looks good!

I saw the doc today to get results from biopsies and for her to check on her handy work. she said it all looks good. healing nicely and negative on the biopsies!!!!! I gotta tell you I got so scared this morning I threw up. I felt good but as I well know a simple twist of fate....

Thank you Karen and Ken for the non stop laughter last night. Who knew bag balm, farm equipment and a"nail salon" could be so funny. Sorry if it was too much for you Luke but I so needed that! CSz heals.

More later but I gotta pick up the darlings from their different schools! kisses ;)

Wise "blind line"

This morning as I was waking up I remembered what day it is. I don't want it to be a bigger deal than it is so I was trying to find something in my head to bring it back down. A favorite line I wrote down in my quotes section of my journal came to mind. It was the game of blind line in a Portland Comedy Sportz show. The line was "Big things come in small packages". Now I'm not really sure why that struck me as so funny at the time but it has grown on me since then. It has been used for many comparisons both good and not. I gotta say in this case it's true.

I think the biggest impact has been where my thoughts go momentarily. It is cancer. It doesn't judge you to decide if you deserve it. Then why did I feel I was any less attractive or desired because of it? it made no sense in the time it took to form as a thought! I'm no more or less "anything" because I have cancer. I am Marta.

Things are what you perceive them to be. I wont let any of my current situation hold me back from being the best "Me" I can be. I refuse to be any other way. Right now I'm Still Standing but with a determined stance, my hands on my hips daring you to try to move me.

p.s. the doctor feels confident that she got everything and the new biopsies look clean. I go back in two weeks to get the results and check how I'm healing. Since I'm not changing the name of this blog I'll go back to the usual brain leak tomorrow.

It IS a wonderful life

I'm happy with the path I have chosen. I like myself and the person I'm evolving into. I have two great boys that care about and try to protect me. I have great friends that I can turn to in a pinch. I get a lot of pleasure from my time at CSz. I have tried many new things and found new interests. It's been good to get to know the un-edited me.

I guess you could say I have had a string of hard luck this year. I've tried to keep a positive "the glass half full" mentality going. I keep going forward and tackle the problems head on. Honestly I don't see how it helps to bitch and moan when things go wrong and I'm too stubborn to just lie down and give up anyway. I'm surly being tested for some reason that I don't quite understand. Well my friends, I'm in a pinch now and could use your positive energy and help.

Three of the things you've already read about me in this blog are 1) my ankle is still a concern. I didn't get to finish my last round of P.T. or do my follow up to the ortho doc. 2) my lack of job and funds are making me temporarily homeless. I truly hope to change this ASAP. I have a place to store my furniture but I'm not sure where I'll be once I leave my apartment but I'm not freaking out about it. 3) no health insurance.

here's what you don't know . I have been diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. It's in the early stages and they don't think it's spread. I have a laser surgery at the end of the month to remove the cancer they see and take more biopsies. It was out of the blue and still seems unreal to me. I have a great doc who is being aggressive to ensure a long run for yours truly.

I don't want your sympathy but I DO need help to get through this. I have no more ideas to get me back on my feet. I'm already in debt from my ankle injury and don't know what to do about the staggering medical bills! I need a job, a place to live both temporary and permanent. Any ideas on anything would be great. I don't have major job skills since I was an at home mom and never finished college.

I'm a bit overwhelmed by all that is happening at once but I assure you I'm taking it pretty well. I could use more laughter so any cheesy jokes you have bring them on!

Let me end this post with this. "The Explosion" is a band I saw on my Birthday. They were the warm up band for "Burning Brides". I really enjoyed their 70's punk style. I really identify with one of their songs on the CD I bought. It's called "Here I Am". The refrain is:

well here I am here I am
I'm back at the crossroads again
oh let me stand let me stand let me stand
on top of the mountain again

I know I'll be back I just have to get through this . I'm a bit dazed but I'm still standing. It is a good life and I feel lucky to have the "things" I have. Thanks for your support.

Can I have 2 minutes to bitch?

It's unusual for me I know but ENOUGH! The "6 weeks" of allergy hives has turned into 3 1/2 - 4 months! I get that something is bugging the system but what is the point of mild to painful itching day and night? Okay I'm done.

The boys have been great helping me with moving. It's certainly not what they expected when they came for their two weeks with me. I've tried to have some "normal" time everyday for them. Today we need to pack and move more stuff then Saturday we have a break.

I've decided to give myself til the 5th to be out. My manager said he would talk to the office and worst case I will have to pay rent those 5 days. It's about $18. a day. It will give me a bit more time to figure where I will be. It's very hard on the boys not knowing where I will be. Strangely I'm okay with it as long as I get my stuff somewhere. I've lost too much the last two moves.

So, here's what I need from any willing folks. I'm renting a truck on Saturday Sept. 4th to move the few big pieces furniture that wont fit in my car. If someone has a van or truck that would be awesome. I really need help on this. Call or Gmail me so I know I have help.

Tomorrow I take the boys school clothes shopping. Their dad asked if I would do the deed he would pay for it. I'm such a bargain shopper. We will do that on our way to Eugene. I'm in the show Saturday at CSz. After the show we are going to play laser tag on the U of O campus. Aaron has several sets of guns/targets. It is great fun to run around in the dark "hunting" each other!

Gotta get stuff going around here. Thanks in advance! Be happy and enjoy the simple things! Kisses!