. Jobs weren't working out. The property management company had unreal expectations for a two person operation. We worked our behinds off trying to please them but in the end they fired us. They gave us two weeks to move instead of the usual 72 hours. He got us a two bedroom apartment at his old complex that I helped him mve from . We were going to be just roommates but that just didn't seem to happen. I'm guessing that was his plan

We made it through a lot of bad situations. Husband stalking me and calling several times a day to harass me on both my phone as well as Big Man's. My parents un- inviting me at Christmas, husband keeping the kids from me, and everyone telling me constantly that I did it wrong. It just made our bond stronger. We almost lost our apartment more than once. Two people trying to live on a part time salary? We had it tough.

After the divorce finally went through (a year after I left) people asked us when we were getting married. I wasn't in a rush as I just got out of one marriage. . That's when he started to back peddle. He was afraid of the big "M". I didn't see the writing on the wall. I believed the fantasy he had been telling us both for so long. When it was late at night we would cuddle up together and he would tell "our story". Or if we were driving somewhere, while we were making love, painting apartments, on the phone. You get the way it was?

Our story was a beautiful fantasy I still remember at odd times and get a twinge. Not to be with him again but the story was so nice and got me through some hard times. It wasn't aiming for the moon either. Just a story of two people happy to be together and being content with the simple pleasures. Here, he will tell you.

(Big Man telling the story) We will get married in the fall. A small but traditional wedding. I want to see you in a beautiful dress coming down the isle smiling at me. Our family there with us. We will induldge ourselves by having a honeymoon in Germany during Octoberfest. We will stay with my mother's family. I will have that radio job I'm destine to get. That will make me so happy! Just think how good it will be for us when I'm happy with myself!

We will buy a small house that needs fixed up. I will enjoy doing all the work making it just the way we want it. We can work together. It will have a small easy to maintain yard. You can get a dog of your own. I know you miss having a dog that's yours.

You wont have to work if you don't want. I don't want you to. Go back to school, do a hobby like pottery you enjoy. You could probably make money doing something you love like me in radio.

It will be a great life with you in it. Thank you for loving me. I love you BeBe with all I am.

I know reading it now it sounds sappy but he is a good salesman! I needed to be that for someone. I hadn't found Me yet. I was just waking up to who I really am. I didn't have the confidence to BE yet.

Things slowly changed after the divorce. He started to do more things with his life long friend. Never a good thing since said friend has no responsibility. (he is 34 and still lives with his parents) That's when the back peddling started and unknown to me he started cheating on me. There was more than one woman. It lead up to him contacting a woman he was in love with 8 years before. She was married at the time they worked together. He "just couldn't forget her." He started a relationship with her while still living and sleeping with me. I found out by accident a month later. Ironically as he was slowly pulling away I was beginning to see him in the light for the first time. I was starting to think this wasn't what I wanted. If I would have had another month I would have left him on my own.

As it was I found out on a Saturday night we had the boys. Deeg, Renee and her boys were over. Big Man was acting weird. He got a phone call and had to go out to "help his friend" who ran out of gas on a first date. We all looked at each other like "?!?!" Nick borrowed his phone to call a soccer mom about his ride the next morning. Nick had gone into the bathroom to make the call. He pulled me in to help find the number. At first I was intent on finding the name. The third time through I started seeing all these women's names never mentioned before. I saw her name among them. He had mentioned her before. He opened the bathroom door and seeing the phone in my hand and the look on my face knew he was caught.

After we put the boys to bed he told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. (sound familiar) I felt like a nuclear bomb had gone off. I was left at ground zero. The physical pain had me doubled over. I was in shock for the next month. He wanted me to move out (in two weeks) and his friend would move in. I had no idea how I was going to live on my own on my salary. In one conversation I lost EVERYTHING. My love, best friend, family and place to live. Nothing was familiar or comfortable. I felt so alone and ashamed.

Deeg, I could've done it without you!

A year and a half ago I went through and unexpected event that sent me reeling. Deeg ,as most, was just as shocked as me. He was there for me and wouldn't let me fall. We went through it together. We had evenings of long talks, crying and lots of wine to dull the pain. I could not have survived that time without you, Deeg. Your strength helped me find my own so thank you. For the rest of you who may not know what I'm talking about I will enlighten you.

The person that helped me when my family turned their back on me was a friend at that time but became much more. I wasn't looking for a relationship but I was alone, confused and vulnerable. I needed to belong. I know now that it was a bad choice of relationship and it wouldn't have gone as far as it did had my support system been there. I'm not placing blame or removing responsibility from myself. What I am saying is it probably would have not been the "all being" relationship it was. I also think it wouldn't have lasted very long in "normal" circumstances. I believed the fantasy heart and soul. He had all of us, and I do mean all of us, believing the fantasy. When he dropped the bomb that he was in love with someone from his past and breaking up with me his family and our friends were in shock. He had told me from the beginning he had never wanted to marry anyone but he couldn't imagine his life without me. He made his family mine and my boys. We were so good together seeming to balance out the other. We were even voted the cutest couple in comedy by the stand up community.

The reason I bring this up now is I'm surprised at the strength I have found within me. It had to have always been there I just didn't know or believe in it or me. I have learned a lot about myself in the last 3 years but the majority of the growth has been in the last year and a half. I know that at the end of the day it's just me and I'm okay with that. What I mean to say is I like me and enjoy and look forward to "me time". I give the best pep talks and don't let stuff slide by. I'm honest but not harsh on me. I guess you could say I'm my own best friend so I can be a good friend to others.

I don't think I have it all figured out cause I think since we live in an ever changing world you cant. I just think I'm on my way to owning a good set of tools.

"you think you know what's to come - who you are. You have just begun." the first slayer talking to buff through Tara BVS