The ex husband and my side of the story

My friends were the parents of my childrens friends in a small catholic community. Over the years my world had gotten smaller and smaller. Its my fault as much as his. He was such a homebody and wanted to "keep me" there too but I didn't see it.

Anytime I had ventured out in the world sans kids and hubby he got nervous. In fact, the hobby classes I did take take would eventually get "too expensive" or would conflict with the rest of the family. He loved me for the person who he saw me as. He didn't want me to grow and change because then "I wouldn't want him." I didn't see the big picture.

In the fall 2000 I started Comedy Sportz level one. From the beginning it was a gasp of fresh air. The exercises, the people (Deeg) and doing door at shows really opened my eyes. As the classes went on He got more insecure. I went out with the folks after class once or twice. He would call me on my cell phone to "see if I was okay" and to remind me I had to get up early to take the kids to school. I guess he had always been controlling but as long as I stayed in the "lines" he was okay. I never gave him anything to be insecure about.

New Years Eve we had our third annual potluck pizza and video game tourney. It was the boys friends and their parents. Just before midnight I looked around at the 12 - 14 families and realized I didn't belong here anymore. I didn't really know the people I called my friends and I didn't know my husband . All of this hit me like a ton of bricks inside. I knew I had to end this relationship with Him. I didn't want to disrupt the boys life anymore than I was going to . I decided to wait until summer to tell all of them. It seemed so long away. I needed to find strength to do what would break all of their hearts.I was not sure how I was going to do it but I had to.

From the time I had my epiphany on News Years I slowly felt a new sense of freedom I hadn't felt in years. It also made me really appreciate the simple things. I really enjoyed activities with the boys. Playing basketball in the driveway before dinner, sitting in the hammock before bed listening to crickets. Things were going to change but I thought they wouldn't be as drastic as they were. I honestly thought we would work together for our kids. Boy was I wrong!

In fact that is a phrase I heard over and over. The other repeated phrases I heard were "she's not the responsible parent" , "you had an affair" and my favorite "Comedy Sportz is a cult that took my wife from me." Well, it is a cult.

I had heard him say many times over the years what a great mom I was. That is until I told him I loved him but was not in love with him anymore. "we are like roommates here. It's not healthy for any of us. " once I was honest with him I was suddenly the worst everything. He told anybody within earshot or with phone service. I realize I had months to prepare and ajust but something in him snapped and hasn't been right since.

Let me go back 5 years from my epiphany. He was unhappy period. He disliked his career path and didn't like himself. I told him to do whatever he needed to do to find the happiness. He quit his job as principal at a catholic grade school and spent the next two years unemployed. He "worked" for a friend trying to start an internet business but it never took off. He spent two years "talking" to a priest to find himself. I found out in the late spring that he really only talked superficial stuff . I couldn't keep enabling him to be miserable. After 17 years of marriage and 21 years together we just didn't belong together anymore.

I told my parents a few hours before him. The reason being they were taking the kids for the evening but I needed them to take them over night. They begged me not to say anything to Him. I told them this wasn't a spontaneous decision. It hurt my mom that I didn't come to her sooner to talk. I realize now that I didn't want to be bullied and told what to do. My parents said I should stay with John until the kids were out of high school. I knew I would "disappear" as Marta if I did that. Why do that to any of us? What role model for relationships is that to my boys? I wasn't happy in the relationship and not as the Marta I was allowed to be. I was the responsible child, good wife and mother but that is all I was seen as. No one wanted to see the rest of me. I was changing and growing as a person but they didn't want me to. Since they all decided I was out of my head and having an affair that was their reasoning to turn their backs and walk away from me.

He said if I couldn't make the house payment I was the one to move out. I didn't have a job since it had always conflicted with the needs of the family. He rented a house in the neighborhood for a month and gave me $200. For two months. That was it. I left July 22 and found a good paying job at Banana Republic late august.

Since then he has tried to do whatever he could to make me miserable. He made visits with the kids few, short and only convenient for him. I guess in my guilt I took it for a long time. I tried to work out equal and joint custody with him. I didn't ask for alimony or child support. He and his well to do brother hired a lawyer and took me to court. I had no money and even a lawyer for low income people wanted $100. An hour and $5000. Retainer. WHAT?

He served me at work. It was 12 noon on December 7th in front of all of Banana Republic - customers and staff. The court date was June 18th. I didn't have a lawyer until mid April. Up until then I had to go down to the court house to the family services room to get help filling out the endless papers his lawyer wanted.

I know he was hurt and a divorce is not what he wanted but the vengeance he unleashed and still does is wrong. Putting our kids in the middle, telling lies about me and making himself the martyr and victim is wrong. My crime? I was and still am honest. Throw me in jail and lose the key then. I wouldn't do it any other way.