How did I get here?

"I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a Chosen One . . . and her friends. "
Buffy

I have done a lot of thinking lately about life and the choices. Some choices are made for us and some are the ones we decide. Even when "fate" makes a choice we still have choices that come from that choice and we put them together. We should ultimately take accountability for all the choices as it is our life. I will be the first to admit that I have not always made the best choices for the long haul but it was always with the best intentions. I just didn't look to hard to the future.

There are some harsh things that have come to light that I'm not proud of . It turns out that I am a flaky friend not to be counted on. That one hurts as I have always seen myself as the responsible one. It happened so slowly that at first I didn't see it. Later when I did I justified it away but now I see that I have lost the trust and faith and in some cases friendships of those I need, my friends.

The last few years I have packed a lot of living, learning and growing in to make up for a lifetime. With so many choices to be made I have been inundated with decisions that effect me, my boys, friends and ex's and all the time like I feel I'm stuck in fast forward. My support system had changed as I really started my life over, twice. Through the years I have been strong as a whole but I can see as time went on I was tired and the bar was too high so I lowered it in my expectations for myself. I was also selfish in my needs not looking at the big picture and the feelings/needs of others. I am saddened by the knowledge that I let down the very people I needed!

As I make my way through this life I feel a bit like a slayer and as I have had to make choices I cut the wrong corners to survive. In trying to make a better world for those I care for I have cut them out of the mix. Since I picked up the boys that night last summer I have had to make a lot of sacrifices to take care of them. I'm a parent, that's what you do but I didn't see that I was cutting myself off from those who care. I also made a choice when I started dating someone in another city. It really more than splits the focus.

At first it was fun but that fun turned into need and I cut off some ties that got "in the way". I didn't even see myself doing it. I even hurt my relationships and the dynamic of a long form group I was in by canceling on rehearsals to run off to Eugene. How did I go from reliable responsible Me to selfish flaky who? The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

Ironically as I am writing this post a friend I lost contact with found me. My ex would not share information on "our friends" so I have lost some in the divorce. He is a dear friend I met when we were at Stanford for my ex to attend school. He hung with us but I feel he was my friend. We got in trouble at a great gay bar in the city. I'm smiling thinking of the fun/trouble we got into. Hey, you remember Sexy Sam that you realized turned into Scary Sam? Good times.

So, I'm sorry to all that I have let down, hurt and generally miffed by my behavior and choices. I did not mean to hurt anyone by my actions. I didn't mean to shut you out. I hope that you give me a chance to start over with a clean slate and show you I'm a good person. No more flake! I want to broaden my horizon and have a more rounded life again. The boys do come first but I need Me back. I'm too special to let disappear again. That is what happened in my marriage. I need to remember that I cant do it alone. I'm sorry I tried.

This is a starting place to go forward in a positive manner not a sobfest. I want to make amends not wallow in self pity. I cant believe I got here but now that I see where I am I'm going to change. After all this time I am still Standing.