From beneath you it devours

I have tried to live as positive existence as I can muster. I don't see what wailing and moaning gets you. At my worst I still made myself try - not give into the big bad black. What I mean by that is I kept doing things with my friends even when I didn't want to or clean my apartment when I didn't have the energy. I didn't go to all this trouble of starting over just to give up to the dark side.

Sometimes with all that is going on in my world I stumble and maybe go down on one knee but I always will myself back up. I have been having a tough time. I don't seem to have much in the way of control in my world. The hardest part is everything seems temporary which makes me goofy. I need some stability in my world but I seem to keep building on the same crumbling terrain. I need some calm time to take some deep breaths and rest from the constant workout I seem to live. This is fact not whining. I just need to make the right choices and changes to get pointed in that direction. The problem is I'm trying to read a map but I seem to be doing it in the dark.

It was nice to get some good news yesterday. I can get full health insurance through my temporary employment agency. Now, I cant afford a payment but I qualify through a state program. I need to fill out the paperwork this weekend and I will be able to use it right away. I have not had insurance since July of '04.

I got my weekly pay check and it had 39 whole hours! I was able to come home and pay some bills. A bit of permanence in my temporary world. It felt really good. I will continue doing what I need to do for now but keep striving for a comfortable permanence.

Where the party begins

I am proud to say I have survived another week at my temporary job! Lots of work related and observing from the work place I would like to share. I apologize up front if this is scattered. The boys are arguing and I can hear it even with headphones on! It does make me angry especially since I don't push to use MY computer for the most part. Okay, rant over - I'm back.

Since being moved to my new location (one row/section over) by the sunny window I am very quiet. I'm very serious about doing this job right and well. I want to make the folks running the place happy with me so I continue to earn money. It worries one of the leads who was used to seeing me a more chipper, silly Marta. There are several reasons for this but the biggest is probably that I don't want to be at this job but dutifully do it taking it one day at a time. I'm quiet in my new location because I don't like the people I'm sitting by now. They never seem to work and talk in a group, loudly. Others are constantly coming over to join the talk about non-work related stuff. I cant even hear myself when I am talking to a lead or leaving a message. The reason I got this spot is the permanent (verse temp. hire) gal and the gal that now sits next to me didn't get along. Go figure, if I know all that going into a situation like this one tends to be quiet, right?

It's interesting to me that no matter how I wear my hair people love to play with it, but especially if I am wearing it in one or two tails/braids. It is usually the team leads including the guy (in his 20's) that runs the place. As they are walking by to help/check on another. Kavorka? I guess I should just say Marta.

There are all ages in this call center but the mentality seems to be similar to Tony in Saturday Night Fever. Get paid on Friday broke again by Sunday, party and screw around and not plan beyond that. So, one of the 20 something guys has a job at a bar and invited "Ladies Only" to come to sing Karaoke and make fun of him on the job. Since that happened last weekend he has been playing a couple of gals in a very small work environment. He also makes calls to one or two gals on the very public lunchroom phone to yet more gals - Usually one after the other. It is interesting yet annoying to watch him dance around and not get busted. I don't think the two at work know of the other. You can see how they are trying to get an intimate hug or kiss but he stands his ground. Believe me, we will all know when they find out how he is playing. One is loud girl I had to sit by when I got moved to the other room for the two days awhile back.

Fridays we have team meetings. The last two have been so fun. Now that the client expects things to get done and people to work it has been a real shake up. The folks that have worked there for awhile cant get it in their heads that things change. Yes, they want us to do work and follow their new guidelines or leave. The people that have enjoyed an easy slack job cant grasp this new logic. The meetings turn into a whinny bitchfest. Bottom line is they are paying us TO WORK.

I felt special today. I got to do a special task instead of just working through a call list. It is a sign that they like me and my work. Ramona (team lead that worried I was so quiet) came over to check in with me and chat. (quietly and work related) She strongly hinted that I would probably be asked to be permanent soon. I don't want this job! I cant tell them I am just trying to take care of me and mine. I know, one day at a time. I'm still standing.

If this seems negitive to you it's not meant that way. Just the observations and people watching of one gal trying to live. I am so happy it's the weekend but I will go back Monday and have a positive attitude and work ethic each and every day I am there.

BTW: the boys went away with one of their friends so I got to write this post, pay some bills and enjoy watching Charmed at the same time! Happy F'ing Friday to all the weekend warriors - we rule! Woo!

feeling free

So glad it is the weekend! I dont work this Monday so it is even sweeter. D.B. came up to spend time with us. It's nice to have someone to just hang and relax in our world.


Today was lazy. He helped me finish Buffy season six. I cried when Buffy jumped into the portal. He didn't make fun of me or patronize me. He just knew to be.

What's that?

I have been told that life in America and other places are not the same with out me updating my blog. Thank you for missing me. I want to say a few random positive things then I will be on my way. Tens waiting to use the computer and Buffy wants me to knit.

Wil turns 17 tomorrow. Hard to believe I have a son that old. He is a great kid. I wish I could do so much more for him.

I got moved (desk wise) at work, again. The good thing about it is I am in front of a window and my desk mostly faces it. I have a nice view. It almost makes up for the rest.

My nails are still all long. I wish I could get another French manicure. The white tips just look so cool and feel so girly.

Did I say that out loud?"

This is the ink stamp I wish I had. I may need this in the coming weeks dealing with many different folks.

"Down in a Hole."

The summer when I was first on my own I heard Alice in Chains. The album was Nothing Safe. I had found it at the library and checked it out not knowing anything about the group. I really liked it a lot! I renewed it a couple of times until there was a hold on it. I ended up buying it with a gift certificate I got for my birthday later that summer. As things got more and more difficult with my (then) husband and family I felt I was in a battle, for me and my independence. Sometimes I felt that they were coming at me from all sides at once. At times I felt I needed to go into my foxhole, bind my wounds and rest up for the next battle. There was a song that I felt was mine on that album, "Down in a Hole." I was in the process of finding out who I really was and who I wanted to be. I had people that wouldn't let me be myself or leave me alone.

Today as I dropped Nick off for his community service I felt bad but cant fix things for him. It seemed ironic with all that is going on especially this week (so much frustration from many different places) that as I drove away the song that came on was mine.

Almost Friday!

Things have been going fast this week including any free time! I did enjoy some silly, fun moments I will share. I have a limited time before the boys rattle the dinner plates and demand food!

On Monday I finally got my library account to work and I made up for lost time! I looked up and placed holds on seasons of Charmed, Buffy and Sex and the City! I also was delighted to find DVD's of a detective show I used to watch on BBC called Cracker. It starred the Robbie Coltrain who plays Hagrid in the Harry Potter movies. I am sooo pleased I'm busting out of my V.S. IPEX bra! It was excited this morning to see an e-mail from the library saying I had a Sex in the City season to pick up. When I got there after work there was also season 4 of Buffy! I hope to have a knitty and DVD weekend.

This Sunday is Super bowl Sunday. We will be attending a party at a friends house. It will be fun and if you don't want to watch the game there are rooms without TV's. Nick is looking forward to going as he has always wanted to but his dad wouldn't let him. Yes, I will take my knitty as I am going for the peeps not the game. I don't have a team at the Super bowl this year. Now that they have all the sports channels I don't see much football. I miss Sunday's with football on in the background cooking and puttering.

If you would like to here some hot under age sisters sing check out Eisley and the album is "Room Noises". D.B. and I went to see them last spring after winning free tickets. I forget the name of the venue but it is in the Produce section close to the bar Produce Row in S.E. Portland. They are some talented babes. No, I don't feel dirty because in my mind they are all over 18. Oh, they do have a music video that is in the Comcast On Demand menu.

I'm doing it! (the best I can)

The day of training was better than last time but still fairly lame in comparison to other jobs. I did luck out getting a fellow employee that actually knows (for the most part) what he is doing. I really went over anything I was unclear on so I could (hopefully) do this job right.

The place is still run the same. They change their minds constantly and rules change almost by the hour (or sooner). I feel slightly distanced (and safe?) since I am a temp. It scares me to think they might offer me this job. It is not where I want to be!!!!!!!!

I did go to open knit last night and glad I did. I was late but felt so welcome when I got there. I sat with the usual gals and the banter was witty. There was a new gal kinda sitting near us but alone so I started including her in the banter. Soon Sarah was holding her own and when one gal left and a chair (vs. the stair she and I were sitting on) was free she took it after a bit of encouragement. She has a knitting class until 1pm at Lint then she is going to join us to sit and knit. I hope she does - I really like her already.

Presenting Vintage Sweter!