I'm still alive!!

I really dislike being sick. I'm sure I'm not alone in this sentiment but felt I needed to say this. I got that bad cold/flu thingy that's going around. I can say It's yucky big time! I don't normally get sick and when I do I can usually keep going but at a slower pace. I felt odd (no comments ) on Tuesday but figured it was not taking as good of care of myself lately. When I get really busy I forget to eat. It's not intentional I just have too much to do! If the boys are here Wil and Nick both keep an eye on me. Big Man (if nothing else ) worried about that and would make great meals for me.

As long as I've tangented this far I may as well finish. I have a REALLY low blood pressure (like that a near dead person ) and if you combine it with dehydration and forgetting to eat it is bad. My heart beat isn't consistent ( it skips a lot ) So I have these spells for lack of a better word. If you add stress in I have a nasty habit of "zoning out" and going down. It was really bad the winter I was trying to get divorced. Add to it I lose weight in times of stress even when eating. It got to the point I felt it unsafe to drive for awhile. Big Man was beside himself worrying about me. We didn't tell people about my spells and he was good at covering. I had several in front of people but he was very smooth about getting some water, chocolate and talking me back. Yes, I had some at CSz workshops but the only people who knew and recognized the signs were Deeg, Betse and Bill. In the last 1 1/2 years I have only had 4 spells. One at CSz workshop. I had a bad one and a mild one while with a good friend who didn't have a clue. I hate freaking folks out. Why did I go off on this tangent? Going back to Lee brought back memories best left alone.

I spent all of Wednesday watching tapes made for me. They are a mix of Buffy, Charmed, WWE and TNA wrestling. Sleeping when I felt and doing nothing. It made a difference. I woke up today feeling loads better than yesterday. I'm still gonna take it easy and hope I feel up to workshop tonight. Deanna is in town from Chicago and teaching Thursday Academy. I really want to go but don't want to sneeze and cough all over and bring more folks down with this!

My how I do ramble when I'm sick! Too much churning in my head and Marta's world. Slaying dragons is hard work. :)

The Colors of NW Portland

Fall in NW Portland 2003 This is one of my favorite fall photos I have taken. It is my neighborhood.

Go with the gut instincts

I was right!!! ( I love it when I'm right!!) My ex's act sincere but are usually up to no good for "Marta's World". ALWAYS trust your gut instinct. That's why you have it!

Things went well with Lee. He was visibly disappointed but listened to me. I don't think he gets this happening very often. He thanked me and is going to hold me to my promise. We are on the same page now and straight to work. I'm glad I owned up to my mistakes. I do wish I would have done it sooner. Live and learn.

With pending things and necessary hush hush I cant reveal what's doing. Do know I have Lee de Great on my side and feel justice headed my way. Sometimes in order to right things you need that hired gun. You go Lee!! I know I have more than that. I cant believe that Cherylin remembered me from the start of the phone call. Well, I guess I can. :)

Atoning for my sins

When I was trying to find a lawyer to fight for my rights it wasn't until April I got one. Then I got THE ONE! Lee and his Legal Assistant Cherylin worked on credit . They also (in my mind) severally under charged me for all of their hard work. Not only was I grateful to these two but I very much respected and trusted them. I wish I knew then what I know now.

I have grown a lot as a person in the last three years. I've learned a lot about myself and the way the world works. I thought I knew what my path was and where I wanted to be. What I'm trying to say is I thought I had found the person I was meant to be with and couldn't be swayed from that path.

Lee saw Big Man for who he really was and tried to warn me. He wanted me to hold off on marriage. The other thing he insisted on was I invest my money to protect my future. I did one and meant to do the other. I now see they were both equally important . I truly wish I would have listened and followed through.

So tomorrow I go in to their office for more help. I have learned you cant do everything yourself. Sometimes you need help. Before I go into detail of why I'm there I have to apologize to Lee and Cherylin. It takes a lot to admit your mistakes but you also have to learn from them. I feel that I have. I hope they still want to help me after I admit my poor choices. If nothing else I feel better having confessed my sins. I know I have paid dearly.

:)

Hi all!
I'm enjoying these beautiful fall days! Hope to take some pictures the next couple of days. Lots to tell but I got no more time today!

Kiss

Big Man and Me ; Part III of the trilogy of badness in Marta's World

We met at Comedy Sportz. His was class after mine but 3 months later. His class was the first class to have level 1.5 available right after level one. The original name was "Stun Gun" and was taught by Kent. It was made available to all in level two. I thought it was a good idea to take it .

He said when I walked into the arena it was love at first sight for him. Later when he found out I was married and had two boys he vowed to be the best friend he could be. I guess it was obvious I was troubled, at least to him.

For Me I was still married but waiting for the summer. I tried to get my husband to work on stuff-our marriage and himself but it was inevitable the outcome. He was checked out of the relationship and family. It wasn't until after I told him I wanted a divorce did he go crazy. That's when he started writing love letters telling me he was head over heels in love with me. I knew things wouldn't change. Actually for me they already had. It was two years too late.

Big Man and I became fast friends - best friends. He seemed to know me as well as I knew myself. He would finish thoughts and sentences for me and I for him. He was the only person I told about my decision. We had many long talks with him playing devil's advocate on my husband's behalf. He had selfish motivation but really did help me a lot. I don't know if I would have made it through all that without his help. I still didn't know of the strength within me. I sure didn't have anybody else to turn to. I never dreamed he would be my only support.

I realized my feelings for him had deepened and changed. I didn't know what to do or who to talk to. I didn't want to lose my best friend by falling in love! I felt a bit awkward around him so I thought if I tell him we can have a good laugh and move on. He looked at me with an intense stare that seemed to look through me and listened. There was a brief silence then he let out a big breath almost as if he had been holding it . He said "Oh thank god! I have been in love with you from the moment you walked into my class" It was my turn to be silent. Not the reaction I was expecting. I had no idea where to go with this. He said lets call it a night and talk tomorrow. I was dumb founded!

I went home with so many thoughts going through my head I couldn't make out a single one. The next day I knew one thing. This wasn't the time to start a new relationship. I tried to stand firm on this for a long time but he just kept after me with all the reasons we should be together. He told me he was in love with me and wanted to (for the first time) get married. He even saw us having kids. What?!? He had never wanted that before. He is a great salesman. He said things I wanted to hear from someone. I was starved for attention I believed it all. What he was saying sounded so good I finally stopped fighting.

I will say this one last time for the record. I, Marta, did NOT have an affair with anyone before leaving my husband! I'm tired of having to say this . Sure I did some things "wrong" and wish I could have a do over but I would have still left "for Me." There wasn't anything good left in that relationship except our boys.

Big Man helped me get my own apartment and the job as Asst. Manager of the complex so I could get a break on my rent. He didn't make much money as the manager but paid for everything I/We needed until I got a job. We settled into a nice life together despite my husband (I was separated from and had asked for a divorce ) and my parents harassing thw both of us.

Unfortunately the manager/asst. mgr. Jobs weren't working out. The property management company had unreal expectations for a two person operation. We worked our behinds off trying to please them but in the end they fired us. They gave us two weeks to move instead of the usual 72 hours. He got us a two bedroom apartment at his old complex that I helped him mve from . We were going to be just roommates but that just didn't seem to happen. I'm guessing that was his plan

We made it through a lot of bad situations. Husband stalking me and calling several times a day to harass me on both my phone as well as Big Man's. My parents un- inviting me at Christmas, husband keeping the kids from me, and everyone telling me constantly that I did it wrong. It just made our bond stronger. We almost lost our apartment more than once. Two people trying to live on a part time salary? We had it tough.

After the divorce finally went through (a year after I left) people asked us when we were getting married. I wasn't in a rush as I just got out of one marriage. . That's when he started to back peddle. He was afraid of the big "M". I didn't see the writing on the wall. I believed the fantasy he had been telling us both for so long. When it was late at night we would cuddle up together and he would tell "our story". Or if we were driving somewhere, while we were making love, painting apartments, on the phone. You get the way it was?

Our story was a beautiful fantasy I still remember at odd times and get a twinge. Not to be with him again but the story was so nice and got me through some hard times. It wasn't aiming for the moon either. Just a story of two people happy to be together and being content with the simple pleasures. Here, he will tell you.

(Big Man telling the story) We will get married in the fall. A small but traditional wedding. I want to see you in a beautiful dress coming down the isle smiling at me. Our family there with us. We will induldge ourselves by having a honeymoon in Germany during Octoberfest. We will stay with my mother's family. I will have that radio job I'm destine to get. That will make me so happy! Just think how good it will be for us when I'm happy with myself!

We will buy a small house that needs fixed up. I will enjoy doing all the work making it just the way we want it. We can work together. It will have a small easy to maintain yard. You can get a dog of your own. I know you miss having a dog that's yours.

You wont have to work if you don't want. I don't want you to. Go back to school, do a hobby like pottery you enjoy. You could probably make money doing something you love like me in radio.

It will be a great life with you in it. Thank you for loving me. I love you BeBe with all I am.

I know reading it now it sounds sappy but he is a good salesman! I needed to be that for someone. I hadn't found Me yet. I was just waking up to who I really am. I didn't have the confidence to BE yet.

Things slowly changed after the divorce. He started to do more things with his life long friend. Never a good thing since said friend has no responsibility. (he is 34 and still lives with his parents) That's when the back peddling started and unknown to me he started cheating on me. There was more than one woman. It lead up to him contacting a woman he was in love with 8 years before. She was married at the time they worked together. He "just couldn't forget her." He started a relationship with her while still living and sleeping with me. I found out by accident a month later. Ironically as he was slowly pulling away I was beginning to see him in the light for the first time. I was starting to think this wasn't what I wanted. If I would have had another month I would have left him on my own.

As it was I found out on a Saturday night we had the boys. Deeg, Renee and her boys were over. Big Man was acting weird. He got a phone call and had to go out to "help his friend" who ran out of gas on a first date. We all looked at each other like "?!?!" Nick borrowed his phone to call a soccer mom about his ride the next morning. Nick had gone into the bathroom to make the call. He pulled me in to help find the number. At first I was intent on finding the name. The third time through I started seeing all these women's names never mentioned before. I saw her name among them. He had mentioned her before. He opened the bathroom door and seeing the phone in my hand and the look on my face knew he was caught.

After we put the boys to bed he told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. (sound familiar) I felt like a nuclear bomb had gone off. I was left at ground zero. The physical pain had me doubled over. I was in shock for the next month. He wanted me to move out (in two weeks) and his friend would move in. I had no idea how I was going to live on my own on my salary. In one conversation I lost EVERYTHING. My love, best friend, family and place to live. Nothing was familiar or comfortable. I felt so alone and ashamed.

Life is good! Welcome to Marta's World!

It is SOOOO good to be Me! The only downer I can think of right now is that I have to put clthes on to go to the bathroom. Believe me I DO! My rented room is upstairs and the bathroom is at the bottom of the stairs. The living room , owners bedroom and den are all right there.

Watched some more of the tape last night with the boys. I already watched Charmed (sigh) but saved the WWE Smack down and TNA X-match to view with the boys. The smack down was the day after our PPV we went to. I LOVED seeing HHH slipping around on confetti and cake frosting! For the new heavy weight champ they are making him look like a buffoon. :)

The TNA match was really good. To be honest I didn't know what it was when I read it off the box. It was four guys competing for the belt. Similar to a ladder match but no ladders allowed. Those guys have some awesome moves! One thing I really liked was the aggressive style and no hesitation in executing moves. It is a bit too dramatic in the WWE. Total Nonstop Action - nice.

Simple Alert!! I was told some time ago by my brilliant older son I couldn't rearrange my favorites on the computer. I could add or delete but that was all. HA! I found out by accident that I could move things around to my liking. I'm sure I spent too much time doing this only because it was fun! I have the informative stuff at the top for quick access. Right after that is all the wrestling links I have. The middle is everybody's blogs and journals followed by fun sites I visit. After that is all the comedy stuff and on the very bottom any log in things I don't want to have to search for. I cant tell you how many times I thought to myself " I wish I could put like things together." It's just so cool I want to play! No time with two teenagers nagging for me to be done. I have already gone over an hour.

Lots more to say but I will give the boys a break. They still don't have computer at their dads until a good progress report comes out.

Happy Saturday kids! Be nice to someone and make their day. (or leave them wondering)

Just enjoying

I started watching a VHS tape that was made for me. It's T.V. shows I don't get to see (off cable) anymore. It was like seeing an old dear friend again. I even enjoyed the commercials. I am simple.

Waking up to an over cast day this morning was fun. I was sure it was going to rain only because my ankle didn't want to flex when I tried to walk. It's going a bit better now. I'm sure you'all are getting tired of hearing it from me but I LOVE FALL! (I still haven't heard from many of you. I feel your presence out there!)

I'm hoping this weekend goes better than the last kid one. Nick internalizes his feelings then they come out usually in an uncomfortable manner. I wish he could be more like me. He is very uncomfortable in his world and doesn't know what to do about it. Wil tried to talk to his father about it. John's answer was " Your mom should take care of it." WTF?? I have them four hours on Tuesdays and every other weekend. It seems to me (I could be wrong) he has an advantage over me time wise to "take care of it." There I go thinking again. :)

I don't know about you but I always get nervous and alarms go off when people who are normally unkind to me are suddenly nice. I got a "two for one" special yesterday. Both ex's are contacting me and were nice. Did I miss a memo or one of those made up days on the calendar that most of us ignore? I'm just saying if you kick me enough times every time I see you after that I'm going to be ready to block that kick!

No worries. I'm looking forward to several things this weekend.

1) I've got my boys

2) I'm playing Saturday and Sunday (CSz)

3) Driving with Deeg

4) It's fall!

5) The PS2 is back! Nick said we can even watch DVD's on it!

I'm me. I have a goofy grin on my face just enjoying. I'll get on with my puttering now then happily get in my car and hit 205 hoping some more great tunes will make my day. Be happy!

A good feeling

Today was a beautiful fall day! The colors are starting to change and look even better on a sunny day. The sky was so blue I was happy to be out in it. I am so grateful to be done with the heat of summer.

I hit 205 for the 4 mile drive to Wil's school. Turning on the radio to 94.7 KNRK I was thrilled to hear some songs I haven't heard in awhile. First song to play was "Rain on my face" by The Alarm. It was awesome to turn it up and sing along. The sun shining , not much traffic and great tunes just filled me with a happy glow. The next song to play was Fat Boy Slim singing "Praise you". More songs I enjoyed followed but I was in such a zone I don't remember them. :)

Working around the house

Monday I was puttering around trying to get things organized for the boys upcoming visits. I managed to get a big box and two smaller boxes out of the hall and into my room. Things are livable just not my usual clutter and convenience. I'm working on it.

Anyway, when I was done some time after 9pm I decided to vacuum. It wasn't bad in my room but both roommates have dogs. The dog hair was getting to me. The wads of hair fluffing around weren't dust bunnies but more like dust weasels. I ended up vacuuming my room, the sitting room and hallway upstairs, the stairs, and the whole down stairs. My vacuum is one of those bagless with a hepa filter wonders. The container is 3/4 full. wow.

since both boys are sick my "Tuesday" got moved to Thursday. The only bad thing about that is Nick has soccer from 6 -7:30 at Willamette Park near the sellwood bridge. For those not familiar with Portland it's water front near downtown. I live out on 82nd.(that many blocks from the water front) I get to pick Nick up at school at 2pm (early out) then head back to get Wil at his school closer to my place at 2:30. I don't have to have them back home until 8pm. I'm not sure if Wil and I will find something to do in that part of town or just drive back and forth 3 times.

Rather than making a whole post about some of my embarrassing likes I thought I would just add it here. I feel compelled to share these in hopes you will come out of the shadows and share with Me thus revealing yourself as a reader in "Marta's World" were no punctuation and grammar rules are safe! I did that huge run on, fragmented, demented sentence in one long type! I gotta rest a minute...

movies I'm almost to embarrassed to say I like:
~ "Bad Boy's" I and II
~ "Point Break"
~ "Selena"

music I really like and It scares even Me!

~ Selena and Los Dinos
~ Jon Secada
~ Glenn Campbell
~ Cher (some old some new)
~ Backstreet Boy's (just a few but eww!)

Actors and Actresses I like. Not embarrassed to say but I do get funny looks.

~ Jack Black I would "do " him in a heart beat. He is so funny, insane, creative, full of intense energy.
~ Joan Cusack funny, sexy, quirky.
~ Jonny Quest I have had a thing for Jonny for as long as I can remember. What's not to love? He's smart, funny, takes chances, has a great family and the best dog ever!
~ Marie Holly Combs I saved the best for last. She is the "other" sister in the TV show "Charmed". She is the reason I watch the show in the first place. The other actresses are hot but Holly doesn't just rely on her good looks to get by. She has a great sense of humor and intelligence that comes through and out of that great body. Yeah, I got it bad for Holly.

So now it's your turn. Here are the questions in case you forgot after the shock of reading my answers. :)
- movies you are almost embarrassed to say you like.
- music you are almost embarrassed to say you like.
- Actors you like but people question your good taste (or if you even have any) after revealing you think they are hot.
kisses and have a good day!

I'm Charmed

Holly Marie Combs

My favorite Charmed one. Need I say more?

Watch out! I DO listen.

I really try to tackle things head on. I'm not a lazy person 90 percent of the time but when it comes to typing I am. It's not something I do well but struggle to improve since I use it a lot. I've actually improved greatly in the last several months since getting my blog. Part of my speed has been not worrying about spelling since I have spell check. The other part is what seems to bother some folks. My lack of capitalization. I don't do it cause I'm lazy not insecure. "If you refer yourself in lower case you are insecure about yourself." Not so far just lazy! This post has taken so much effort to make sure to capitalize and whatnot I haven't gotten very far. I'm so glad you could overlook the grammatical errors and made up words if I would just capitalize. :)

Actually, I gotta go for now. Both boys are sick and I'm taking Wil to the doctor. He has more than a cold. Nick has a flu bug and is throwing up. That has been a theme in Marta's World a lot the last couple posts. Besides I'm now tired from all the extra effort typing!

Update 6:45 pm

After a trip to doctor and pharmacy both Wil and I are set! He is having asthma again. He hasn't had any attacks in a couple years. He got an inhaler he doesn't think he needs.

I used the Kaiser pharmacist and below Costco prices to aid in the battle of my allergy hives. The pharmacist is having the same issues I am so you could say I really got the inside scoop! I got day time and night time drugs as well as a vitamin E gel and an aloe vera gel. I will feel like a real artist mixing all the different gels and lotions on the palette (My bod) I should charge to watch this sensual dance. At least I could off set the cost of all the stuff I have bought in the battle!

A good weekend was had in Marta's World

I cant tell you that anything incredible happened this weekend but I enjoyed it just the same. It rained and got chilly. (happy guys?) There was beautiful sun breaks that I loved too. Fall is my favorite season hands down. I will get to that post soon.

Okay, Friday night sucked only because my first period since my surgery started. I spent most of the day trying to decide if I was going to throw up or not. Not a norm for me. To add to my frustration the DVD player in the living room is temperamental. One of the roommates owns the DVD player that is hooked to the TV also owned by same. My DVD player wont work with my older TV that I'm using in my room while I live here. The DVD player will play most movies but sometime during the movie it decides its done. That day I was denied starting Underworld unless I wanted to see it sans sound but conveniently with sub titles. (what the f#*k ?) On Bad Boys II it went about 3/4 of the way through but then - done. It wont do scene selections at all. By 7:50 I just gave in and went to my room to lay in bed with my heating pad and some movies borrowed from the other roommate. I didn't finish the first movie only because I chose not to! I went to sleep.

Saturday didn't start until 10:30. I felt sooo much better I got going. I was packing my CSz uni for two shows in Eugene and getting ready to drive the hundred odd miles. I wont bore you with the mundane details of this. I will say I enjoyed driving in the stormy weather. It was cool how it changed so much as I went along.

As for the two shows I was in I think they were good. People had positive energy they brought into the show. They weren't the best shows this group or myself have done but it was good to see the up moods and performances. I think we as a group need to find a trust as a team and we will really rock. I mean that in a positive way.

I drove home midafternoon on Sunday getting back in time to catch the end of the first of two pro-am shows at CSz. Namely Sundays are the farm team shows in Portland. The two shows were 100 % benefiting "cure for cancer" No, it wasn't for Marta but not a bad idea. I was peeved that though I didn't have breast cancer I am a survivor and should have been in the shows. I usually end up in any shows I sign up for so I wasn't sure why Herb denied me these. Actually it wasn't Herbs fault.

Let me go back a couple weeks to sign up for those shows. When I first got the e-mail I had the boys with me and was in the midst of moving.( not building up for a big excuse here just setting up the facts.) I hastily read the e-mail on "my turn" and told Herb I wasn't available that weekend. I thought it was the weekend of Unforgiven (WWE match in Portland). After the boys left I went back to my g-mail and re read all. That's when I realized my mistake and e-mailed Herb again saying "change that no to a yes". I confused him as I do most men. He got lost in Marta's World so he didn't get I did want to be in said shows. So the long of a short story is I wasn't in the shows because I said I wasn't available. It wasn't anything personal or showing me I don't hang around in Portland enough. *Sigh* :) I feel better now.

After the shows all who wanted went out to the closest Mc Minns with a parking lot on 23rd and Thurman. We (CSz) usually go to that one most weekends.There was a big group of 20 ahead of us that had ordered food so the wait was long. I got to talk to people I haven't seen most of the summer. I miss hanging with my Portland peeps! Even though I lived a block from the arena I have been in Eugene more. It's tough since both have workshops on Wednesday nights. I want to do both more.

a few shout outs then I'm done.
-Betse, I hope you had a great birthday. You were cute during 185! Love ya doll!

-Karen, I miss you Sucky sister! heyyyyyyyyyy! Thanks for your words of encouragement and concern. We should carpool to workshops and Eugene? Huh? Come on!

-John M, yes we DO need to get Deep Dish together again and FAH ing soon! Thank you for the kind words about my writing. You are a great writer so I will take the compliment! I'm glad to hear you are going to start doing the drive too! Drag Karen along and hitch with Deeg and me.

-to all that read this I want to hear from you. Answer the question of a couple posts back and feel free to comment anytime.

Kisses to all that read about Marta's World. I write this for me and say whatever needs to be said for my piece of mind. I'm glad if you enjoy it our feel lucky in your own life after reading about mine. Just remember this, I'm still standing and smiling. I like being me and will take the good with the bad.

The ex husband and my side of the story

My friends were the parents of my childrens friends in a small catholic community. Over the years my world had gotten smaller and smaller. Its my fault as much as his. He was such a homebody and wanted to "keep me" there too but I didn't see it.

Anytime I had ventured out in the world sans kids and hubby he got nervous. In fact, the hobby classes I did take take would eventually get "too expensive" or would conflict with the rest of the family. He loved me for the person who he saw me as. He didn't want me to grow and change because then "I wouldn't want him." I didn't see the big picture.

In the fall 2000 I started Comedy Sportz level one. From the beginning it was a gasp of fresh air. The exercises, the people (Deeg) and doing door at shows really opened my eyes. As the classes went on He got more insecure. I went out with the folks after class once or twice. He would call me on my cell phone to "see if I was okay" and to remind me I had to get up early to take the kids to school. I guess he had always been controlling but as long as I stayed in the "lines" he was okay. I never gave him anything to be insecure about.

New Years Eve we had our third annual potluck pizza and video game tourney. It was the boys friends and their parents. Just before midnight I looked around at the 12 - 14 families and realized I didn't belong here anymore. I didn't really know the people I called my friends and I didn't know my husband . All of this hit me like a ton of bricks inside. I knew I had to end this relationship with Him. I didn't want to disrupt the boys life anymore than I was going to . I decided to wait until summer to tell all of them. It seemed so long away. I needed to find strength to do what would break all of their hearts.I was not sure how I was going to do it but I had to.

From the time I had my epiphany on News Years I slowly felt a new sense of freedom I hadn't felt in years. It also made me really appreciate the simple things. I really enjoyed activities with the boys. Playing basketball in the driveway before dinner, sitting in the hammock before bed listening to crickets. Things were going to change but I thought they wouldn't be as drastic as they were. I honestly thought we would work together for our kids. Boy was I wrong!

In fact that is a phrase I heard over and over. The other repeated phrases I heard were "she's not the responsible parent" , "you had an affair" and my favorite "Comedy Sportz is a cult that took my wife from me." Well, it is a cult.

I had heard him say many times over the years what a great mom I was. That is until I told him I loved him but was not in love with him anymore. "we are like roommates here. It's not healthy for any of us. " once I was honest with him I was suddenly the worst everything. He told anybody within earshot or with phone service. I realize I had months to prepare and ajust but something in him snapped and hasn't been right since.

Let me go back 5 years from my epiphany. He was unhappy period. He disliked his career path and didn't like himself. I told him to do whatever he needed to do to find the happiness. He quit his job as principal at a catholic grade school and spent the next two years unemployed. He "worked" for a friend trying to start an internet business but it never took off. He spent two years "talking" to a priest to find himself. I found out in the late spring that he really only talked superficial stuff . I couldn't keep enabling him to be miserable. After 17 years of marriage and 21 years together we just didn't belong together anymore.

I told my parents a few hours before him. The reason being they were taking the kids for the evening but I needed them to take them over night. They begged me not to say anything to Him. I told them this wasn't a spontaneous decision. It hurt my mom that I didn't come to her sooner to talk. I realize now that I didn't want to be bullied and told what to do. My parents said I should stay with John until the kids were out of high school. I knew I would "disappear" as Marta if I did that. Why do that to any of us? What role model for relationships is that to my boys? I wasn't happy in the relationship and not as the Marta I was allowed to be. I was the responsible child, good wife and mother but that is all I was seen as. No one wanted to see the rest of me. I was changing and growing as a person but they didn't want me to. Since they all decided I was out of my head and having an affair that was their reasoning to turn their backs and walk away from me.

He said if I couldn't make the house payment I was the one to move out. I didn't have a job since it had always conflicted with the needs of the family. He rented a house in the neighborhood for a month and gave me $200. For two months. That was it. I left July 22 and found a good paying job at Banana Republic late august.

Since then he has tried to do whatever he could to make me miserable. He made visits with the kids few, short and only convenient for him. I guess in my guilt I took it for a long time. I tried to work out equal and joint custody with him. I didn't ask for alimony or child support. He and his well to do brother hired a lawyer and took me to court. I had no money and even a lawyer for low income people wanted $100. An hour and $5000. Retainer. WHAT?

He served me at work. It was 12 noon on December 7th in front of all of Banana Republic - customers and staff. The court date was June 18th. I didn't have a lawyer until mid April. Up until then I had to go down to the court house to the family services room to get help filling out the endless papers his lawyer wanted.

I know he was hurt and a divorce is not what he wanted but the vengeance he unleashed and still does is wrong. Putting our kids in the middle, telling lies about me and making himself the martyr and victim is wrong. My crime? I was and still am honest. Throw me in jail and lose the key then. I wouldn't do it any other way.

Throw me a Frickin' Bone Here!

The wireless internet router I got sucks. A friend (that shall remain nameless to protect an innocent) took me to Best Buy where they only sell D-Link. I wasn't aware they aren't a quality product. the house has since been plagued w/ internet connection problems. I either cant get on at all or after waiting 3-6 minutes for a page to open I get re-directed to a navigation page. This is all new to me and I don't speak geek so I'm near helpless. Don't get the armor out just yet. I have Nick here today so maybe we can find another store and Nick can interpret geek for me. First he wants to go bowling. I'll let you know how it goes.


Bowling for Less Bucks. You wont believe this but it's true. With the final score of 88 Nick and I tied! They have matinee prices M-F before 6. We were the only customers in a HUGE bowling alley. We had fun using the bumpers even though we didn't really need them. while there it reminded me of a childhood trauma.

My mom was in a bowling league when we first moved here. We would go to Grand Central Bowl in S.E. portland for family time and her to practice. I was only 4-5 at the time and very buzy. I was also a very scrawny kid. bowling was really hard for me so I would get bored and into things. The day I'm thinking of my brother Mitchell was tormenting me . He is four years older than me . he was a good salesman and he convinced me that the balls would slow down if I "ajusted" the wheel. I didn't like the speed and noise in which they came out. so I stuck my thumb in the wheel and got stuck! man that hurt too! my parents were mad and we had to leave. I don't remember going to the doctor but I do remember losing that nail.

What up Today?

I'm in a holding pattern today. I'm waiting until tonight to pick up Nick from soccer practice. I get him until Friday afternoon since he doesn't have school.

I don't yet know my weekend plans as I'm waiting for lines. I don't have the kids so the possibilities are endless. there are things I should do, things I want to do and then what really happens.

With all the stuff I need to get done in my life it sure involves a lot of waiting. I guess I never really noticed it as much before. I don't think I have less patience. it must be I don't like the interim phase. I want to know where I'm actually going not just trying to head that way.

Don't see this post as negative just pondering. i always say nick doesn't handle change well. I like to think I do. I just don't usually have so much at once. I really haven't had the time to process it all. maybe that's what I'll do while I'm waiting.

Here, do something for me please. Let me know you read this by answering this question. "My favorite thing about fall is... " or a favorite memory. you can use the comments or g-mail me. I'd like to know who reads my blog. (and why?!?) I'm waiting.....

A bit of catch up with that blog

I feel I don't ever have enough time to really get into a subject with as much depth as I would like. I'm going to go through and add to some things to old posts but others get part something done eventually. Cool? Good. If there is anything you want to know feel free to ask. I'll probably tell you. :)

I was born at St. marys hospital in San Francisco. I lived in san Francisco from birth until just before my 4th birthday. I'm amazed at how much I remember. Most of the memories have been confirmed. I know my parents chose to move after the second big earth quake that did damage to our house. None of us really wanted to. I will post more on my memories soon.

As for wrestling I didn't get to say much of what I wanted. More on that soon but I would like to share an experience I had. Like I said before I wasn't looking forward to Triple H and Randy Orton. I don't like Evolution and I didn't want Randy to take the title away from Chris Benoit. I SO enjoy watching Chris wrestle! WOW!! He is truly an amazing man and athlete.

on Sunday when they were showing the clips (I couldn't see) of Randy spitting in HHH's face I was slightly disappointed since they were next and the last match of the night. Some of the entrances up to that point had been flashy and fun. When they started HHH music and they blacked the lights I looked up. When he came out and the background lights were flashing I smiled a bit. The mesmorizing happened when all the camera flashes started before the lights came up. He was just standing there not moving. It was amazing. I got goose bumps. That's when I knew something awesome was going to happen. I may not like either one but thay put on a good show. I still wish Randy would have won but it was a good match to see. They both earned my respect at Unforgiven.

I'm glad to report on the permanent home front I have another addition. I now have a post office box to go with my Gmail and cell phone. In my time of transition these are the things that will remain the same. Maybe not much to you but to me it is "home" now.

As you can see I did get the wireless connection. I needed the additional router as well. Wil is excited that I own both since his computer at his dad's house is wireless too. This way he can bring his over to my house and he is good to go! It will be nice when I get my own place to have the wireless. I (hopefully) wont have to wrestle for my turn! :)

I feel that I have so much to do and no time to do it. I've usually been good at budgeting my time and multi- tasking. I think that with all that has happened this year that I'm different inside. I want to savor the good in life and brush past or defeat the bad and it's changed my pattern. I don't think I get less done but do feel I don't get to add the depth to things. I don't have the close connection to some that I had. I'm sorry I let that happen. I will work on that. I need to focus a bit longer on taking care of biz but want to kick back a bit. Too many dragons to slay this year.

Speaking of that. I have had a few past relationships with lovers and family end badly the last couple years. I've tried to let them be and walk away but they have "come after me" in the last couple months. That has started the posts of memories. I can assure you I will get to the rest of the story. My ex husband, my parents, and my ex partner in life (as he used to call us) just cant leave things be. I take my part of the mistakes but that isn't enough. So in this time of ankle, job/apt. Loss, cancer and no insurance I have had all three to fight at the same time. Everyone wants something. Stay tuned!

I would like to share an idea of something that has been going through my head. As I get to know more men other that my ex husband I'm truly amazed by their similar cute habits. How guys tend to own more gadgets for cleaning but don't seem to use them. They always have to have the latest one. How they cant really load a dish washer efficiently and when watching them do it it's like its their first time they have ever done it. It is so endearing. I'm fascinated by this experience since I haven't dated since I was 17. I've always been a slow learner but I am so enjoying it.

There have been a few questions about me that I would like to clarify:

~no, I'm not a natural red head but should of been. My aunts and uncles and a cousin or two on my mom's side are. I feel like a red head on the inside. Did I mention I'm Irish? From the time I was a small child I have always wanted red hair so three years ago I did something about it!

~once I left my ex husband I really looked into me. There were things about me I ignored and denied for YEARS. I have begun to explore some of those things.
* I'm shy but enjoy performing. I would like to do more of a variety.
* I enjoy women. They are beautiful, curvy, soft yet firm creatures with long hair and great..... yes I like them very much.
* I like camping and hiking. My ex's did not.
* I enjoy watching wrestling live or TV.
* I don't need all the stuff that we as humans collect. I enjoy a simple life style but the comforts I chose are mandatory.
* in order to be happy I have to like me and be honest and open. Only I can make myself happy. If I'm happy and comfortable with me it makes all relationships good.

so, there are stories to look forward to that will keep you coming back to Marta's World. Like I said questions and comments always welcome. It's a tough job being me but somebody has to do it! For the most part it's pretty awesome.

Go enjoy the moment before it's gone.

looks good!

I saw the doc today to get results from biopsies and for her to check on her handy work. she said it all looks good. healing nicely and negative on the biopsies!!!!! I gotta tell you I got so scared this morning I threw up. I felt good but as I well know a simple twist of fate....

Thank you Karen and Ken for the non stop laughter last night. Who knew bag balm, farm equipment and a"nail salon" could be so funny. Sorry if it was too much for you Luke but I so needed that! CSz heals.

More later but I gotta pick up the darlings from their different schools! kisses ;)

In case you didn't know

I really like wrestling! From the time I started watching it in February I have really come to appreciate it. I hate to miss even one night! Now that I don't have cable I'm scurrying to find a place to watch it on Monday nights. With Monday night football I will be hard pressed to find a sports bar to tune in WWE RAW for me! Somebody save me!

It started when I began playing CSz in Eugene. Most of the players are WWE fans and they talk about it a lot. I decided to watch it and try to understand what they saw. The first couple of times watching was okay but as I really began to follow the wrestler I was hooked. I had lots of questions and could hardly wait for the next night of WWE.

I've even taken in some of the local talent. I've been to the Milwaulkie Elks Lodge to see PNPW tapings. That was pretty fun. I've also gone to a PNPW taping in Eugene at a high school. I usually see CC Poison, Thunder and the Blanchard Brothers. I think of the Blanchards as the cousins to the Dudley Brothers on RAW. I have yet to make a Portland Wrestling Show though I watch it on 14 when I can.

it all lead up to last night and my first PPV live taping. I was sooo excited from the time Joseph told me about Unforgiven being added at the Rose Garden. He wanted to take Cohen and asked if me and my boys would be interested in going. YES!

I had watched a couple of PPV's up to that point. I enjoyed the drama that would lead to who was in matches but this time was different. this was my PPV and there were people I wanted to see. I got most of the matches I wanted and even the outcomes.

I was at Jenny's Birthday party tonight. Happy birthday again Jenny! I had a lot of fun just hanging and laughing LOTS. I still say we should have gone to Nobby's for 50 cent taco night. It's really good but they watch football not WWE. nite!

I love to BBQ

This weekend we BBQ'd our dinners. I didn't realize how much I missed doing that. Nick was in charge Friday night when we had hamburgers. He did all the work. Adding onion soup to the meat and formed the patties for the first time ever. He lit the coals and cooked by himself. He did a great job.

Saturday was Wil's turn. He chose a menu of marinated steak, steak fries and Dr. Pepper. He picked it out at the store and with a few tips did all the work. It was almost better than a steak from Acropolis! (home of the $4.00 steak.) :) JER wanted to take us out for ice cream but we were all too full.

It was a bit stressful on the start of our weekend. Nick had too much energy and was " bored" there is some getting used to the new digs. My room seems really small with all of us in it. The DVD player is too modern compared to my old TV, the big beautiful one is elsewhere til I move again. It was too big to get up the stairs and in my room. :( it's hard to watch a 19 inch when you are used to a 32 inch surround sound. I know, get over it.

I still have lots to do but it is coming along nicely. I haven't done much since getting home from my "vacation". Thank you for letting me visit and "be" Joseph. On my drive home I noted that I felt stronger and not in pain as I did driving there. I didn't have a choice about the timing of everything. I vow my next move will be good. It will be celebrated and a step closer to the mountain top.

post note
"Unforgiven" was awesome! I so enjoyed myself. Both my sons were very surprised at how exciting it really was..None of us (Wil, Nick and I) were looking forward to the triple HHH Randy Horton match since we didn't like either but WOW!!! I did not want it to end! I'm SSSOOO hooked and have no where to watch WWE tomorrow night! AAAHHHH!!!

Knowledge is power

Now that I have finished moving to my new place I've had time to think about everything that has happened in the last month. Most people would see my situation as pretty bleak. I see it as Marta has nine lives. I know I've used a couple but still have some to spare. I'm looking at all of this in a positive light. so here are some of the things I know:

1) I have " a safe home and a warm bed on a quiet little street" where i can re-group.
2) I have some special people in my life that care about me. They love me for me.
3) I'm a fighter not a quitter.
4) to quote a few people " you are talented, funny and adorable." I'll take it!
5) I will live a long life

Like I said I have 2 out of 3 things taken care of. I will find a job and get back on my financial feet again. It will happen because I say so.

my goals for 2005 are:

> To have my own place
> Choose a career I want and train/go to school.
> Go back to some of the hobbies I've neglected.
> Try out for some sort of theater that is different that what I currently do.
> Enjoy the journey without rushing to the finish.
> Be the best Marta i can be.

The place where I'm currently residing is nice but has to be temporary. it's too far from my kids and too small with winter coming. Nick has to move around. I will worry constantly that he is disturbing my house mates.

I also want to be a dog owner again. Nick really wanted that for me. He saved up and traded in some play station stuff to make it happen. That was last fall. Uma turned out to be a nut job that needed special training. I didn't have the means to help her. we still have all the dog stuff nick bought and a credit at the Humane Society.

Lastly I just want to live my life on my terms not worrying about disturbing others. I like to have company, my boys over as much as possible, watch what I want on tv, shower when I want, listen to my music loud and sing along and leave a mess any and everywhere I wanna. i guess I'm too independent to be a good roommate. I have enjoyed my freedom of living alone.

I'm sooo looking forward to my first pay per view taping of WWE tomorrow. The boys and I are going with Joseph and his son Cohen. Adam is riding up with Joseph and Cohen but sitting in "better" seats with his brother Skyler. Tim, Lillith and Aaron are going as well but have their own seats. hey Aaron and co. we are having lunch at Canton Grille if you want to join us. its old school Chinese that has been around 60 years. its sooo good!

I will let you know how awesome it was tomorrow. I cant wait!! kisses

How do you answer a question like that?

When I first told my parents I was ending my relationship with my husband they said I should stay in the marriage until the boys were out of high school. Not what I expected. Actually I was completely taken by surprise. I fully expected 100 % support since that is what I had gotten up until then. I was 38 years old in one of the biggest decisions/crisis of my life and I found myself on my own.

The next several months were horrible. My parents kept telling me I "did it wrong". "Ask him to take you back and it will be okay". I didn't understand their behavior. We didn't speak much and usually only in exchanging the boys. the three blows I couldn't recover from were; my parents support of my ex, that first Christmas single and the question that made me wonder about my moms sanity.

I left my husband in late July and in September I got a morning phone call from my mom. I had just woke up around 10am having gotten home from work after 11pm the night before. She started out sounding strange but in semi small talk. She soon changed the topic to the fact that hubby was canceling me from his health insurance plan by the end of the month. How was I feeling? When was the last complete physical I had? I said it had been a couple of years,why? She asked me to get an appointment soon and she would even pay for it. I was puzzled by this and growing frustrated by her bulling insistence. Then she said "ask to get a brain scan". WHAT!!!! "I cant see why you are doing this (divorce) except that I think you have a brain tumor". I was speechless! She went on to say it would be alright blah blah. I finally found some words and told her she was the looney and hung up.

my family always celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve. That started when my dad was a kid. My grandfather was the postmaster general in Hood River. He worked on Christmas day in the morning delivering mail and packages. We just kept the tradition many years later. We have a meal between lunch and dinner then open presents. I thought since hubby's family did traditional Christmas I would get the boys on the eve and him the day. Logical but wrong.

My mom called me on Dec. 18th again in the morning waking us up. By this time Big Man and I were living together which is another long post or two that I will get to later. She called to say that I was certainly invited to any family function BUT I had to come alone meaning no Big Man. I told her that Big Man was a part of my life and I wouldn't exclude him. "why don't you give him a chance? Get to know him" I said. That's when she said "I'm sorry you feel that way. I want the boys at the family celebration. "Hubby" is bringing the boys so you are not welcome. I was not invited to Christmas eve. I was so hurt I couldn't breathe. Big Man thought I was having a stroke or something. Then I started crying so hard and with such pain he was beside himself. I was finally able to tell him what happened. He took my phone and called my mom back. He tore her to bits! He couldn't believe my family would do that. He wasn't sure up to that point what to think about what I had told him regarding them. He thought I was leaving something out. That's when he decided my family was loopy. His family would be mine too.

I'm not blaming anyone for decisions I made for you are ultimately responsible for all of your actions. I don't think I would have made some of the choices I made in this all ready hard time if I would of had a support system in place. I don't think Big Man and I would have gotten past dating. Had my parents supported me I don't think I would have had anything less than joint and equal custody of our children. I would of still have divorced him but perhaps we would have a better relationship in raising our children. All speculation but having lived through it that's my take.

Lots to do in my Re-Group Phase

The one thing that kept going through my mind while packing was how did you get soooo much stuff in this place? Each of my moves in the last three years I have down sized. A friend said I'm very efficient in my storing. I have to agree with that.

I spent a whole week taking loads over to my new digs. Most of my stuff went down to the basement to store until I have my own place. It wasn't until last Thursday I decided to move into the room for rent in the same house. Honestly I wasn't worried about me as much as getting my stuff somewhere. I have lost so much in the two moves away from the men I was in relationships in including childhood mementos.

Speaking of those past relationships why do people have to be so petty? Does it make you feel superior over someone to keep their stuff? I have never understood that. If I end up with someone's things iI give it back. I returned items to both guys when I found them even after they have kept things that belong to me. Some would say I wasn't playing the game right. THAT'S RIGHT! Open book = I don't play games. at the end of the day I can sleep with a clear conscience.I don't hurt people on purpose.

When the people started arriving to help me move they were shocked to find not everything packed. I worked at it everyday but lack of space, surgery and two teenage boys all combined slowed me way down. I had whole areas emptied but many items not packed. They started by taking my bed apart and taking big items to Scott's truck. I grabbed boxes and threw things in. I wanted to get done and figured I could repack once I got there. Not one of my better moves but given the circumstances I think it's acceptable.


after the move to go spend a couple days at a friends house. I needed to rest and to just be. He is starting a new job so he is gone most of the day. I'm able to sleep in, do errands, cook, write in my blog and relax. If i had stayed at my new place I would still be working too hard "nesting". I wanted this time to myself before tackling the new challenges facing me. I need time to both mentally as well as physically heal. One thing you can count on is after I rest in my foxhole I will come out swinging.

In the last (three years) month I have dealt with a lot. Most things you have heard about and some I haven't had time enough to write about. I will get to that in a post or two soon. you can look forward to stories of favorites, past relationships, general goings on and views from Marta's world.

Good news about the new place. For $39. bucks I can have wireless internet connection. I can stay connected to the outside world and the boys will have something to do when they stay with me. YEAH!!!

I'm going to indulge in a nap now. nite!

If I listen I will hear

I have beating myself up a bit the last couple days. I felt that I needed to accommodate others and do the brunt of the moving work myself . The accommodating was trying to be as invisible as possible to my new roommates. Not take up any space outside of my room. I felt I was intruding on a quiet calm household. Last night when I took another load over and to get things ready for the final move I listened to my thoughts. I realized I was being a silly. I have every right to be there and take up space. It's a big basement with plenty of room for the things stored there. I realize I'm out of my element but need to relax. These are things that can be rearranged once I'm done moving.

What I'm trying to say is though I'm in flux (big time) and uncomfortable I'm not a victim so I need to just be me. The best Marta I can be. I cant wait to be on that mountain again but I'm not gonna get there by lurking in the shadows.

My ex- husband is always telling anyone within ear shot that I'm not the responsible parent/person. Right. Hey, I gotta a message for you;F#*K you! I'm not going to doubt myself anymore but hold my head up and get on with life.

I feel better now. I hate it when people kick someone when they are down. If that's the only way to feel power that's sad. I'm gonna keep mine and use it for my own positive loving life purposes!

A friend said to me "bad things happen to good people". So true. Kisses, MeRM

A Chapter Closing

The last year and a half I have lived in a double studio in the heart of trendy N.W. Portland. I am 1 block from my old work and a bit over a block from Portland Comedy Sportz. The trolley tracks run along side my building. The abundance of restaurants, shops, performance venues, bars for both alcohol and coffee has made it a great experience for me. I will miss the inner city lifestyle very much.

When I moved here I had 2 days prep (that could not be obvious) and a day to do it with 10-15 people helping me. It was a very hard decision for me and one of the harder scarier days in my world. Even with that it was a place when I walked in it felt like home. I have treasured my time and experiences while dwelling at the Baker Apts.

the things I will really miss are:

> the sound of the trains from the train station and industrial area.

> walking or taking the trolley/MAX where I need to go.

> having a 3 minute commute to work or call at CSz.

> being near my kids.

> being part of a community both from living and working in it. A lot of the customers also live and work in the hood.

> the independence of my own place.


I think all the changes have to bring me to a better place. I'm gonna be okay but right now the nostalgia is getting me. When I left here I wanted it to be on my terms. I do know that I'm stronger and wiser Marta than when I moved in. I cant see this as a failure but a set back. I'm at the cross roads and need to choose my direction.

post note: I may have news later today. I hope it's part of the better I know has to come. Wish me "better"!

:0 never mind. I'm good.

New digs = less access

Hey Kids,

I hope to still post here at least a couple times a week. The room I'm renting is not cable/internet ready so in order to post its off to the library I go.

post scrip 1:12am
I don't like that the last couple posts sound bitchy. I want to say I'm very overwhelmed with everything I've dealt with in a 2 week period. I'm proud of myself that I saw what I had to do and took care of it. It's not where I want to be but I'm doing it. I have dealt with 1 1/2 out of 3 things that are big hurdles in my world. No worries.

I will make it but...

I'm only going to take a moment on this post today. I put out a call on the CSz forum (PDX) to get some help moving. I got a small response of maybe's. I understand that doing that on your day off isn't top of the list. I hate moving more than you know- especially like this! I wouldn't ask if I didn't really need the help. I have Deeg and possibly my ex's brother that lives in Kalama! Normally I would call it good and do it myself but I'm not 100%. maybe this is part of "the test" to see what I'm made of. Hopefully I past the test soon so I can get to the better that I know is coming.

I do want to say thanks to all that have been supportive. The invites for room, job ideas and creative ways to get health insurance. It means a lot to me. Hugs to you! I will make it through this because I say so.

post note: Scott works sat. So he asked me to change the move to Sunday. He has a truck and wants to start at 10am. You got it Scott and THANKYOU!!!

Ah, back to school

As an adult I still look forward to back to school time. I always felt a mixture of dread and renewal as a kid. I dreaded homework! I looked forward to seeing people I had not seen since school let out for the summer. There was new crayons, clothes, football, and fall. I don't feel the dread now. I remember soooooooo looking forward to the first year of high school. Lots of new people to meet and tons of boys! I went to a small neighborhood grade school so not many changes there. The kids had been the same since Kindergarten. People didn't move as much as they do now. It was going to be a big change but I was ready for it.

On the first day of school in 1st period I met the girl that would be my best friend all through high school. Her name was Elizabeth Butcher. We were both shy but determined to enjoy our new freedom. We truly helped the other survive high school and being a teenage girls. I don't think I would have made it to graduation without her.

The first week of school there were posters to join all sorts of clubs. I went to one or two meetings. Near the end of the first week there was a poster for cross country. "join the #1 team in the state 3 years running! Make new friends and enjoy fall in Washington park." I love fall and Washington park so Elizabeth and I went to the meeting. We had NO idea what cross country was but we were about to find out!

At the meeting there were these two guys, Paul and Rob. They were really good friends, awesome runners, really nice and our secret love interests! Oddly we both fell hard but not for the same guy. We had endless conversations about these guys. "when we get married..." Was the common theme. We spent a lot of time just trying to be near these two. Did I mention Paul (my guy) was a sophomore and Rob a junior. They had girlfriends and never looked our way?

So, cross country was hard at first but I loved it. I was forced to stop running in my 20's due to hip injury but running was my passion. The coach was hard on us but that's why we won, usually by sweep, in almost every meet and category. Mr. Dave Bailey started the discipline that is the "tough buff" me today.

Elizabeth had a hard family life and as we got to the end of our senior year she started pushing all of her friends away. She couldn't wait to move out of her dad's house and restart her life without shame. Her dad had sexually abused her from pre-teen years on. My mom is the one that figured it out. We tried to help her but she didn't get that it wasn't her fault. She was so ashamed. After graduation she disappeared. I have seen her from time to time but when she sees me she bolts. My mom and other high school friends have reported the same reaction. To this day I feel I could of done more for her. I just don't know what. I still miss her.

As for Paul. I saw him the summer after I graduated high school. We ran into each other at a 5 mile run. (no pun intended) He told me he had wanted to ask me out the end of his senior year but didn't want to be rejected! Then he did ask me out but I turned him down . I was already seeing someone seriously. The funny thing is when I really talked to him he wasn't that hot. He was a great painful fantasy that I got to see closure on.

I guess you could say this year my renewal isn't going back to school but making changes for the better. Last couple of months I have had a flood of memories and nostalgia with some regrets. Despite the bad things happening I'm feeling good about me. I didn't quit or wait for someone else to " fix it". I have kept going through the pain to come out the other side stronger and better than ever. I am Marta hear me roar!