You gotta be yourself

Now that I've had time for to everything to soak in I am accepting things as they are. I cant do much to change the situation but I can do the most to continue to be myself. I will miss my helpful lifesaver, YAZ. It helped me get my emotions under control and do things I needed to do like go to school and get a career. I am nervous about life without hormone help but all birth control has the risk of blood clots so no more! I guess I didn't really think I could get through menopause so easy.

I am looking forward to having this weekend off. I am going to the Flugtag on the water front. We have a team from roller derby participating this year. It will be nice to just hang out with Susu and take in the sights. Later in the evening Wil and I are going to the Comedy Sportz World Championship early show. I haven't been to a CSz show in a long time so I am really looking forward to it. Sunday will be laundry and an afternoon movie with one of Wil's best friends mom. We have turned into movie buddy's thanks to our boys. Wil and Brian went to see "The Dark Knight" without us so we are going together on Sunday without them. I really wanted to go see "Mama Mia" again (we saw that a couple weekends ago) but Mary really wants to see Batman.

Life Comes at Ya

Three weekends ago I went biking. I had not been for a very long time. I should back up some here and get back to this part, so

Several months ago I had painful feet. I didn't know what the problem was but life was not good. Turns out that 9 months of standing on hard cement was not good for my feet. Despite wearing good shoes and getting orthodontics I have Plantar Fasciitis. That is a foot ailment that can hurt like a son-of-a-bitch! You cant actually go through life not walking on your feet. (trust me on this)I had to give up exercising, pretty shoes and being barefoot ever to try to heal. I have to wear some very expensive running shoes that are stabilizing to let my fascia (tissue that becomes inflamed and tears) heal. When I say wear I mean from the first step out of bed in the morning to when I climb back in at night. That is the first step to getting better. At least two months of this and more advice. Anyway, this is how my fun started and I get back to my bike ride.

So, I couldn't take the no exercise thing anymore! Anyone who knows me knows biking is a very important part of my life. I went for an easy no hills 13 mile bike ride. I felt sooo good I went the next day too - same ride. On Monday I woke up with a pain in my left calf. I though I had strained a muscle so I went about my life eating aspirin and icing. After a couple of days I noticed some weird "bruising" that a co-worker thought was veracious veins (hell no!) That's when I payed attention to what was going on. I got freaked when my bruising was traveling up the inside of my leg. I asked my mom and she said to continue icing. Sometimes it was not as painful but hard to walk correctly. (my job includes walking half the hospital every hour for 8 hours delivering meds) After over two weeks of walking like Igor, eating aspirin like candy and icing I actually felt I had my "walk" back! I was still trying to get my re-worked orthododitics back from Doc Bones. I called his office several times during the last week hoping my orthododitics had come in and I could stop by after work. He was gone for the weekend on a family vacation. I talked to his receptionist for a bit and told her about my bruise. She was concerned enough to call another doc she did billing for. After talking to the doc she advised me to get to a doctor today. It was 3:30 on a Friday. After making calls while finishing my short drive home and while home I could not find a doc or urgency care to see me. Thankfully I got health insurance to cover me while I am an on call Pharm Tech. Whew!

The short of my long story is I have a surface blood clot from my calf to my groin. At my groin it turns into a deep vein clot. That is actually the scarier part of Friday's trip to the ER. I was told if I had waited til Monday it's possible I would not be typing this post. Part of that clot can break away and go to my lungs. That is not good. I am on massive doses of blood thinner but as of the visit to the doc today it isn't making a difference yet. I was told to double the dosage of the by mouth medicine and continue giving myself a daily shot in the belly. (yuck!!!) I go back Wednesday before work to see if it has made a difference. The worse news is I can no longer take my sanity-keeping perimenopause away drug. I am feaarful of the weeping woman that cant cope with anything coming back. One step at a time. More later.

Chant for Happiness

I am very glad given todays economy that I have a stable career. Drugs to make you well or feel better are even more necessary in trying times. Job security, baby. Actually it came at a perfect time! If I was still in retail I would not get enough hours to live and the pay would be killing me. I probably would have to move in with my parents or end up homeless. I'm understanding that things happen for a reason and you cant always see it. I do feel that I am using up my 9 lives of luck. (I'm a Leo)

I feel some impatience growing in me. Now that I have tackled school and found my first job. I want all the things I have been working towards for so long - now! I'm trying to get my "ducks in a row" to be able to purchace a home, I miss having a dog, and I am ready to try dating again. Let me tackle these subjects one at a time. It is premature to think I am anywhere near ready to start looking for a house but I yearn for the permanence of ownership. I am working with some wonderful gals that want to help women to become home owners. To do this on my own would be very empowering. I have done so many things on my own to now but that would be the icing on the cake. I'm still getting my credit cleaned up and save some money. That will unfortunately take some time. Now that I have goals for my future I want it all!

As for a dog, I can probably have one in my apartment building now but the space is small. That is not fair to ant animal. Wil would be in charge more than me and he does not really want one. I need to respect that. He pointed out that it would change our rent and our lease in some way. We just went through a 4 month long recertification nightmare that has to be done yearly in our building. It has never taken that long or used several trees in the process. Everyone in the building agrees it is ridiculous to go through all this paperwork when after the first year it does not matter what you earn. This is our third year here and the first time we have been sooo harrassed about our lives! Both of us agree that we are not ready for that to happen again anytime soon!

Dating has not worked out so well for me. That is an understatement. I pick the wrong person for the wrong reason, give my whole heart and put too much into the relationship. I don't play games. I just want to meet an honest person to spend time with that isn't crazy. I would not think that would be a tall order but it is. I don't even know where I could meet this person as I don't go to bars or really anywhere besides work. I'm not a hermit but I don't do much outside of work like I used to. Perimenopause takes a lot of the wind out of my sails. I now understand why men leave their 40 something wives for a younger less hysterical version. It's not right but since it has been a in the closet taboo subject most people dont know or understand how difficult it can be for some women. The symptoms of menopause invades your body, personality and changes how you do everything. I'm one of the lucky ones, so far. I found a woman doc that specializes in teaching women how to get through menopause as easy as possible. I have my share of painful symptoms but I will make it.

I need to relax and continue to enjoy the simple things everyday. I should not expect to get it all just because I did one thing so far. I have been through a lot of changes this last year and need to just "be". Good things come to those who wait.

Independence is worth it all

On a holiday like this it makes one ponder more than B-B-Q and fireworks. As this Fourth of July approached I have thought a lot about where I am and choices I made in my life. The 2000's have been a long slow life independence for Me. Sure I left my old life quick trying to make it easier for my ex so we could work together better for our sons. That didn't work out so well. It took me awhile to grow up and be proactive in choices in my life vs. just surviving. I am proud of all I have accomplished this year especially. I have a lot more to work on but I have long term goals. I am enjoying the Year of Marta.

I am still amazed at my new status in life. The PTCB sent a 4th of July e-card to all the Tech's that passed the National test! Ikea never did anything like that. Pretty cool.