Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Going to the Light

Things are a bit quieter around work. A lot of the seasonal people are already gone. I feel fortunate that I am still here. Some folks only got 1 day of work this next week. It shows how much they like me and my work as I am still here and I got 4 days this week. I am very sad to be leaving here soon. This is the type of work environment I have been longing for.

I have really been making an effort to give myself positive affirmations about life and how I am making positive steps. I am "getting paid" to look for a job. *smile*

Monday, January 08, 2007

A New Day a Different Light

Yesterday was a hard day. Actually it was The hard day in the string of nagging days. The fear really creeped into me and upset me to the point that I was tearing up at thoughts. The Kill Bill marathon the night before helped but I am scared. I got off work early yesterday since it wasn't busy. I went home and at first was paralyzed by the helpless feeling. I just wanted to veg in front of the T.V. and zone but I knew I would regret doing that and probably wouldn't sleep well. I started out little by taking care of some small chores I had been avoiding. I got a phone call I couldn't get out of so I continued to putter and got the clutter of my bedroom cleaned up. I still had the tearing and panic but I felt a bit of accomplishment trying to brighten the dark. Nick was spending the day at his girlfriends again (with adult supervision) so I planned a dinner Wil and I would like that Nick doesn't. I had to finish the pots from the night before but it felt good to move and do something that felt positive. Much better than TV spaceout. I knew I was not in a social mood and in fact would start crying if I went out or talked on the phone. I have some funky stuff going on with my body that isn't helping. I decided that after getting some things done that would give me a better feeling I would watch a show and work on my knitting. I have not had the chance to do much knitting. It felt good to have that feeling of accomplishment be it small. The knitting helped some of the feelings to drop away. I enjoyed the silliness of Coupling then went in to work on the computer some and see if there were any new job postings. All in all yesterday I think I applied to 6 or 7 jobs so that was a positive move forward.

After making dinner I remembered the new season of the L-Word was starting. I finished all the the 3 seasons earlier this week so I was excited. It was a good episode with some wild things happening.

Mia Kirchner plays Jenny who is a confused Bi-gal that has trouble in love relationships. I have an issue with how insensitive she is with past lovers but that is another rant for another post. What got my attention during this episode is Jenny has had a tough time (and made bad decisions) in her life. She is a writer and wrote her story that is going to get published as a memoir. She met with the editor who told her she wouldn't publish the story as is because Jenny was still a victim even after overcoming some tragic things. Jenny was surprised to be told that and mildly disagreed. What got my attention is being called a victim after coming out the other side of hard times. Does that make me a victim? I wouldn't want to be perceived that way. I have a tough time sometimes on repeated things but but I don't feel a victim. Does having a hard time finding your way make you a victim? If you are strong enough to get past the tragedy and move forward how is that a victim? Food for thought. It sure made me think.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Stop the world and take a rest

After getting some life-important things done Wil and I had a great Asian based dinner while enjoying a Kill Bill marathon. I needed a movie or series that is inspiring to me these days. Wil used to enjoy Buffy and occiaonally is caught watching Charmed when I have it on but I felt I needed to go to a different source to get myself up. I also didn't want to do this alone so Buffy, L-Word, Dexter, Charmed or FlashDance would not do. (The alone thing is another sticky point with me. Long story for another rant.) Nick was at his girlfriends so Wil and I relied heavily on Trader Joes to help us get our Asian on. I felt that a good choice for a Kill Bill run. It was a much needed evening spent with my oldest partaking in food and movie we like.

There is so much that needs done NOW that I'm fading. By that I mean I emotionally and physically drained but cant stop or slow down. I need a job and a fixed computer NOW. I have been working on the computer for about a month and it is so close but . . . . I have had to neglect my hobbies, friends and stay in my own world. It has been difficult for me to find the beautiful in the world.

The boys are both in different degrees of distress. Nick has had some big problems that have made our lives tough. He is making some bad choices that effect us all and make day to day living hard. Wil is still trying to finish his testing for school but is not done. His dad is cutting off his child support on his 18th birthday (next month). That is really going to make it hard for us to stay where we are. I may not be able to keep the kids. I don't know what else I can do to fix this. I keep trying to get a good job so I can support my boys but it always seems like I'm looking!

I need some peace and some luck on my side. The world is like sandpaper to me right now. If I was not such a stubborn Leo I would not have made it this far. I am hurting but still standing.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

A question to the masses

Can anyone find me somebody to love . . . .

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Rolling with the punch

Things have really slowed down at work. We have shortened days or less of them on our schedule. There is more time between calls so I can attempt to job hunt. I have figured out a way to job hunt at work but it is time consuming and distracting. When the phone rings I have got to answer. I have a copy of the new cover letter in my e-mail drafts so I can copy, paste and change it in an e-mail body. I also saved some e-mails with my resume as an attached file. So far no responses but I hope soon! I cannot be unemployed!

My supervisor wrote me the nicest letter of recommendation. I teared when I read it. She said that I exceed expectations and go above and beyond even Hanna CS requirements. Everybody likes me and enjoys working with me but yet I am always looking for a job. I don't get it.

I finally got Windows/Word up and running on the home computer. With the help of Joseph I got my resume back and started re-writing cover letters. I really appreciate all his help in getting this back together! Thanks You!!!

DJ is coming over tonight to do a few things to help me with before Bill finishes up. He uses an online program to help fix your computer . Hopefully fix the sound card and find some programs that I don't seem to have now and then we should be done! DJ is also coming over for Taco Salad dinner and to watch Dexter. We got him hooked on this show. If you have not seem it you should. Serial Killer that works for the Miami Police Dept. He hunts other Serial Killers that the Police may not catch. It is awesome!

Monday, January 01, 2007

And so it Begins

I know a lot of people make resolutions every New Year (usually the same ones) and by the second month of the year they are done/broken/over. I used to make them every year too. For the last several years I have adopted a set of standards that are in place instead.

~ Enjoy the simple things in life
~ Do the right thing - no matter how hard
~ treat others with the same respect you expect
~ Do not play mind/heart games (no scheming!)
~ Be good to yourself (like/love yourself!)
Be happy

The daily life has been pretty tough this year. I have lost my way a bit (?). My plan is to make a map (to the best of my ability) and find my way back. Much like the adorable toy of the 70's the Weebles I may wobble, go down on one knee but I always come back to standing. I'm not always sure how I got down there or back up but there I am just the same.