Crash into reality

Things have been sailing right along with my new plan! Yesterday (on my day off) I was tired! I had plans to borrow my mom's vacuum and clean the apartment then get creative! Hadley was not able to have me to the studio which is fine. Gives me something to look forward to later.What ended up happening is me as a couch potato after I have vacuumed and dusted the whole place. Kel mopped the kitchen floor while I was still doing the v & d then I mopped the bath and front entry. Yeah, I worked hard doing all that cleaning but by 3pm I was toast? Then the cravings hit - and hard! I wanted chocolate, salty stuff, wine, ice cold beer, ice cream,  cinnamon rolls, hot tamales (the cinnamon candy) NOW! I really felt my skin crawl with the cravings! I did not cave but it was a tough evening. Must be how a user feels without a fix!

 

Since I was a couch potato I did not bike but the vacuuming and dusting was a non-stop aerobic sport. I was bummed I had no energy or motivation to work on my projects. I did eventually take Abby for a brisk walk before "we" put on pj's and sat for the rest of the night. Unfortunately I ended up sick the next day! I thought it was a migraine but it turned out to be a bug but I did not know that until two days later.  My period started on the morning of day three. That was it for me. I had to call in and lay on the couch with Abby. 

Creative nerd alert!

here is in-box, card and paper

Well, I am excited to tell you that the local artist I heart and sparked my first Mod Podge project has invited me to her studio! I found a card she made at Crafty Wonderland (Downtown at the Street Car stop just across from the Library) a week or more ago. I loved all her work on display but got a card that I love just to have. After I had the card I picked up and interesting shaped but ugly "in box" at the "Swap Shop" at work. I think I have mentioned this little rack before. You can leave or take anything left at the "SS" for work OR home. That is when it started clicking in my creative! I wanted to use the card and maybe a second along with some interesting handmade paper to cover the ugly in box for my desk at home! Last week (Wed June 20th) when I went to Ace, Blick, Powells and Paper Source that was what I was up to! I found her online store and blog on the internet. I want to buy in all but we all know that can't happen. I was looking for another card to complement the one I have and the paper I bought. I messaged her and asked if this one and that would go together and I love this and how much is that sale one. . . .. I told Hadley what I was doing and strictly for home use - not resale. So I got an email asking if I wanted to come to her studio. I hope it works to go tomorrow on my only day off this week. She has not replied back yet. I am very excited to meet her and see all of her pieces!

I have taken extra days and extra hours to days I have shifts for the next week or more. I have a three day weekend right after 4th of July. The Gem Faire and Bead show is Friday the 6th. The 7th and 8th are my weekend off so I get a mini vacation! I am planning to go over to my parents on Saturday and maybe Sunday to work on projects. There is a community room at the apartment where I could spread out to work but I would have to guard my projects! Much easier to work at my parents in the back yard and take Abby.  

It has been two weeks to the day since my inner Diva gave me the mental Cher movie slap. It was a good thing and about bloody time! I have been feeling the positive and working the positive! I am eating right and not feeling the cravings. I cut out sugar, chocolate, wine and fatty/ salty foods. I eat sensibly but not on a diet. Just back to the usual Diva. I am feeling so good about things! I bike at least every other day and take Abby to dog park or long walk the other. I am pleased with myself and how well it is working out!

The new plan for a new Me

So I said I would explain the get-the-Diva-back-on-track plan. In a nut shell I gave myself a mental Cher movie slap and snapped out of it! I have gone back to writing in a journal using it as an honest, safe positive place to be my own cheer leader, work out the obstacles and see my progress when I feel like I am not making any. I have to be completely honest in my thoughts to myself so I can generate the positive! I let a toxic work environment, working way too much, too many bills due to another adult in the house, perimenopause and a wet spring get me down. I stopped trying to be my creative self and felt bad for myself, about myself and the state of things. There will be no more of that!

I have had some great bike rides of late that have let my mind wonder but come up with some interesting thoughts. I usually have my iPod in one ear and the sounds of the city in the other. The overlay of the two along with the ride itself takes my mind to a place of great insight. I think the other thing bugging me is my upcoming big f'ing birthday. The milestone in age is not what is bugging me but rather the plans/goals  I set for myself to achieve before that birthday. I was going to be settled in a permanent job in my current career, a home owner, taking art/craft classes with money in the bank and hopefully someone to share it with. It has been 10 years since my divorce and and 8 since I survived the life altering deception of my ex-fiancee. I came out of both of those relationships a better, stronger, positive determined woman. I guess I stalled out and got mired in the everyday. I have to build toward the future or I will never be able to retire! Right now I got nothing. I am the one taking care of me so I better get to it!

Plan
No procrastination allowed
Save money
Find a permanent job to bridge over
Get busy with real estate!
Get social
Make the Me time I need
BIKE!

I need to listen to the inner Me and be kind, creative and proactive. No more coach potato unless it's at the end of a long productive day!

The Future is my friend and the plans that I wear

Last night I kept with my new plan for life. I got off work at 7:30 and bee  lined for home. I was out the apartment door and on my bike by 8:25 which
is pretty fast given all I had to do to get there! I fed Abby and took her on a spin around the block since she had been in the kennel crate for a few hours. The "kids" went to game night. I used the walk around the block as my warm up before stretching for my ride. I stretch on the ground so Abby takes this opportunity to grab her rope toy and engage in a game of tug and
fetch. This usually works out well but she has a tendency to get too engaged. Let's just say my legs have suffered the wrath of Abby's dancing feet. If I ever end up injured at an ER they are going to think I am an abuse victim. (Wil would pop in and say Elder Abuse)


My ride was AWESOME! I rode with such focused ferociousness I was startled when I realized it. I rode my bike in a way I had not before. I used my whole body to manipulate my bike much like the whole body for skating or like a BMX rider would. An example would be wanting to shift past some people in a close setting before oncoming traffic (on the Esplanade) I moved (like skating) with my shoulders first then my arms down to my hands followed down to the bike. I also used my inner thighs on the bike seat to shift as a whole unit. BBB and I were like one! Once I was not as focused and realized the way and speed in which I
was attacking my route I was enjoying it immensely! It was not an outer body experience but more like an amusement park ride a la Diva! To say the ride was just what I needed after a few hard days at work but it was more than that. It was one of the best rides I have had in awhile. Kinda reminded me of the energy and ferocity I would make love. Fair to say with all the
hormone surges I have some pent up sexual tension. It was probably good that it was BBB and not a person. I might have broken them.This all happened on the Saturday night of Pride Weekend. I was not able to get my Pride on as it was my weekend to work. I kinda forgot in my hustling around. I noticed a higher than usual number of people on bikes in dressed upor in costumes but did not think much of it. Come on, Downtown Portland in the Summer on a Saturday night?! It wasn't until I was back to OMSI that I put two and two together. I was busy with the cool riding experience. By the time I got to the Hawthorne bridge did I encounter a lot of people riding opposite me - clothing optional. Why is italways the creepy dude that has to start early? Sadly that image has stayed with me.

Don't give in to things that will break you

I have really thought a lot about this in the last year.  I am not in the right profession! Most of the folks I work with are conformed to the main stream way of thinking, acting and looking. They have no creative ways and buy beige couches for their over priced beige houses! Republican homophobs that can't imagine stepping "out of the box". They care what the" Jones" think and what they are doing - very nosy!  I guess they think too much with one side of their brain and are afraid of sticking out or being unique. Reminds me of high school in that you want to fit in and be cool.  I need to be comfortable in my work environment and the people around me. That is not the case in 2 put of 3 places I have worked.Of course I am referring to the majority but it wears on me. Just mentioning a TV show I liked in passing brought on a majority lecture (four people ganging up on me and telling me not to watch the show.) about why I should not watch it and how ridiculous the story was. The show is "True Blood".  Last time I checked this was a free speech
country. My TV my enjoyment, right? I don't like being censored about something I choose to do especially by persons that have no authority over my person.

I think the one of my bigger problems at the moment is the lack of
professional respect at my current workplace that has me so peeved. It
reminds me of Junior High all over again. The phrase "you don't have to
like me to treat me with respect" does not apply. It is almost like I am living one of those bad reality shows from TV! The other phrase I hear all to often is "that is not part of my job". As far as I am lead to believe is we are "all" on the same team so it is part of your job!
 

Now that I am done with that rant I can move on to the rest of what is bugging me because of my job. I have let the toxic bad vibe of this work place get to me. Well, between that and perimeno I think I just let go of my goodness and personal respect and "turned to the dark side".  What I mean by that is my up beat attitude seems to have left me. I have not been able to bike as much mostly because of the weather and family stuff. Worse I have not gone as often as I could of but chose instead to be a couch potato. I have let myself down by not exercising and eating poorly. This is not the behavior of a Diva! I have actually given myself a lot of grief over my "letting go". Abby goes along with whatever but I am sure she would like more outdoor/play time. I have had a lot of changes since Kel and and Abby moved in a week apart from each other in February. My time is not my own and I have had to make comprises with another person moving into our small apartment.  I made a firm, stick-to-it decision for myself last Monday. There will be no more of this behavior and attitude! BBB will be used more often and eating a much better diet! You will hear more and the plan but I wanted to post so it isn't just me knowing I have master plan.

Should not be surprised

I really should not be surprised by now the way things turn out in my World. Sometimes I forget and don't have faith in myself and my ridiculous determination coupled with the family stubbornness I cant turn off. I have had some difficult challenges that have made me very stressed! Money has been a big factor. Almost getting evicted from our apartment did not help. Lastly perimeno is really pissing me off anymore!

Wil lost his job soon after Kel arrived in February. She did a job transfer but works less than part time. The place she works at is cutting hours on all folks. It has added the burden on me to not only work full time but take any over time I can. It is not putting me ahead at all but barely keeping us afloat. I just cant keep this mad pace up especially when I just seem to be spinning my wheels! (chasing my tail, walking in circles, beating my head against the brick wall. You get the image.) I should be saving to retire one day, saving for a house, getting a new (to me) car or even taking an f'ing vacation! It did not help that me rent (and parking space) went up. I want to get a life! 

Almost two months after getting Abby the property management of my apartment building denied her living here. My doctor would not sign the compliance form they sent her. She said she wrote a note and that was all she was going to do. I was not willing to part with Abby so we had a stand off I could not win. The management company harassed my doctor but she would not budge. She could not read past "disabled" in the form. Nobody especially me was saying I was disabled. If she read the two paragraphs it went on to say almost the same verbage as the damn note she wrote for me in the first place! After two months of back and forth I was three days from getting a 30 day notice of eviction! She finally circled the verbage she agreed on and initialed it. They decided that was good enough and we are okay to stay! The whole process was soooo stressful! I work the mid shift most often so when people would return my phone calls I would be at work. All the over time made it difficult to make time to deal. I am glad that part is over!

I have been looking for a new place since Kel got here and have not found a better, bigger place that is not super far from the downtown area. I am willing to leave my beloved neighborhood (for now) to get some of the things on my wish/need list. I would like to be closer to my parents for multiple reasons. They are getting closer to elderly. I should be closer to help out more. My dad is getting more like an old man. He has had some health issues that is taking its toll on him. The mini mall near my parents is the classroom location of the pro school I want to enroll in for realty. It is online courses but they have a store front class room where you can go for help and testing. The area is not too far out and close to the freeway. There are  two places we really like out there but it is not what I can afford on my own. I feel I need to keep it in my budget as a safety net.

Wishlist 
outdoor space
good walking area close to transit and grocery store
two bed two bath. A third bed room would be good for working projects. 
laundry area in unit
good flow in the common living areas 

Have really tried I to go with the flow as far as the peri meno goes but it is spiraling out of control! The migraines are not worst in intensity but they are coming more often. It has gone from 2-3 a year to once every other month! I have more space in between my periods but the length and intensity is painful! I really thought I was going to throw up this last one. I felt horrible, achy, bloated, puky, headache  migraine later. Not cool with all the hours I work. It lasted 2 weeks instead of 4-5 days! I am soooo ready to be barren - bring it on!

Hopefully summer will arrive soon so I can put away the polar fleece and break out the shorts! Rose Festival is over so the weather should turn better now. :) 

I have not yet put Mod Podge to project. I have been gathering all the donated items from people and pondering ideas. I got a whole envelope of fortunes from cookies from a fellow Derby Ref "Panda Express", some foreign currency from a co-worker including a paper money from Russia that got the maker of such arrested! He had a pyramid scheme going with his made at home money. He was trying to replace the Governments money but they did not take kindly to that.  I got subway tickets and other cool paper items from Joseph.  I myself have collected concert stubs and memorabilia that might get added in. I have the two wood cigar boxes as well as the two card board boxes. I want to stain the boxes, add some embellishment and enjoy. The cardboard boxes will get some embellishment and a protective coating of Mod Podge for safety. I have put things on and off the different boxes in my mind but nothing permanent yet. I also want to work with a clear product to encase items for paper weights or table tops. I will know when it is the right fit I will jump. 

Thanks again for those of you that sent my seemingly useless items. You are adding to my creative process!

Wild life Day

Yesterday was "Weird Wildlife Day" in My World. First thing out of bed Abby is a goofball but that is not part of the story just a side note. We get
downstairs (in the parking area) for Abby to do her morning biz. She likes to pee one place then go through the bushes to the open green space between the two buildings to finish up. Anyway, we are slowly walking to and through the bushes when I hear a quick rustling in the under brush. I figured a squirrel saw us coming and scrammed. As we come into the clearing the squirrel runs up the tree and stops about 7 feet up. He is making that "chee chee" noise they make when they are pissed and twitching his bushy tail. The weird thing is instead of bounding away he positions himself on the trunk of this tree with his front aimed at me like he might make a leap at me! Both Abby and I just stood there looking and thinking "wha?" That is just too much for me to process straight out of bed and before coffee! We had a stand off for a short bit then I made the bold move to walk by to our destination. Maybe not the smartest move but it was better than being bitched out and intimidated. I did fear that he would jump on me and start biting me like a crazed vampire squirrel.

The second part of Wildlife Day happened on my bike ride before work. I was biking on the "Stillwater Corridor" multi-use path where it runs along the Willamette River on the East side of town. The path runs from the Ross Island Cement Plant to just past and behind Oaks Park. Before you get to Oaks there is a wetlands area that has a path that branches off the multi-use path, winds through the wetland and ends in the neighborhood of Sellwood. For a good mile the multi-use path is on the old train track and truss so it is above the river and above the wetlands with ground sloping away on both sides. There is working train tracks that runs parallel to the path on the wetlands side but there is fences on both sides. Anyway, It was a sunny but not very warm day. I was enjoying the semi-quiet, the sun on my face, the birds chirping and the good feeling of being on my bike. I was nearing my turn around point behind Oaks when a full grown fawn (that is what you call a female deer, right?) Came up from the river and stopped on the path. She saw the fence impeding her way to the wetlands and stopped in her tracks. I was about 20 feet away from her. I stopped and was slowly reaching for my mobile to use the camera feature. She was bigger than the frame of my bike (17.5) more like a pony in size. I have seen deer before but not in the city like that! It was pretty cool. A bike coming the other way did not stop and spooked the deer. I guess we were all lucky that the deer turned and went back the way it came. They are very powerful especially when scared. One of us could have gotten hurt.