Much to do with . . . Me

I have had a lot going on the last couple weeks. Much to do everyday and go to the document prep job. I just hope I don't end up with carpal tunnel from all the staple removing!

Both of the ex's are in my face yet again trying to justify their actions. One thinks I would care he is getting married and the other accuses me of "screening" and keeping the boys from communicating with him. My life would be perfect if I never had to see or communicate with either one of you. Sadly none of us live in a perfect world so I'm stuck with you bugging me.


Eugene Comedy Sportz closed the doors for the last time this weekend. I know a lot of people are very sad at the change. There is new life beyond CSz, Good luck.

It IS all about Me.

Sometimes not thinking about doing "a thing" can be good. Ken seems to think I'm amusing enough to have my own podcast. He sees his part as producer and side kick in a My world. He ordered equipment for us to do this and we start next week! I didn't even have a chance to form an opinion or ask questions before it was a done deal! He already has a site, e-mail and knows how to mix it! I'm just supposed to show up and be me, cool!

Growing within the Music

Music has always been an important part of my world. Music can take me back to a place, time, person, feelings or all the above. It can be subtle reaction that makes me smile or like a body slam when you hear a song and are back to a painful place. It has always interested me how strongly these elements are intertwined. I wonder if others have this bond. Even more interesting to me is how we (I) deal with this.


A good example is when I hear The Smiths song on the radio (vs Psychedelic Furs cover for the series) and am reminded of Charmed. It fills me with good happy feelings. It's how you feel when you see an old friend. It amazes me how you can go from an ordinary day to smiles and cheer just from the feelings revived by a song. I have been in the car having a bad day when I hear a favorite or forgotten song that can put a smile on my face and a happy memory in my head.


A example of a bad experience is the fall after Big Man It was a beautiful fall day late in the afternoon. I was doing pretty well learning how to be the beautiful independent Me. I had been out to a movie with a friend. I had a fun time and when he started his car the radio was on. It was an all 80's weekend on KNRK and I had enjoyed hearing some of my favorite songs. The next song came on as my friend an I were talking about where to get dinner. I was paralyzed and the pain in my chest - whole body was incredible. I couldn't move, talk or breathe. All I could think was pain. The tears sprang forward and I could not help from sobbing. It was a song that was so closely tied to Big Man and how he said he "felt" for me. The first time I heard it with him we were in his car talking about "us" The song came on and he crumbled into tears. He said that this was how he felt now then he told me he loved me. When I heard that song on that late fall afternoon I felt it all. I wondered how I could be so happy one second but the next in hell, relieving pain.

I recently heard this same song while at open knit. I was talking to Melissa about a project I was working on. I didn't come unwrapped, in fact I commented to her that this song used to upset me greatly. It amazed me how it is just a song now. I guess I've grown more in the last year or two than I realized.

BtVS

Buffy Buffy Buffy!

I have been lucky enough to borrow the Buffy seasons on DVD from the library. I have watched season 1, 2, 4, 5, 6 and 7. D.B. and the boys have watched with me along the way. Wil started to watch Buffy when he was in fifth and sixth grade. His friend Danny told him about hot chicks so naturally he watched. The show did become more than that but the was the start. When I started watching Wil thought that was cool. For my birthday he bought me Buffy season three with his own money. To date it is the only season I own.

Here are some things that I liked about each season.
Season 1~ Angel, The Master's sense of humor
Season 2~ The Mayor is so twisted he is awesome.
Season 3~ the relationship of Oz and Willow, Cordellia's character growth
Season 4~ Willow blossoms in college
Season 5~ Glory is an interesting twist and . . . well, hot.
Season 6~Once More, with Feeling - The musical!
Season 7~ Empowerment in the message you cant always do it alone but with a little help from your support. . .

Now it's easy to get lost in the super natural ass-kicking story but there is so much more to this show. What is really interesting to me is layers to this show. It is the relationships, the feminine power message, the morality messages, personal struggle within the bigger picture and it's all rolled up together. While this is a drama it has a wonderful sense of humor rolled into it. The characters remain fast friends throughout the series. They go through the growing pains of teenagers into college and the real world all the time fighting the demons that travel to the hell mouth conveniently located at the high school.

I think the big message to all of us is just because you are going into battle you don't have to wear sweats and trainers. These boots are made for walking . . . ! Don't forget to accessorize!

Three Willows

How did I get here?

"I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a Chosen One . . . and her friends. "
Buffy

I have done a lot of thinking lately about life and the choices. Some choices are made for us and some are the ones we decide. Even when "fate" makes a choice we still have choices that come from that choice and we put them together. We should ultimately take accountability for all the choices as it is our life. I will be the first to admit that I have not always made the best choices for the long haul but it was always with the best intentions. I just didn't look to hard to the future.

There are some harsh things that have come to light that I'm not proud of . It turns out that I am a flaky friend not to be counted on. That one hurts as I have always seen myself as the responsible one. It happened so slowly that at first I didn't see it. Later when I did I justified it away but now I see that I have lost the trust and faith and in some cases friendships of those I need, my friends.

The last few years I have packed a lot of living, learning and growing in to make up for a lifetime. With so many choices to be made I have been inundated with decisions that effect me, my boys, friends and ex's and all the time like I feel I'm stuck in fast forward. My support system had changed as I really started my life over, twice. Through the years I have been strong as a whole but I can see as time went on I was tired and the bar was too high so I lowered it in my expectations for myself. I was also selfish in my needs not looking at the big picture and the feelings/needs of others. I am saddened by the knowledge that I let down the very people I needed!

As I make my way through this life I feel a bit like a slayer and as I have had to make choices I cut the wrong corners to survive. In trying to make a better world for those I care for I have cut them out of the mix. Since I picked up the boys that night last summer I have had to make a lot of sacrifices to take care of them. I'm a parent, that's what you do but I didn't see that I was cutting myself off from those who care. I also made a choice when I started dating someone in another city. It really more than splits the focus.

At first it was fun but that fun turned into need and I cut off some ties that got "in the way". I didn't even see myself doing it. I even hurt my relationships and the dynamic of a long form group I was in by canceling on rehearsals to run off to Eugene. How did I go from reliable responsible Me to selfish flaky who? The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

Ironically as I am writing this post a friend I lost contact with found me. My ex would not share information on "our friends" so I have lost some in the divorce. He is a dear friend I met when we were at Stanford for my ex to attend school. He hung with us but I feel he was my friend. We got in trouble at a great gay bar in the city. I'm smiling thinking of the fun/trouble we got into. Hey, you remember Sexy Sam that you realized turned into Scary Sam? Good times.

So, I'm sorry to all that I have let down, hurt and generally miffed by my behavior and choices. I did not mean to hurt anyone by my actions. I didn't mean to shut you out. I hope that you give me a chance to start over with a clean slate and show you I'm a good person. No more flake! I want to broaden my horizon and have a more rounded life again. The boys do come first but I need Me back. I'm too special to let disappear again. That is what happened in my marriage. I need to remember that I cant do it alone. I'm sorry I tried.

This is a starting place to go forward in a positive manner not a sobfest. I want to make amends not wallow in self pity. I cant believe I got here but now that I see where I am I'm going to change. After all this time I am still Standing.

The Good, the Bad and the still hands

I'm excited and horrified to say that I have pretty much knit through my stash of yarn and unfinished projects. I have very little yarn left and digging to come up with ideas on how to use it. I currently have no money to support my habit but need a fix! I have resorted to mass checkouts of library books on knitting in hopes of new ideas. There are a lot of books on the subject of knitting. Some are very interesting and trendy while others are just so . . . Grandma. I have requested a few books after seeing them at Lint. They have other holds on them but soon . . . There is a book I'm looking forward to called One Skein. A local woman came up with great projects you can make using up The Stash! One project in particular I'm interested in is the felted bowls. I love felting and the bowls would be fun and oh so useful to make.

After looking through several books from the library and the few I own I came up with two ideas! I'm going to un-do a scarf I made in December and re-make that yarn into another scarf from the Stitch 'n Bitch Nation. I'm also going to make the Bee Hive hat from above mentioned book. Neither is challenging but 1) it's knitty and b) it is knitty.

I am feeling better but still not well. Just getting up after sleeping in and puttering in the kitchen long enough to unload and re-load dishwasher, then showering I'm tired! I'm hoping to stroll over to Lint and sit and knit for a bit before naptime. A few of the gals meet there on Saturday. I hate the double whammy of sick and period!

*Slaps forehead*

There is a the cold going around the call center and on Sunday I started feeling it. I laid low and missed QK and a show that some friends were in across the street. One friend was doing his farewell show on his way to Chicago. I was sad to miss it but need to be sensible and not get sick! Monday I took it easy after work and went to bed early thinking I had got this under control. Tuesday I felt it a bit more but forged on. Before lunchtime I was not feeling well. I thought if I made it to lunch I would "rest" and feel better and finish out my day. I couldn't make it through the day and had to ask to go home at 1:30.

I had to miss work Tuesday with a double whammy, bad cold and my period started, yuck. Not sure which symptoms belonged to which ailment but I had a "swimmy" head with a temperature just under 100. I slept a lot and did different things I have learned to do over the years to keep from getting sicker. I knew last night I was not at 100% but had to go earn money.

When I woke up I was amazed to hear on the news that it was snowing! I figured that even though it wasn't snowing where I was the place in Tigard I had to go it would be. I kicked it in gear to give extra time to get to work. I was about two minutes from leaving when I got the call saying they closed the office for the day. It is really bad over that way. The morning news shows trucks are stuck and accidents abound very close to where I would have been going. I could use another day of rest but cant afford to miss! I only have 14 hours worked so far. So, is it the cosmos trying to take care of me and force me to rest and heal? Who knows.

Nick's school is block schedule today but with the two hour late opening we aren't sure when he is supposed to be there. I told him I would drive him since I have several things ready to pick up at the library and we need some basics and the store. I will be sooo ready for a nap by the time I get back. I didn't go back to bed at 6:30 because I though Nick would be up at 7ish. It wasn't until a bit after 7 that I remembered "block day". Good news is I got bills figured out ready to pay and I posted here!