The new plan for a new Me

So I said I would explain the get-the-Diva-back-on-track plan. In a nut shell I gave myself a mental Cher movie slap and snapped out of it! I have gone back to writing in a journal using it as an honest, safe positive place to be my own cheer leader, work out the obstacles and see my progress when I feel like I am not making any. I have to be completely honest in my thoughts to myself so I can generate the positive! I let a toxic work environment, working way too much, too many bills due to another adult in the house, perimenopause and a wet spring get me down. I stopped trying to be my creative self and felt bad for myself, about myself and the state of things. There will be no more of that!

I have had some great bike rides of late that have let my mind wonder but come up with some interesting thoughts. I usually have my iPod in one ear and the sounds of the city in the other. The overlay of the two along with the ride itself takes my mind to a place of great insight. I think the other thing bugging me is my upcoming big f'ing birthday. The milestone in age is not what is bugging me but rather the plans/goals  I set for myself to achieve before that birthday. I was going to be settled in a permanent job in my current career, a home owner, taking art/craft classes with money in the bank and hopefully someone to share it with. It has been 10 years since my divorce and and 8 since I survived the life altering deception of my ex-fiancee. I came out of both of those relationships a better, stronger, positive determined woman. I guess I stalled out and got mired in the everyday. I have to build toward the future or I will never be able to retire! Right now I got nothing. I am the one taking care of me so I better get to it!

Plan
No procrastination allowed
Save money
Find a permanent job to bridge over
Get busy with real estate!
Get social
Make the Me time I need
BIKE!

I need to listen to the inner Me and be kind, creative and proactive. No more coach potato unless it's at the end of a long productive day!

The Future is my friend and the plans that I wear

Last night I kept with my new plan for life. I got off work at 7:30 and bee  lined for home. I was out the apartment door and on my bike by 8:25 which
is pretty fast given all I had to do to get there! I fed Abby and took her on a spin around the block since she had been in the kennel crate for a few hours. The "kids" went to game night. I used the walk around the block as my warm up before stretching for my ride. I stretch on the ground so Abby takes this opportunity to grab her rope toy and engage in a game of tug and
fetch. This usually works out well but she has a tendency to get too engaged. Let's just say my legs have suffered the wrath of Abby's dancing feet. If I ever end up injured at an ER they are going to think I am an abuse victim. (Wil would pop in and say Elder Abuse)


My ride was AWESOME! I rode with such focused ferociousness I was startled when I realized it. I rode my bike in a way I had not before. I used my whole body to manipulate my bike much like the whole body for skating or like a BMX rider would. An example would be wanting to shift past some people in a close setting before oncoming traffic (on the Esplanade) I moved (like skating) with my shoulders first then my arms down to my hands followed down to the bike. I also used my inner thighs on the bike seat to shift as a whole unit. BBB and I were like one! Once I was not as focused and realized the way and speed in which I
was attacking my route I was enjoying it immensely! It was not an outer body experience but more like an amusement park ride a la Diva! To say the ride was just what I needed after a few hard days at work but it was more than that. It was one of the best rides I have had in awhile. Kinda reminded me of the energy and ferocity I would make love. Fair to say with all the
hormone surges I have some pent up sexual tension. It was probably good that it was BBB and not a person. I might have broken them.This all happened on the Saturday night of Pride Weekend. I was not able to get my Pride on as it was my weekend to work. I kinda forgot in my hustling around. I noticed a higher than usual number of people on bikes in dressed upor in costumes but did not think much of it. Come on, Downtown Portland in the Summer on a Saturday night?! It wasn't until I was back to OMSI that I put two and two together. I was busy with the cool riding experience. By the time I got to the Hawthorne bridge did I encounter a lot of people riding opposite me - clothing optional. Why is italways the creepy dude that has to start early? Sadly that image has stayed with me.

Don't give in to things that will break you

I have really thought a lot about this in the last year.  I am not in the right profession! Most of the folks I work with are conformed to the main stream way of thinking, acting and looking. They have no creative ways and buy beige couches for their over priced beige houses! Republican homophobs that can't imagine stepping "out of the box". They care what the" Jones" think and what they are doing - very nosy!  I guess they think too much with one side of their brain and are afraid of sticking out or being unique. Reminds me of high school in that you want to fit in and be cool.  I need to be comfortable in my work environment and the people around me. That is not the case in 2 put of 3 places I have worked.Of course I am referring to the majority but it wears on me. Just mentioning a TV show I liked in passing brought on a majority lecture (four people ganging up on me and telling me not to watch the show.) about why I should not watch it and how ridiculous the story was. The show is "True Blood".  Last time I checked this was a free speech
country. My TV my enjoyment, right? I don't like being censored about something I choose to do especially by persons that have no authority over my person.

I think the one of my bigger problems at the moment is the lack of
professional respect at my current workplace that has me so peeved. It
reminds me of Junior High all over again. The phrase "you don't have to
like me to treat me with respect" does not apply. It is almost like I am living one of those bad reality shows from TV! The other phrase I hear all to often is "that is not part of my job". As far as I am lead to believe is we are "all" on the same team so it is part of your job!
 

Now that I am done with that rant I can move on to the rest of what is bugging me because of my job. I have let the toxic bad vibe of this work place get to me. Well, between that and perimeno I think I just let go of my goodness and personal respect and "turned to the dark side".  What I mean by that is my up beat attitude seems to have left me. I have not been able to bike as much mostly because of the weather and family stuff. Worse I have not gone as often as I could of but chose instead to be a couch potato. I have let myself down by not exercising and eating poorly. This is not the behavior of a Diva! I have actually given myself a lot of grief over my "letting go". Abby goes along with whatever but I am sure she would like more outdoor/play time. I have had a lot of changes since Kel and and Abby moved in a week apart from each other in February. My time is not my own and I have had to make comprises with another person moving into our small apartment.  I made a firm, stick-to-it decision for myself last Monday. There will be no more of this behavior and attitude! BBB will be used more often and eating a much better diet! You will hear more and the plan but I wanted to post so it isn't just me knowing I have master plan.