Deeg, I could've done it without you!

A year and a half ago I went through and unexpected event that sent me reeling. Deeg ,as most, was just as shocked as me. He was there for me and wouldn't let me fall. We went through it together. We had evenings of long talks, crying and lots of wine to dull the pain. I could not have survived that time without you, Deeg. Your strength helped me find my own so thank you. For the rest of you who may not know what I'm talking about I will enlighten you.

The person that helped me when my family turned their back on me was a friend at that time but became much more. I wasn't looking for a relationship but I was alone, confused and vulnerable. I needed to belong. I know now that it was a bad choice of relationship and it wouldn't have gone as far as it did had my support system been there. I'm not placing blame or removing responsibility from myself. What I am saying is it probably would have not been the "all being" relationship it was. I also think it wouldn't have lasted very long in "normal" circumstances. I believed the fantasy heart and soul. He had all of us, and I do mean all of us, believing the fantasy. When he dropped the bomb that he was in love with someone from his past and breaking up with me his family and our friends were in shock. He had told me from the beginning he had never wanted to marry anyone but he couldn't imagine his life without me. He made his family mine and my boys. We were so good together seeming to balance out the other. We were even voted the cutest couple in comedy by the stand up community.

The reason I bring this up now is I'm surprised at the strength I have found within me. It had to have always been there I just didn't know or believe in it or me. I have learned a lot about myself in the last 3 years but the majority of the growth has been in the last year and a half. I know that at the end of the day it's just me and I'm okay with that. What I mean to say is I like me and enjoy and look forward to "me time". I give the best pep talks and don't let stuff slide by. I'm honest but not harsh on me. I guess you could say I'm my own best friend so I can be a good friend to others.

I don't think I have it all figured out cause I think since we live in an ever changing world you cant. I just think I'm on my way to owning a good set of tools.

"you think you know what's to come - who you are. You have just begun." the first slayer talking to buff through Tara BVS