Settling in and getting my groove

As I started out this week I was so COMPLETELY overwhelmed. Lots of change and so much to do! I take it day by day and try to make each day the best I can. It seems to be working so far. The end of day one I was wiped and unmotivated to do much around the place other than making lunch and such. Yesterday I came home ready to hit it. I did four loads of laundry, made dinner and lunch for today, quick trip to Target and cleaned some places so I could set up things in those spaces. I felt really good at my progress yesterday. A bit tired today but hoping I'm up for Workshop tonight as I have not been in ?, weeks anyway. I even missed Deep Dish Monday in my melt. :/

I've had some interesting happenings and thoughts but really no time to type them up. Maybe I will write them in my journal and type later. I came home for lunch so I figured I'd take a moment!

Thanks all you Frienster folks wanting to be my pals. It took a bit of time to answer as I have not been on the computer for play.

Ta-ta for now!

It sure is early in the morning!

I have not been on a schedule for work in almost a year and it's killing me now! Starbucks time was 3:15 to 4am wake up time but you wore a uniform, hair could be wet and they provided you with caffeine and sugar in solid and liquid forms. Now I have to be alert and in biz causal sitting in front of my computer to log in at 6am - no later. I have something in common with the pre- schoolers of this world. We both go to bed before 9pm.

Not complaining here but my system is still in shock. I do live less than 2 miles from work so it's an easy commute. I really have a lot to tell you and some interesting things that have happened but may have to wait until the weekend. Let me shower and see if I have anytime.

Happy Easter to all - whatever it means to you.

I don't want to step on any toes with this post. I don't normally worry about being P.C. in my world but it seems people are hyper sensitive about most things anymore. If you are religious and it rawks your world - Great for you! If your kids love hunting plastic eggs full of candy, money and other assorted prizes - Cool! (who wouldn't?) Enjoy your choices and please don't put others down for theirs. Be happy.

As for Marta's World I have been happy busy. I moved a week ago and had my boys for a chunk of their spring break. They took turns having friends over to spend the night. That is something that has not happened much lately. Not anyplace for that many bodies in my old room. We have all missed that. Wil's school is next door so he has friends that stop by now when he is with me. I'm glad he can do that. He has some great friends that live in this area but his dad wont drive him back here much to hang out with them.

I do have a lot of boxes un packed and things generally where I want them but not all done. No worries though as long as it's livable I'm good. Still need some things to help out on the put away like furniture for the boys! I found a loft bed I pick up today so Nick can hang around above Wil's head like a vulture waiting for his turn on the computer. No chance that will start any battles between the brothers.

I start training tomorrow morning so I can pay for this new freedom and independence. It's well worth it. I need to start my focus on the long term goals of going to school and a career. I'm going to allow myself a brief adjustment time and to breathe. First I'll finish settling in and getting used to my new schedule for the month.

I want to be a good little monkey and be a shining star in this class. I was told by two different HR people what to do to get the hours I want and be in line for bonuses and promotions. That's what I gotta do so that come fall I will get what I need while I go to school. This job saved my ass and I'm grateful but it is only the means to the end for me. I'm on my way and going to work hard for the life I want. I'm not going to blow this!

Life is sweet!

I love having my own place again! In living in someone else's home with their rules I lost some of my independence. The rules were not hard or complicated but they were not mine. It is totally Marta's World now and it feels so right and good!

The move went like a move should with few exceptions. I'll get to those in a sec. I want to say to those who helped me move I will love you forever! Deeg, Scott, Chris and Josh have helped me multiple times. I'm glad I got to show them a positive happy move for a change. Look! No tears guys!

Newbies to a Marta move were Adam and Jesse. Adam was going to borrow his brother's pick up and his brother came with the deal. (I don't think he trusted Adam with his truck.) When it was pouring rain I kept the UHaul reservation I had but upped it to a 14 foot truck I drove. Adam called when I was in line for the truck to see what he could do to help. He traded in his brother and his pick up for his mom's minivan. I put him in charge of things not to go in the big truck. (that I drove)

Jesse is a long time friend of the Kalama Merwin's and Chris' best friend. He and Chris had moved the day before into their new digs but there they were to help. Thanks Jesse! You kicked moving butt and totally earned those donuts!

Scott and Deeg are always at the ready for me. You guys are the best. Thanks for always being there for me and changed your plans for me. I'm lucky to have such good people on my side. I owe you big time.

Now for the good news bad news part of the move. Renee made homemade lasagna, garlic bread and salad for the movers feast we were all looking forward to. We got everything loaded moved and unloaded in two hours and were ready to pop the food in the oven. We opened the oven to a not pretty sight. The inside is pretty worn out but worse is no oven racks! Deeg even asked the next door neighbor to borrow a rack but it was not the same size. Good thing there is a close Costco for pizza!

Since getting in the new place I have gotten a few things unpacked but DB and his son came up to help. They missed the big flurry of the move. DB has made most of the meals and kept the boys happy while I took care of some things. Thanks You. :)

The reason they missed the fun on moving day is Cohen took and passed his permit test Saturday. He can now start driving. Gulp. Wil will be soon doing the same. . . .

All in all I gotta say it was one of the better moves I have had in a long time. The best of my single life hands down! I will probably have a party at the end of April when my training is done.

: ) Moving Day!

So it's moving day where are you! :0

I'm in!

It is so sweet! I will take pics later! My own place!

Happy St. Paddy's

Being Irish (among other things) I always celebrate this day in some way. This year it's special to me for it's my day to start a new. I may throw back a beer later (then pass out!) but I don't need it to celebrate.

The day has not gone as I planned and I feel behind schedule BUT the excitement I felt just now packing things out the fridge was priceless. I realized I can put anything wherever I want in the fridge! In fact in the whole bloody place! So cool. I've missed that freedom.

They weren't done with the cleaning and repair when I arrived today. My car was full of kitchen, bathroom,cleaning supplies and a desk I got. I'm not even sure they will be done when I go back for my appointment for the walk through at 5:30. I was able to put that stuff in the finished bedroom. My car is loaded again so I hope they are done! After the walk through I will unload then putter. I'm already beat from pre-moving even though I'm just getting started! I wont stay too late and get a good go at it tomorrow.

Not too late to join the pizza (and help move me) party Saturday. Just let me know! Oh! Renee is making lasagna and garlic bread! Cheers!

For those that want to help

There are a few ways you could help me in my move if you want. No worries if you don't. :) I will rush through these since I'm up to my eyeballs in stuff to do! I get the keys Thursday mid morning and here is what I hope to get done Thursday and Friday. If you want to pitch in let me know!

~ Thursday I want to get the kitchen set up
~ I hope to get most bathroom stuff over and set up
~ Taking apart my bed today and hope Thursday or Friday get it re-assembled
~ Move hanging clothes and dresser drawers and clothes that go in them
~ Move the entertainment Center (need lifting help)
~ Computer moved and set up (Friday)
I'm sure there is more but I gotta get busy!

Here is another way to help. There are a few things we need. Either we borrow, "rent to own", you donate or tell me a inexpensive place to get "it"
~ a home phone (I don't own one!)
~ an answering machine (I had to get the base phone plan to start. I don't want to leave the boys with no way to call out)
~ Kitchen chairs (I have an old round oak table)
~ night stand or small dresser for the boys

Lastly we still need help on Saturday in the "big" move. We have two teens, three guys, two trucks, one volvo and a rental truck. I was hoping for a few more folks so it went quicker. Poor Deeg and Scott M. helped me last time along with Wil and Josh. Adam H. and his brother's truck are new to a Marta's World move. DB and his son are coming to help after the run to DMV for Cohen's permit test. Wil is still trying for some of his buddies but it is Spring Break and their mean parents are making them go somewhere fun - Geez!

Thanks for all your support in the hard times. Hope that is behind me. I just want to get moved and prepare for my job and ho hum life I'm looking forward to living.

Marta's independence extravaganza Holiday

There are many good reasons why I'm excited about moving but it really hit home yesterday a special one. How simply I have been living the last six months and how that is all about to change. I don't mean I'm going to suddenly go "keeping up with the Jones'" on you. Let me explain.


Yesterday I took 8 boxes in assorted sizes upstairs to really tackle packing. I used three. One big box for the big pillows the boys use to lay on and two much smaller ones for knick knacks and my night stand stuff. When I get to My apartment and unpack it will be like Christmas and a reunion of beloved friends rolled in one great event. Just this thought makes my new independence even more special to me.

I don't own a lot but what I do have means something to me. I picked it out or someone gave it to or made it for me. I have some of my childhood collections or things of my children's. These things remind me of good happy times. I will so enjoy seeing my things again and choosing where they will go.

The boys are really excited to have their own space at my place. They are making choices of which posters will come off the wall of their bedrooms to move over to the new room. I'm glad to have their support and enthusiasm.

I don't like the act of moving and to be honest most of the moves in the last four years have been spontaneous and painful. I cant wait for this move! It is a happy celebration of taking control of my life and choices. Life is looking good! *world famous cheesy grin*

I have 3 people, a possible pick up and my son for moving day help so far. I totally understand it is "Spring Break" and people have plans. Not trying to guilt anyone just let me know if you are planning to help but haven't contacted me. :)

Beautiful weather, Beautiful life, Beautiful Me.

The beautiful sunny weather continues. I love the way the sun feels on my head and shoulders when I'm outside. It's great on a walk just to be out in the day. It seems to have brightened everybody's mood. Even the cranky people I know are basking in our unusual weather


Boy was "I out in the day" on Saturday! My photo shoot was on location in the rolling farm land above the Dalles. It was strange to see the start of green sprouting up where soon it will take on a desert like quality. The trees are something out of a old west back lot and yes, there were tumble weeks rolling along in the gale like force winds! The wind would kick up and be so strong and chilled I'm surprised I didn't turn blue! At one of the sites Angie asked me to relax "Look like you are having fun." Actually I was having fun and some of the poses "to cover things" should have been awkward but they weren't. The problem was the freezing wind was hideous! It was taking all I had not to shiver or have my teeth chatter! I broke pose and shook everything out then jumped back in it with a big grin. That took care of that site.

We went to three different sites for eight or ten different poses. Other than my cowboy hat and boots I had nothing but the wind on. For the most part only strategically placed body parts covered things up for the photos. I was really relaxed for this despite the fact we were trespassing and could (and almost did) get caught at any moment. It was really fun.

Their hope was to combine beautiful landscapes with the themed photos. Given what little "I had on" DB said that is a nice idea but I'm not sure that anybody will appreciate that. It's not what they will be looking at. He may be right. It was a nice way to spend half a day.

The last location we went to was back close to the main road. It was a horse corral with a horse and donkey hanging out. It consisted of a wood gate, a bathtub with another tub in it for water and a place for hay. It was right on the gravel road where the road bends. There were some trees there and rolling hills. They wanted some shots of me with the horses. (Horse and donkey) Angie and Bill stood about twenty feet away with Angie getting the shot the way she wanted. Bill was in charge of my robe and watching for people. He was more interested in his chocolate bar than his assistant duties. The first time we heard a car Bill started heading for the car WITH MY ROBE!!! Did I mention the boots were several sizes too big? Not good for a quick getaway. (neither is my ankle) So Angie yells at him and he tears back a few beats too late but the passing farmer in truck didn't seem to mind. We all take a breath and get ready to resume when another car is upon us. I only had the robe 1/2 off so it wasn't hard to fix. We realized how guilty we appeared all looking away from the road and trying to act causal with me in a blue terry robe a cowboy hat (hanging down my back) and snake skin boots. I'm sure they see things like this everyday.

After the third car the rush hour was over. With the hat hanging down my back I approached the horse and talked reassuringly to him. The donkey started to approach but the horse nixed that. He came over to me and showed me just how much he liked me. . . By getting a hard on! Not the shot we had in mind and kinda disturbing. Angie tried to take pics leaving that end out of the shots. The horse wanted to show me how serious his intentions were so he began flexing his stiffy against his belly. It made a loud slapping noise that made me want to robe up and call it a day. I have had many admirers but I draw the line at animals.

I talked to the donkey after that and it seemed to bring the horse back to reality. We got a few more shots with both and only had to dodge one more car. All in all an interesting experience that I would do again. Too bad Playboy didn't walk into my Starbucks last year. That would have been worth losing my job for!

There will be at least one more shoot or two. A group one with four to six women and one with myself and another gal from CSz. I don't mention her name since I don't know if she wants her part of this project made public. I will enjoy the shoot with her though.

"It's a penis not Godzilla!" Carrie Bradshaw

YE HAW!!!

I have had a fun packed good weekend so far! The downer has been the internet has been down most of the weekend so I wasn't able to post or e-mail folks. Also the boys were here for the weekend so...

I was one hell of a cowgal for my photo shoot. I really had a fun time and a whole story there !

Not time to fill you in now since DB and I are celebrating. ;)

One more day closer to a normal life. Bring on the ho hum!

No news yet from the Asst. Mgr. so far this morning. I know one way or the other I will find out today. Keep something crossed for me.

post note 1:20 pm
I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!! I get the keys on March 18th! :)

I got an e-mail this morning about my photo shoot happening tomorrow. They want me to change it from 11:30 to 9am or earlier meeting them in Vancouver to start. We have quite a drive to get to the "dirtsy" location in the Gorge. My theme is western and they want me to bring any "cowboy " stuff I have. Well, I don't have cowboy stuff. It seems a bit short notice to me (to pull together) but that's the world of creative I guess. I cant imagine any earlier than 9 since I need to do my own hair and make up before heading out. I am very much looking forward to this and will go with the flow. More on that whole experience tomorrow.

Not much to say this morning . I'm in "do" mode and going down the check list in my head. I will get some packing done this weekend with the boys. I did do a bit yesterday in my room but need to focus on the clean up for them today.

I'm hoping it's their last weekend here. They are excited to have a room of their own (even thought they have to share) They have some stuff they want to bring over for their room. They have the the idea that the computer should go in their room. Silly boys. I'm glad they are so excited and happy for me/us.

OH! If any of you have furniture just collecting dust in storage I could borrow or purchase on a time plan I would appreciate it. I don't have a kitchen table or chairs. (small though) An actual desk for the computer would be awesome. Other than Nick's old twin beds I don't have any furniture for the boys. A desk, table or small entertainment center for a TV and a game system.

My dream had been once I was able to move out of the double studio I wanted to get them the Ikea loft bed/desk combo and a bed for Wil. That's what they have always wanted from the first trip to Ikea when they were younger. One day. It seems the possibilities are more everyday.

"You are where you were meant to be" DJ (Deeg) about life

*Cleansing breath* Catch you up!

I had a busy successful day yesterday! I was on fire as far as getting things done and Marta's way. I don't know where this part of me has been (resting up?)but I'm glad to have her back!

I started my day with some computer stuff while enjoying my coffee. Then it was off to my power walk. (third day in a row)I had an appointment with the Assistant Manager to turn in my application and have the (dreaded) background checks. With what I told him he still seemed optimistic on my getting it! (it is a renters market right now)A final trip to Costco and I was off to the Beaverton/Hillsboro area to fill my vending machines.

On the long drive (on a beautiful day) I realized that I haven't been paid at all from the Temp agency. The agency was on the way from S.E. (on 205) to Hillsboro so I detoured. The lady that hired me wasn't there again so I got to talk to the lady in charge of the office. She is one of those people that takes their job and makes it more important than it is. A little power goes a(too)long way. She was pissed that I got a permanent full time job. (and not through her)I went in and told her that I had not received any pay so far. She would ask questions (the same one several times) but not listen to the answers. This greatly irritated me and I commanded her to listen to me by taking over and clarifying the information while enunciating well. She told me I didn't need to get huffy. I told her that I was simply clarifying so we could move on. It sounds pissy in telling this but I can assure you I was polite but I grew weary of this woman. While we were trying to establish things the gal from the building maintenance (LP job) called (still) looking for my replacement. In the phone call (having told the gal I was standing right there) not only did they both make put down jokes about me but the other gal said I didn't work there those last three days! I clarified again the hours I had worked and reminded them of the BFD about taking last Thursday off for personal reasons. The gal called back and finally everyone was on My page. After she hung up I told power lady that not only is it rude to put someone down but to begrudge them what they need is bad. I went on to say that nobody explained the terminology to me. I have never worked for a temp agency before so I didn't understand. I went on to say when someone can better themselves you should be happy for them. By the time I got to my circumstances of what I have been through the last year she was looking at the top of her desk her face pretty red. When I finished she apologized but continued to look anywhere but in my face. I will have two checks waiting for me to pick up on Friday.

After that fun half hour I had one quick errand at the mall then on to Hillsboro. As I drove the rest of the way I also realized I really don't want to do the vending machines anymore. I didn't want the business and wasn't supposed to be the one running it. The machines collecting dust in a warehouse may be used soon and that made me realize I want out. I offered the nice guy out at one of the two businesses who helps me a lot to buy them cheap. I figured it's the right thing to do since he has helped me so much. He is talking to his wife about it. I would be happy to just let that go.

I finally got to go to a workshop! I haven't been in well over a month! Being sick sucks! It was a lot of fun with Flashlight Bill teaching games played in the dark. It was great to see folks and to be playing again. I am the walternet for Sunday the 20th. If a woman drops out I'm in the show!

I also missed two Deep Dish sessions. We get together again Monday. I will be there and motivated! We have our show scheduled for Saturday Late Night (11pm) on May 14th. Come on down! (more details later)

I'm going to go on my walk in a few then hit the showers. I hope to hear from the A.M. soon so I know where I'm going. I will be very disappointed if I don't get it but will ask for all the details of why. That way I can correct things and either still get that one or know what to do for the next place. No dead ends just re-write the map.

Well here I am here I am
I'm back at the crossroads again
oh let me stand let me stand
let me stand on top of the mountain again
The Explosions "Here I am"

I kick booty!

I had a great day today! I took no prisoners and took no shit! One might say some people feared the ROAR of the Mighty Marta!

I turned in my application for the apartment I want. He seemed to think it could work out. I hope to get a good call tomorrow telling me I'm in!

Too tired to write more so more later. :)

MOVE! Here I come!

Step aside cosmic joke! I am plowing thru!

Getting my strength on!

I've had a great time with DB these few days. He has helped me help myself by sharing his wisdom and strength. He has been there for me reminding me of the strength I have in me. Thank you for showing me there are good men out there, Baby.

Moving on with my plans and standing firm. What's the worse that could happen to me that hasn't happened to me already? *knock on wood* I cant be expected to pass anymore tests. The cosmic joke is over! I see a future and I'm going to work hard for it. I'm still standing so back off.

I wanted to say a few things to "you". I appreciate the love and support you give me - Thank you. With everything happening quickly and trying to take care of it all I haven't been able to tell folks individually. It isn't that you aren't important but if I did one I would feel I need to talk to each of you and I just cant right now. There is sooo much to do and plan! Please use this as a way to stay in the know. I will also use it as a way to ask for help from you too. (who wants to help me move?) Again, thanks.

This IS March, right?

Can you belief how beautiful it's been? The sunshine alone is wonderful and really helps lighten the mood and turmoil in my world but then to be warm?! Today it is supposed to be 68 degrees! Sounds like it is picnic lunch DB. I'm going to go for a power walk soon. (after Charmed) to help with the smile I would rather have on my face and in my heart. Just knowing that I will fight and win my life on my terms makes me stronger. I hope to be there to see when "What goes around comes around" hits in his world. You cant be that mean and selfish without repercussions, right? I don't want harm just being there when he realizes his mistakes.

Today I call my lawyer, the apartment complex, my tax man and Transitions. The others are already explained but the Transitions. I want to see if I can use financial aid for two classes this summer. Prep for college. I'm unclear if you don't want a full load can you still use it.

Still no e-mail or acknowledgement that he got my note. I'm not always timely on e-mails or returning calls but I do try especially when it's important.

Charmed is over so I must get walking then off to DB's lunch hour. :)

"Sing badly, if you must, but sing." my fortune from Saturday's lunch

No news . . .

Since sending the e-mail to my ex pleading my case I have heard nothing. I'm not sure how to take this. How could he just be such a bullshitter knowing I would tell people and the boys? I need to make plans and move forward so. . . .

I guess I will sign the lease and take the apartment, continue with the customer rep. job and Transitions in the fall as I planned. If he doesn't want to support me and "take the heat off" I will just have to struggle and eventually make it on my own. I will have to try to go through the legal system (again) and see if I can (pay lots of money) to avoid jail and move forward. Doing well is the best revenge.

After all the stress of the week and being dismissed from a craptastic job I made an early long weekend with DB. He really has taken remarkable TLC of me. (as usual) We have enjoyed our time and I feel more myself. With the relaxing time and a voice of reason I have a stronger sense of Me. Thanks You.

Tomorrow do some more planning and enjoy my last night with DB. I will go home and remove the gloves. If you want (more of) a fight it's coming you, jackass!

Take That!!!

Here I am!

So close I can taste it!

Orientation went well! The program is all I hoped and more. I see myself there at MHCC working hard for my future and for my boys. I even went ahead and took the college placement test and did awesome! It's supposed to take 1 1/2 to 2 hours but I did it in 51 minutes. The lady was surprised and when she got the results she congratulated me. Most students have to take additional tests to truly see where they are. (usually below level) but I placed above and even high in some cases! I was surprised and am VERY proud of myself!

I soooooo want this to happen for me and my boys! I cant do much more until the ex decides and follows through. I'm in actual physical pain and raw emotional turmoil waiting for his decision. The highs and lows of the last couple of months and the glimmer of hope that I can save myself is making me start to come apart at the seams. I feel so venerable, scattered and raw.

There is an apartment I would love to get right next to Wil's school. Soon that will be gone. I need to take a breath and wait but that is so hard! I just sent an e-mail updating the ex and reminding him of our conversation that Saturday that went so well. No more games PLEASE!

Always changing around in My World

When things get overwhelming (not little but BIG)in my world and I cant solve or plan big things my worry vomits out of my brain in my sleep. Especially if I'm having to count on (trust) another person or persons for things to come together. The last two nights I've tossed and turned and had night long sagas play out in my head. The most unusual dreams with a cast of thousands.

I only have a minute so I will touch on the highlights. I have the orientation today at 10.
~ the ex is hemming about the child support. He is saying "if he writes the letter then he throws the interest of the boys away." If it's not about the money that shouldn't be a worry. I love my kids and wanted them equally each taking care of their needs while they were in your care. That sounds like someone (me) trying to get away with something huh. I'm having serious trust issues here. Everything could just dissolve if he backs out. Who wants to help me out with conjugal visits when I'm in jail? Any volunteers?

~ Before I could call the temp agency yesterday with the dates of my training starting the gal that runs the maintenance for the building found out I interviewed and was hired for the call center job and flipped! Now, I work for the TEMP agency and wasn't hiding anything. I was actually wanting to see if I would be in the Transitions program. Possibly getting a job and or housing through them. That could change when I would give notice etc. Anyway the maintenance lady called me yelling and confronted me and I said I did get hired but told them I couldn't start until the end of the month. She hung up on me and called temp lady and said she didn't want me back on the assignment again. Her beef? That I work for a TEMP agency and had the nerve to interview for and obtain permanent full time work! The temp lady was nice and congratulated me. She said she would try to find me something (equally fun and stimulating I'm sure)to get me to the new job. We actually laughed about the other lady. What is the key word in the title of the company I work for? TEMP!

My life is never dull. . . .

She is Me

I sent this picture in and on a job posting and am hired for a "Calendar Girls" photo shoot.

She's A Beauty (She is Me)

Step right up and don't be shy,
Because you will not believe your eyes.
She's right here behind the glass
And you're gonna like her,'cause she's got class.


You can look inside another world.
You get to talk to a pretty girl.
She's everything you dream about...
But don't fall in love...

She's a beauty ---
One in a million girls,
She's a beauty.
Why would I lie?
Why would I lie?


You can say anything you like,
But you can't touch the merchandise.
She'll give you every pennies worth,
But it will cost you a dollar first.
You can step outside your little world.


You can talk to a pretty girl.
She's everything you dream about...
But don't fall in love...

She's a beauty ---
One in a million girls,
She's a beauty.
Why would I lie?
Why would I lie?

For awhile I didn't see myself as a attractive woman. I was Wil and Nick's Mom, wife, dutiful daughter, good friend and generally the gal that could be counted on by all. I didn't think I was unattractive just Me. Don't misunderstand that statement. I took care of myself and was well groomed. I just didn't know then what I know now. I was a lot different back then too. I didn't know myself or let me be the wonderful quirky (you fill in the rest of the blanks. I'm gonna blush soon. :) ) gal I am.

Now I like what I see on the inside (always have) and enjoy how I'm not the only one enjoying the outside. I am one in a million girl. ; 0

I do kick ass!

The original avatar. Andrew changed it a bit to look better smaller.

My brain is leaking out through my fingers!

The sun is shining this morning and just looks so nice. I have some things I need to take care or before work today so I need to keep this brief. I do remember some of the good parts of yesterdays post but I have more to say so here!

More info has trickled in to help me with my choices but it looks like it is take the Customer Rep. Job now at full time and next fall cut down to take the Transitions program. Thursday I go to the orientation. I would start school as soon as made sense depending on what I'm doing and the offering times for those classes. Sometimes they are a year long and only start in the fall.

Just typing I'm a bit sad at the thought of waiting another year and a half. That probably wont be the case as I could take other requirements and such. I cant believe I'm finally going forward! I'm even shaking and crying with relief and HAPPINESS as I type this. Is this really happening? Please don't be a horrible cosmic / ex husband joke.

I do feel a bit better this morning. By the time I got home last night around 8:30 I was wiped! I tried to post but I just couldn't remember or focus. I did get some errands and a bit of fun done after picking Hot Point up from Swede One. I went to Target and got a few things I needed and wandered just enjoying being out among people.

I'm not sleeping well with so much swirling through my brain. Being sick for so long I'm "behind" in general life. Needing to make so many choices quickly that determine where I will live and what direction I'm moving not only for myself but for my boys. Worrying if I'm making the right decisions.

Wandering through Target reminding me of what it's like to have loved ones and a close support system. I do miss the daily obligation of being and having that. When you need a hug or advice there is someone to help make it better. I wouldn't want a mediocre or bad relationship with someone that either lived with or was no more than 20 minutes away just to have some body. What I have right now is awesome! Really my only complaint is the distance. Phone time sometimes just doesn't cut it. I have great friends that support and help me mightily. I'm still not used to (after 4 years!) being all alone - no family. Again I wouldn't want bodies and game playing. I hope this is making sense.

Just typing this I have so many thoughts and emotions hitting me it phyically hurts! So many promises and betrayals in the last four years. How have I survived and kept going forward? Where did all this strength come from? I sure picked the right avatar for CSz forums all those many years ago!

Now, I'm taking a shower and gather my needs for the day. Another long one starting with work at 11am and non- stop from there until I get home from dropping the boys back home around 9:30. Nomally I'm up for that but I'm still only at about 65 percent. Working on it! Don't see this as a woe is me or whinny post. Just typing out loud. I'm doing mentally well with choices but I'm in yet another holding pattern. No more temporary I want solid!